Some days…are bad days

Recently I have been plagued with dreams that affect my day when I wake up.  As a student of psychology I can say, quite scientifically, that this is the process of my brain trying to make sense of a rather senseless situation and process all the thoughts and emotions that accompany. However, as a human I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion and fighting depression every step of the way. Wait…what? Depression? That's not me! How did I get to this place? I am typically a glass half full, silver lining, and make the best of all situations, even the tough ones, but right now I find myself in a place of darkness. While this may just be situational, coming up on months, we are approaching that time when a therapist may diagnose me with depression. It isn't every day that I deal with these great feelings of pain and anger over loss…it's just when I have the dreams. I wake up with a heavy weight on my chest and tears in my eyes, wanting both to go back to sleep to dream something else but not enough to do it for fear of re-entering that same dream, and to get up and push it all aside realizing it was just that a dream and give it no value (quite unsuccessfully I might add).

Like I said it doesn't happen every day…just about every other day. I quickly grab my journal and frantically write down every thought and feeling, thinking if I get it out of me then I will feel better…but I don't. I question God on why this happened, the incident that spawned the dreams, when I thought it was His plan? I didn't just think, I knew I had heard from God and this was definitely His plan, so…was this pain and suffering His plan as well? What is the purpose in that? A lesson?  I get angry. I thought You loved me and wanted me to have abundant life Lord? Too much stress, too much hurt, too much heartbreak for one person to bear. I can handle this Lord, it's making me crazy!!!! And I end it begging for deliverance from the pain. If the dreams would just stop, I would be okay.

Well I don't have any upswing to this post…it's just a bad day (like every other day lately), and I guess the confusion, pain, anger, overwhelming feelings, and tears are bound to happen in a journey of working through loss. I woke up in despair pleading with God, that I can not take it anymore! I just can't! All the questions of what went wrong, searching for meaning, and longing for peace. I guess I am hoping that He will get me through this bad day and at some point I will look up from this pile of crap and see the rainbow that will lead to my pot of gold, as I have been told by the smartest man I have ever known. Until then, I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself. :-(

Hold on to hope!

I have recently been struggling with a truly difficult situation in my life, then today I received some clarification from the Lord. Have you ever thought you heard something from the Lord that did not pan out like you thought it would? It is so challenging to make sense of these situations in our lives but in order to live a life of peace, we have to make sense of it somehow. I was in the space of hearing from God and believing He had brought me to a place of answered prayers a few years ago. Now while it was me, veering away from Him in the time since, that led to a dark place of hopelessness, it is still never a comfortable place to be in. I had taken His promise and then, in my own strength, went from there resulting in a traumatic ending to what I once thought was His will for me.
Sometimes God has to break things to rebuild them right!
I have learned many things over the last few days, especially about myself, like just how far away my spirit had gotten from Him, so that I could not even hear His voice. It wasn't that He wasn't speaking but I wasn't listening. There was a way that seemed right to me, so I went with it, but it ended in death.  It was a slow hidden death of the intimate connection between God and I, but still a death, and in that death I was lost once again, forgetting His promises to me.
I had gotten so focused on the earthly realm that I forgot my inheritance and the promises He made to never leave me, to protect me, to provide for me, to love me more than any other, to rescue me, and restore me.
So this huge trial happened at the worst time but perhaps in God's eyes it was the best timing. His ways are not our ways! It seems now looking back that I had gotten so far off track that He had to do something to get my attention and remind me that He is a jealous God and I am His, first and foremost! So I was broken…to the point that I did not think I would recover..I mean you get to a point when you start to wonder, "just how much of these tough things can I survive till I cannot anymore?" but they just keep coming! So this event was so difficult that I, once again was feeling lost in the ocean, just trying to get by moment by moment. All the emotions came all at once with lasting effects, chaos ensued. I knew that I was broken beyond repair, as far as the world was concerned, but I sought Him for something…a promise…relief…some sense of a life raft but there was none…
Swirling in a sea of grief and pain, crying at the drop of a hat, I was feeling the full extent of my spiritual separation from fellowship with God and then despair set in. Looking through my natural eyes, nothing seemed like it was going to work out nor did it look like I would survive this trial. Then trying to function in my own strength, I was brought to my knees of that power as well. You see, He had to break me and He did. I haven't felt so lost in the dark and alone before but I had to experience that to know the light again.
So there I was lost in the darkness and despairing doubt, then I got some sleep and woke up with a revelation in my spirit. For some reason, I woke up with hope and a sense of excitement today, to which I questioned, "What's up with this?" Why was I experiencing hope and excitement with a sense of great expectation on this day rather than the one before? I sat down to do my devotional and I came to Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. What?? Wait? God of hope?
But until now I had no hope, only despair and doubt. It was then I realized that I am, by nature, a hope-filled person, and I had been living in a state of hopelessness because I was looking at things through natural eyes not the spiritual eyes of my heart. In essence, I was living in a state that is contrary to who I am as a person! I came to the conclusion that I have to accept the fact that I am a hopeful person and it is only in that space/mindset that I am being fully me, the me I was created to be. However, if I am not living in that mindset, but living in the mindset of doubt and despair, I will not survive.
God being described as the God of hope is many times in the Word, but somehow I forgot who I am and that if He is the God of hope then hope is alive in me. I had lost sight of the fact that my identity is in Christ and it is by nature hope.
What a relief this understanding brought me, to comprehend that I was struggling because my spirit knew what my brain did not, that I am a hopeful person and it is absolutely essential, for my survival, to be hopeful and hope-filled, anything else is death to me.
Saying all that to say that my hope is in Him, and I will hold on to that hope, Him, because that is who I am! Psalms 42:11-Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Life changes perspective!

