Recently I have been plagued with dreams that affect my day when I wake up. As a student of psychology I can say, quite scientifically, that this is the process of my brain trying to make sense of a rather senseless situation and process all the thoughts and emotions that accompany. However, as a human I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion and fighting depression every step of the way. Wait…what? Depression? That's not me! How did I get to this place? I am typically a glass half full, silver lining, and make the best of all situations, even the tough ones, but right now I find myself in a place of darkness. While this may just be situational, coming up on months, we are approaching that time when a therapist may diagnose me with depression. It isn't every day that I deal with these great feelings of pain and anger over loss…it's just when I have the dreams. I wake up with a heavy weight on my chest and tears in my eyes, wanting both to go back to sleep to dream something else but not enough to do it for fear of re-entering that same dream, and to get up and push it all aside realizing it was just that a dream and give it no value (quite unsuccessfully I might add).
Like I said it doesn't happen every day…just about every other day. I quickly grab my journal and frantically write down every thought and feeling, thinking if I get it out of me then I will feel better…but I don't. I question God on why this happened, the incident that spawned the dreams, when I thought it was His plan? I didn't just think, I knew I had heard from God and this was definitely His plan, so…was this pain and suffering His plan as well? What is the purpose in that? A lesson? I get angry. I thought You loved me and wanted me to have abundant life Lord? Too much stress, too much hurt, too much heartbreak for one person to bear. I can handle this Lord, it's making me crazy!!!! And I end it begging for deliverance from the pain. If the dreams would just stop, I would be okay.
Well I don't have any upswing to this post…it's just a bad day (like every other day lately), and I guess the confusion, pain, anger, overwhelming feelings, and tears are bound to happen in a journey of working through loss. I woke up in despair pleading with God, that I can not take it anymore! I just can't! All the questions of what went wrong, searching for meaning, and longing for peace. I guess I am hoping that He will get me through this bad day and at some point I will look up from this pile of crap and see the rainbow that will lead to my pot of gold, as I have been told by the smartest man I have ever known. Until then, I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself. :-(
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