Life changes perspective!

I saw this quote today and it stopped me for a moment because it took me back to the beginning of my college days. It was my third year in bible college and along with being a full time college student, I was home schooling three children, had a new baby, volunteering at our church, and my husband was dealing with a mystery illness that the doctors could not identify. Due to the extensive schedule, choosing classes had become a tricky game of "see what fits". I had been avoiding one course in particular since the beginning of my time at this college because I knew it would be a class that was not only totally unfamiliar but also uncharacteristic of who I was as a person. Just the thought was overwhelming and seemingly impossible for me to ever successfully complete with any sort of grade that would be sufficient to pass. No, this class, through mounting fear, had become my nemesis! This class was...speech!

Public speaking in front of a group of people can be unnerving to most, but for me a person who found security in my natural qualities of being the quite support for my husband's endeavors and really more of a follower by nature, it was absolutely frightening! So there I was only one class could fill the only opening I had in my schedule and it was speech class. To say I was a little upset at God for putting me in a class where, I was certain, I was set up to fail, would be an understatement. It was quite possibly the most difficult class of my entire college career. I must have gone home from that class in tears more times than not and quit that class, in my head, a dozen times only to finally make it to the final exam.

Our final exam consisted of getting a topic, having two minutes to prepare a two minute speech, and then delivering said speech. Up until that point I had a close friend who really helped me in the class and I don't think I would have made it without her friendship and support, now I was totally petrified! I had lost it in class a few times because of the stresses I was dealing with my husbands illness and the doctors inability to identify what the issue was. She was there to help me finish my speech and carry me through.

So for final exam we went consecutively, my friend and I, and I can not remember what my speech was about, but I remember what hers was about. She had been given the topic, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." We discussed her topic and were on opposite sides of the issue. I was totally against the concept, probably due to the fact that by this point I was literally starting to watch the man I love more than life itself, start to slowly wither. Something was wrong but the doctors could not give us an answer. Out of fear, I suppose, my position arose to the fact that I had a great love and did not want to loose him. The contemplation of that grave of a loss was unbearable and incomprehensible at that time, so I did what anyone would have done, I rebelled against the pain. I remember reasoning that pain of that magnitude was not worth going through, kind of the, "ignorance is bliss" mentality. She disagreed with me because she believed that love was the greatest thing a human can experience and that without that love, the understanding of our creator would never fully be realized.

So here, ten years after the cancer diagnosis and nine years after his death, raising four children on my own, a second failed marriage, and numerous other losses I can honestly say that yes, I agree with this quote by Mr. Tennyson. Unfortunately, no matter how painful it is, to know love is to know life and the absence of love for fear of losing that love is like a painter with no brushes or paint. Love is what gives color to our world and what makes life beautiful. Just like the artist, the colors are not always bright and cheery, they are sometimes muted and dark but they are still the substance that gives meaning and purpose to our souls! These loves and losses are what define us as human, giving meaning to our lives, enriching our world, and defining us as created beings. While resilience is woven into the fiber of our being and I am so thankful for that, to know love and lose it is greater than never knowing love,  because, it reminds us that we are human and the beauty that comes from living life!

Funny how life can change a certain perspective, remember I said I was more of a follower and a support person, well apparently God did not agree with that perspective either! Over the years I have become a leader. There is some sort of ingrained quality that, through all the tough circumstances, has arose and blossomed. This leadership ability has since effortlessly transferred to each of my four children. I can not imagine what they would be like  or who they would be if the past series of events had not happened the way they did. Every time I see one of my children rise up with that same familiar tenacity, unmoving confidence, and undeniable strength of leadership, I am taken aback at first wondering where they gained these traits and then I smile with the pride only a single mother knows, realizing that I know exactly where they got it from...speech class!
Blessings!

Loser

Just one little letter from my graduate school application is all it takes and then I'm back in 8th grade again, dealing with the devastating effects of rejection. Who would have thought at 38 years of age that would be all it takes? I don't really want to seem like a whiner but I received that letter today and whereas I know many, MANY people both have dealt with and are dealing with much graver issues, I sit here devastated with my dreams shattered once again so...here comes the whine, because it just makes me feel better to get it out!

 I had a rather difficult childhood and I won't go into many details; however, rejection was not only an experience but a way of life back then. Yet for this gangly unkempt 13 year old who had been tormented by peers for the preceding three years it never seemed that rejection sank in, somehow there was always a belief in hope and better things to come. Ahh the enduring hope of a naive child, can be quite a contrast from reality. So there I was, thirteen and having tried out for the girls 8th grade basketball team. I knew I had the skills necessary to play however was at quite a disadvantage because my nerves were getting the best of me. Due to the fact that my hands were shaking I had trouble dribbling and shooting the ball. I remember feeling like all eyes were on me and that with one wrong move I would be ostracized and once again end up feeling like a total loser. Try outs ended and I simply could not sleep that night. Upon telling my mother about how hopeful I was, I remember the cutting way her words sliced through me as she reminded me, once again, that I was, in fact, a loser and probably did not make the team. The words hurt but I had grown a certain amount of resistance to her throngs that started when I was six years old, so I had some measure of protective walls built up when she was involved. I dream t that night that my name was on the list that was to be hung in the 8th grade hall the following day and the joy I felt in making the team; however, remember it was just a dream. Sick with excitement and anticipation the following day, I ran to the door where the list was posted and scanned through the names, sadly to find my name was not there. It felt as if my whole world was coming to an end, everything I felt and believed about that day was torn apart and shredded in the acute awareness of the reality in which I lived. I was devastated!! I was a loser!! My mother had been right all along.

So that is what I felt again today. Upon getting the rejection letter from the graduate school, I feel devastated and like a loser. A million thoughts racing in my head, "what am I going to do now?", "I thought this was God's direction and plan?", "What exactly have I accomplished in these 38 years I have been alive?", "Others have careers and achievements...What do I have,...a solid track record of not being enough!" I can't help but wonder if anything has changed at all in the last 25 years? For I still seem to be the same person. No matter how hard I try I can not get away from that person who loses.

Following the 8th grade basketball tryouts, I did go to the coach and asked why I did not make the team. I didn't get a real good answer so I asked if there was anyway in which I could help out the team because I just wanted to be a part. The coach agreed and let me be the assistant, which basically meant I would collect balls and clean up after the team but had the bonus that I could practice with them. I went to the first practice and to my surprise not one of the girls chosen could do a lay up. I don't know if it was just nerves or the fact that they were all goofing around, probably still reveling in the fact that they had made the team. Oddly enough though, I , being able to practice with them, was the only one who could do a lay up that day, which was also my last day helping the team. I guess I had the satisfaction of knowing that I could do it even if nerves had thwarted my plan and that is all I needed.

So how do I do this again? In this situation? Do I just suck it up and re-apply next year? Well, what am I going to do till then? Just twiddle my thumbs? So many question, so few answers. Was this God's plan? I was so sure? Do I even know anymore? And if it was that I would go through this process and feel that rejection all over again, what was the purpose in that? Seems that it would just breed resentment and a loss of hope? What direction do I take now? Should I just give up? Because in all actuality...I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing. I'm tired of trying to prove myself. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of losing. Well there it is, where I'm at. If you actually read this, then please don't hate me for whining. I only ask you to say a prayer for me for...without vision the people perish, this is so very true for me and right now the vision is lost!