I saw this quote today and it stopped me for a moment because it took me back to the beginning of my college days. It was my third year in bible college and along with being a full time college student, I was home schooling three children, had a new baby, volunteering at our church, and my husband was dealing with a mystery illness that the doctors could not identify. Due to the extensive schedule, choosing classes had become a tricky game of "see what fits". I had been avoiding one course in particular since the beginning of my time at this college because I knew it would be a class that was not only totally unfamiliar but also uncharacteristic of who I was as a person. Just the thought was overwhelming and seemingly impossible for me to ever successfully complete with any sort of grade that would be sufficient to pass. No, this class, through mounting fear, had become my nemesis! This class was...speech!

Public speaking in front of a group of people can be unnerving to most, but for me a person who found security in my natural qualities of being the quite support for my husband's endeavors and really more of a follower by nature, it was absolutely frightening! So there I was only one class could fill the only opening I had in my schedule and it was speech class. To say I was a little upset at God for putting me in a class where, I was certain, I was set up to fail, would be an understatement. It was quite possibly the most difficult class of my entire college career. I must have gone home from that class in tears more times than not and quit that class, in my head, a dozen times only to finally make it to the final exam.

Our final exam consisted of getting a topic, having two minutes to prepare a two minute speech, and then delivering said speech. Up until that point I had a close friend who really helped me in the class and I don't think I would have made it without her friendship and support, now I was totally petrified! I had lost it in class a few times because of the stresses I was dealing with my husbands illness and the doctors inability to identify what the issue was. She was there to help me finish my speech and carry me through.

So for final exam we went consecutively, my friend and I, and I can not remember what my speech was about, but I remember what hers was about. She had been given the topic, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." We discussed her topic and were on opposite sides of the issue. I was totally against the concept, probably due to the fact that by this point I was literally starting to watch the man I love more than life itself, start to slowly wither. Something was wrong but the doctors could not give us an answer. Out of fear, I suppose, my position arose to the fact that I had a great love and did not want to loose him. The contemplation of that grave of a loss was unbearable and incomprehensible at that time, so I did what anyone would have done, I rebelled against the pain. I remember reasoning that pain of that magnitude was not worth going through, kind of the, "ignorance is bliss" mentality. She disagreed with me because she believed that love was the greatest thing a human can experience and that without that love, the understanding of our creator would never fully be realized.

