I have recently been struggling with a truly difficult situation in my life, then today I received some clarification from the Lord. Have you ever thought you heard something from the Lord that did not pan out like you thought it would? It is so challenging to make sense of these situations in our lives but in order to live a life of peace, we have to make sense of it somehow. I was in the space of hearing from God and believing He had brought me to a place of answered prayers a few years ago. Now while it was me, veering away from Him in the time since, that led to a dark place of hopelessness, it is still never a comfortable place to be in. I had taken His promise and then, in my own strength, went from there resulting in a traumatic ending to what I once thought was His will for me.
Sometimes God has to break things to rebuild them right!
I have learned many things over the last few days, especially about myself, like just how far away my spirit had gotten from Him, so that I could not even hear His voice. It wasn't that He wasn't speaking but I wasn't listening. There was a way that seemed right to me, so I went with it, but it ended in death. It was a slow hidden death of the intimate connection between God and I, but still a death, and in that death I was lost once again, forgetting His promises to me.
I had gotten so focused on the earthly realm that I forgot my inheritance and the promises He made to never leave me, to protect me, to provide for me, to love me more than any other, to rescue me, and restore me.
So this huge trial happened at the worst time but perhaps in God's eyes it was the best timing. His ways are not our ways! It seems now looking back that I had gotten so far off track that He had to do something to get my attention and remind me that He is a jealous God and I am His, first and foremost! So I was broken…to the point that I did not think I would recover..I mean you get to a point when you start to wonder, "just how much of these tough things can I survive till I cannot anymore?" but they just keep coming! So this event was so difficult that I, once again was feeling lost in the ocean, just trying to get by moment by moment. All the emotions came all at once with lasting effects, chaos ensued. I knew that I was broken beyond repair, as far as the world was concerned, but I sought Him for something…a promise…relief…some sense of a life raft but there was none…
Swirling in a sea of grief and pain, crying at the drop of a hat, I was feeling the full extent of my spiritual separation from fellowship with God and then despair set in. Looking through my natural eyes, nothing seemed like it was going to work out nor did it look like I would survive this trial. Then trying to function in my own strength, I was brought to my knees of that power as well. You see, He had to break me and He did. I haven't felt so lost in the dark and alone before but I had to experience that to know the light again.
So there I was lost in the darkness and despairing doubt, then I got some sleep and woke up with a revelation in my spirit. For some reason, I woke up with hope and a sense of excitement today, to which I questioned, "What's up with this?" Why was I experiencing hope and excitement with a sense of great expectation on this day rather than the one before? I sat down to do my devotional and I came to Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. What?? Wait? God of hope?
But until now I had no hope, only despair and doubt. It was then I realized that I am, by nature, a hope-filled person, and I had been living in a state of hopelessness because I was looking at things through natural eyes not the spiritual eyes of my heart. In essence, I was living in a state that is contrary to who I am as a person! I came to the conclusion that I have to accept the fact that I am a hopeful person and it is only in that space/mindset that I am being fully me, the me I was created to be. However, if I am not living in that mindset, but living in the mindset of doubt and despair, I will not survive.
God being described as the God of hope is many times in the Word, but somehow I forgot who I am and that if He is the God of hope then hope is alive in me. I had lost sight of the fact that my identity is in Christ and it is by nature hope.
What a relief this understanding brought me, to comprehend that I was struggling because my spirit knew what my brain did not, that I am a hopeful person and it is absolutely essential, for my survival, to be hopeful and hope-filled, anything else is death to me.
Saying all that to say that my hope is in Him, and I will hold on to that hope, Him, because that is who I am! Psalms 42:11-Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