So here, ten years after the cancer diagnosis and nine years after his death, raising four children on my own, a second failed marriage, and numerous other losses I can honestly say that yes, I agree with this quote by Mr. Tennyson. Unfortunately, no matter how painful it is, to know love is to know life and the absence of love for fear of losing that love is like a painter with no brushes or paint. Love is what gives color to our world and what makes life beautiful. Just like the artist, the colors are not always bright and cheery, they are sometimes muted and dark but they are still the substance that gives meaning and purpose to our souls! These loves and losses are what define us as human, giving meaning to our lives, enriching our world, and defining us as created beings. While resilience is woven into the fiber of our being and I am so thankful for that, to know love and lose it is greater than never knowing love,  because, it reminds us that we are human and the beauty that comes from living life!

Funny how life can change a certain perspective, remember I said I was more of a follower and a support person, well apparently God did not agree with that perspective either! Over the years I have become a leader. There is some sort of ingrained quality that, through all the tough circumstances, has arose and blossomed. This leadership ability has since effortlessly transferred to each of my four children. I can not imagine what they would be like  or who they would be if the past series of events had not happened the way they did. Every time I see one of my children rise up with that same familiar tenacity, unmoving confidence, and undeniable strength of leadership, I am taken aback at first wondering where they gained these traits and then I smile with the pride only a single mother knows, realizing that I know exactly where they got it from...speech class!
Blessings!

Loser

Just one little letter from my graduate school application is all it takes and then I'm back in 8th grade again, dealing with the devastating effects of rejection. Who would have thought at 38 years of age that would be all it takes? I don't really want to seem like a whiner but I received that letter today and whereas I know many, MANY people both have dealt with and are dealing with much graver issues, I sit here devastated with my dreams shattered once again so...here comes the whine, because it just makes me feel better to get it out!

 I had a rather difficult childhood and I won't go into many details; however, rejection was not only an experience but a way of life back then. Yet for this gangly unkempt 13 year old who had been tormented by peers for the preceding three years it never seemed that rejection sank in, somehow there was always a belief in hope and better things to come. Ahh the enduring hope of a naive child, can be quite a contrast from reality. So there I was, thirteen and having tried out for the girls 8th grade basketball team. I knew I had the skills necessary to play however was at quite a disadvantage because my nerves were getting the best of me. Due to the fact that my hands were shaking I had trouble dribbling and shooting the ball. I remember feeling like all eyes were on me and that with one wrong move I would be ostracized and once again end up feeling like a total loser. Try outs ended and I simply could not sleep that night. Upon telling my mother about how hopeful I was, I remember the cutting way her words sliced through me as she reminded me, once again, that I was, in fact, a loser and probably did not make the team. The words hurt but I had grown a certain amount of resistance to her throngs that started when I was six years old, so I had some measure of protective walls built up when she was involved. I dream t that night that my name was on the list that was to be hung in the 8th grade hall the following day and the joy I felt in making the team; however, remember it was just a dream. Sick with excitement and anticipation the following day, I ran to the door where the list was posted and scanned through the names, sadly to find my name was not there. It felt as if my whole world was coming to an end, everything I felt and believed about that day was torn apart and shredded in the acute awareness of the reality in which I lived. I was devastated!! I was a loser!! My mother had been right all along.

So that is what I felt again today. Upon getting the rejection letter from the graduate school, I feel devastated and like a loser. A million thoughts racing in my head, "what am I going to do now?", "I thought this was God's direction and plan?", "What exactly have I accomplished in these 38 years I have been alive?", "Others have careers and achievements...What do I have,...a solid track record of not being enough!" I can't help but wonder if anything has changed at all in the last 25 years? For I still seem to be the same person. No matter how hard I try I can not get away from that person who loses.

Following the 8th grade basketball tryouts, I did go to the coach and asked why I did not make the team. I didn't get a real good answer so I asked if there was anyway in which I could help out the team because I just wanted to be a part. The coach agreed and let me be the assistant, which basically meant I would collect balls and clean up after the team but had the bonus that I could practice with them. I went to the first practice and to my surprise not one of the girls chosen could do a lay up. I don't know if it was just nerves or the fact that they were all goofing around, probably still reveling in the fact that they had made the team. Oddly enough though, I , being able to practice with them, was the only one who could do a lay up that day, which was also my last day helping the team. I guess I had the satisfaction of knowing that I could do it even if nerves had thwarted my plan and that is all I needed.

So how do I do this again? In this situation? Do I just suck it up and re-apply next year? Well, what am I going to do till then? Just twiddle my thumbs? So many question, so few answers. Was this God's plan? I was so sure? Do I even know anymore? And if it was that I would go through this process and feel that rejection all over again, what was the purpose in that? Seems that it would just breed resentment and a loss of hope? What direction do I take now? Should I just give up? Because in all actuality...I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing. I'm tired of trying to prove myself. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of losing. Well there it is, where I'm at. If you actually read this, then please don't hate me for whining. I only ask you to say a prayer for me for...without vision the people perish, this is so very true for me and right now the vision is lost!

Lost something along the way...?

Have you ever had a time in your life when you lost something? Something that was crucial for living life? I'm not talking about your comb, favorite CD, or even your wallet, but some precious belief in the way you think or understand the world around you? Have you ever lost things like faith, hope, or love?

I have been reading a book lately called Reaching out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I have only begun the book but have already found treasures that have leapt off the page and dove into my heart and mind, planning to stay. It has been tremendously enriching and I am only 30 pages into the book! I was not sure that I should even pick up a book right now being that it is the beginning of another fall semester of college but I really just can not put it down! Right now it is the proverbial water for the thirsty soul.

In reading this book it has awakened a sense of self discovery within me and encouraged me to write again. I had a tremendous flounder earlier this year with making a new blog and proclamation of what I was going to do over the course of a year, only to have it be one of the biggest challenges and I have yet to really sort it out in my mind. Regardless, I was reading last night and to be honest it has been a while since I have felt the impression of God pointing out something in my life that needed attention, but that is what happened. Maybe He was being gracious or patient with me, knowing that bringing this to my attention would create a great awareness of my spiritual state and with it a demand for change, change in the form of pain and humility.

Coming to terms with one's self can be a scary and daunting task! Taking an honest look at flaws and inadequacies is something that most people avoid like the plague and I have not only avoided these as of the last few months but I have been running the opposite direction, deliberately!

Have you ever ran smack dab into a wall? Everything seems to be going your way, keyword here is seems, and then all of a sudden, "BAM!" out of no where...brick wall! Ever been there? I used to be there often, because there were a lot of things that could render me to a mess quite easily, but since I have learned to run away from those things that hurt, I haven't had as many encounters with such walls, which explains my shock when yesterday I ran into one! But God was going to use that wall in a big way!

So I was talking about losing something that was crucial to life, well last night I was reading in the book and there really was not any sentence or concept that got my mind to thinking so it must have been God who posed that question to me:

"You don't believe that prayer works anymore do you Lori?"
"Ever since you lost Dan you just don't believe anymore do you?"

Well, it stopped me dead in my tracks and I really thought about it. I thought of how I prayed and prayed for a miracle and it didn't turn out the way that I wanted and how something in that area of my heart had died. The part that held hope for the future of doing and experiencing great and mighty things, belief that God's desire is to WOW me and that He really does want what is best for me. The part where I pray and ask God for just exactly what I want and with great expectancy anticipate His fulfillment of that request. It's...dead, gone, not there anymore.

So what happened? I don't know exactly. I could say it was the disappointment of Daniel's death, or the death of my subsequent marriage, the unfulfillment of my life's direction and desires to be fulfilled. I could say it perhaps, is due to the understanding that God is sovereign and knows both what is best for me and what is yet to come, so what exactly should I pray for?? Obviously I do not know what is best for me or what the future holds. As a matter of fact, there is really very little that I do know or understand about God! A pastor friend of mine once told me that that was the right place to be, to understand less and less about God, the longer that you walk with Him! I guess that is because we are on this incomprehensible journey to try to learn more about an infinite God and who He had designed us to be. Maybe that should be the definition of insanity, just kidding, but it does seem a bit odd doesn't it? A little overwhelming, and exhausting to me.

So this is where I am at, I finally decided what I want to do with my education and found out that it is probably impossible, so I will be forced to go a route that I really did not want to go but it is quite possibly the only option. So I ask you is this God challenging me to ask for a miracle, for Him to make a way and rebuild or rebirth the dead part of me that prays and sees prayers answered? Or is it God's way of steering me in the direction that is best for me? You can clearly see where one way calls for prayer and the other surrender. I suppose they both call for prayer but I desire great and marvelous things. Is that really too much to ask? After living on this planet and all the disappointments that come, it is no wonder why people give up! Is that what I have done? Resigned to living a relatively boring and mundane life, where God is just a puppeteer and I am the marionette? (Sigh) I don't think so.

So here I am, not having a whole lot of confidence in prayer. Oh don't worry, I can believe and pray for miracles, healing, and blessings for you, just not for me. I guess I am the proverbial Jabez, whose name means pain or affliction, who believed for the blessing for all Israel but not for himself. In a way I look pretty arrogant don't I? Hmmmm,......I will think more on it. My faith in who God is is strong, I guess I'm just hung up somewhere between will, needing humility, and surrender, that's where the pain part comes in. I guess that's not too bad of a place to be?
Jesus is the giver of life so perhaps His plan is to bring this part of Lori back to life and living again.

Thanks for reading, ups and downs, you get em all!

Blessings, Lori

Had Enough - Lifehouse (HQ Smoke and Mirrors)

Great song!

Ramblings of an outcast!

Another day, another struggle with disappointments of how my life has turned out. I don't to sound depressive but this one may hinge on that precipice. Next Saturday is the 6yr anniversary of the death of Daniel and for some reason this year the loss seems even more apparent. I suppose I could chock the way I am feeling up to this week and not only that it is the anniversary of my first husband dying of cancer at the young age of 37 but also the anniversary of the day my second husband walked out on me, but aside of that I just feel lost. The consolation I have is that my children are seemingly doing really well going to school and keeping on track! And that is truly wonderful! I am blessed with great kids!

I was recently talking to a friend and we discussed just not feeling that sense of belonging in any aspect of life. I thought about that a lot because I have spent quite a bit of time in my life feeling that I just don't fit in. Sometimes now I just feel so awkward in certain situations and it really makes me just want to disappear.

So I go to church today and the sermon is about adultery. Great message if you are married. I couldn't handle it, I just couldn't. I felt like an outcast yet again. Like going to a concert and realizing that you don't have a ticket, or like being late to the opera or theatre and finding the doors locked realizing that are not going to get in no matter what you do. Suddenly, feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency were raging and the fear of not fitting in or being good enough took over! It just doesn't apply to me. Now I know that I may very well just be whining here and that teaching on adultery and the damages that it causes are truly necessary in this society, but this is my blog and I can express my feelings here in an open and real way in hopes that somehow Christ will shine through and bring the hope that we all need. I know I need hope! I think I just don't understand how someone who is so blessed to have a spouse could be so naive as to commit adultery. Here I am a single woman who dearly desires a deep meaningful relationship where she can be as in Genesis 2:25, not afraid to be vulnerable with one another and completely trust and rely upon each other, then I see people that take that for granted. It's kinda hard to swallow! So today...I choked on it!

I am moved to tears wondering how anyone could think so insignificantly of their spouse. I have been observing the people around me as of late and in my conversations with the Lord, which are kinda one sided at this point, me questioning and not really getting answers. More like me free thinking with God and He's just listening, with me but just listening. I know perfect husband right! Lol!! Anyway, at my age most of my friends are married so this allows me the chance to just see how married relationships can be different with different people. I have heard so many stories and you know just to be honest I DON'T GET IT!! I have to stop here and say that I am NOT judging in anyway! We all are flawed human beings and I am the foremost of being flawed, really I am! I am just trying to understand things in this world. I have heard so many stories of husbands and wives treating each other with such disdain and it really amazes me. I mean whatever happened to that whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing? I see wives treating their husbands like children, trying to control them and really choking the life out of the relationship. Then I see husbands do things intentionally to start arguments or just emotionally disconnecting and then abandoning the situation all together. Maybe I sound like an immature child here but I just don't understand nor do I wanna be part of all that. On one hand it makes me think, "Well perhaps that is why I am still single? I'm not mean enough!" Or maybe,...perhaps I have too high of expectations?? Yeah I expect men to be able to handle money responsibly! No I'm not a subscriber of giving my husband an allowance. I mean, is it just me or is that crazy? Do I expect men to be men? Yes! Do I want to change that? No, I mean isn't that why women love men, because they are men? Maybe I'm too passive, but ugh, who wants to nag? I mean really, does anyone really enjoy being that way? I sure don't! Gross! We are all humans and able to think for ourselves, and I guess I expect people to do just that. I should probably stop there.

So there you have it! The answer to why of my singleness,...I just don't fit in there either! I can't seem to follow the modern rules of dating let alone what I have seen in marriage as the norm of relationship functionality. That and the fact that, every good and perfect gift comes from His hand and nothing comes but by His hand. Ha! There's another subject.

I have been practicing the song, "how He loves" by David Crowder and the very first line is a big struggle for me. It is: He is jealous for me. Why I struggle with that is because with my askewed view of God, I have it in my mind that He is not willing to share, not willing to allow me to have the relationship that I desire because it will take away from Him. It naturally happens that way when you add someone to your life, especially a person who you may be falling in love with and think there may be a romantic future with, you want to spend time with them to find out. And yes I know that this idea I have of God is not at all biblical or in correct alignment with who God really is and has shown Himself to be. But I have to go back to C.S. Lewis's depiction of Aslan the lion and how He is not a tame lion, He is not safe! Ultimately, I believe the ideal is to have both God and a man in my life who will constantly point me back to Jesus as I aspire to do the same for him. Sounds impossible right? Yeah, I know! Guess I don't have any choice, I mean we pray prayers and ask for things but what is really best for us? Can I possibly know? When I ask for things like when I asked Him to fix my failed marriage and He blatantly said, "No, I did not put all that effort into you to let this man squash it!" How do I know what is best for me? His ways are not my own, (sigh) but I guess I do believe that He will do what is best for me even if it is not necessarily what I want.

Blah, blah, blah, I've just keep going on and ranting and whining and complaining, so if you actually read this, sorry. Daddy, I ask you to only let Yourself remain.

Here's that song by Kendall Payne-Aslan

this is the only video I found, this girl is pretty good!

On a humorous note:

When things get difficult for me I have a bad habit of saying, "I just wanna jump off a bridge!" and I found myself saying that this week and it has been a while since I have felt that way. Let me stop and say, I am NOT suicidal! There is just something about letting go that is associated with that comment. It is like when I went skydiving, a liberating free fall! Or just that doing of something, dangerous that is totally impossible to control or be responsible for, you're just along for the ride. I had to laugh yesterday when someone, who had not know this about me and the bridges comment, proceeded to tell me exactly how I could go about jumping off a certain local bridge! I was asked if that was on my bucket list and my response is...it should be! Lol!!