Had Enough - Lifehouse (HQ Smoke and Mirrors)

Great song!

Ramblings of an outcast!

Another day, another struggle with disappointments of how my life has turned out. I don't to sound depressive but this one may hinge on that precipice. Next Saturday is the 6yr anniversary of the death of Daniel and for some reason this year the loss seems even more apparent. I suppose I could chock the way I am feeling up to this week and not only that it is the anniversary of my first husband dying of cancer at the young age of 37 but also the anniversary of the day my second husband walked out on me, but aside of that I just feel lost. The consolation I have is that my children are seemingly doing really well going to school and keeping on track! And that is truly wonderful! I am blessed with great kids!

I was recently talking to a friend and we discussed just not feeling that sense of belonging in any aspect of life. I thought about that a lot because I have spent quite a bit of time in my life feeling that I just don't fit in. Sometimes now I just feel so awkward in certain situations and it really makes me just want to disappear.

So I go to church today and the sermon is about adultery. Great message if you are married. I couldn't handle it, I just couldn't. I felt like an outcast yet again. Like going to a concert and realizing that you don't have a ticket, or like being late to the opera or theatre and finding the doors locked realizing that are not going to get in no matter what you do. Suddenly, feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency were raging and the fear of not fitting in or being good enough took over! It just doesn't apply to me. Now I know that I may very well just be whining here and that teaching on adultery and the damages that it causes are truly necessary in this society, but this is my blog and I can express my feelings here in an open and real way in hopes that somehow Christ will shine through and bring the hope that we all need. I know I need hope! I think I just don't understand how someone who is so blessed to have a spouse could be so naive as to commit adultery. Here I am a single woman who dearly desires a deep meaningful relationship where she can be as in Genesis 2:25, not afraid to be vulnerable with one another and completely trust and rely upon each other, then I see people that take that for granted. It's kinda hard to swallow! So today...I choked on it!

I am moved to tears wondering how anyone could think so insignificantly of their spouse. I have been observing the people around me as of late and in my conversations with the Lord, which are kinda one sided at this point, me questioning and not really getting answers. More like me free thinking with God and He's just listening, with me but just listening. I know perfect husband right! Lol!! Anyway, at my age most of my friends are married so this allows me the chance to just see how married relationships can be different with different people. I have heard so many stories and you know just to be honest I DON'T GET IT!! I have to stop here and say that I am NOT judging in anyway! We all are flawed human beings and I am the foremost of being flawed, really I am! I am just trying to understand things in this world. I have heard so many stories of husbands and wives treating each other with such disdain and it really amazes me. I mean whatever happened to that whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing? I see wives treating their husbands like children, trying to control them and really choking the life out of the relationship. Then I see husbands do things intentionally to start arguments or just emotionally disconnecting and then abandoning the situation all together. Maybe I sound like an immature child here but I just don't understand nor do I wanna be part of all that. On one hand it makes me think, "Well perhaps that is why I am still single? I'm not mean enough!" Or maybe,...perhaps I have too high of expectations?? Yeah I expect men to be able to handle money responsibly! No I'm not a subscriber of giving my husband an allowance. I mean, is it just me or is that crazy? Do I expect men to be men? Yes! Do I want to change that? No, I mean isn't that why women love men, because they are men? Maybe I'm too passive, but ugh, who wants to nag? I mean really, does anyone really enjoy being that way? I sure don't! Gross! We are all humans and able to think for ourselves, and I guess I expect people to do just that. I should probably stop there.

So there you have it! The answer to why of my singleness,...I just don't fit in there either! I can't seem to follow the modern rules of dating let alone what I have seen in marriage as the norm of relationship functionality. That and the fact that, every good and perfect gift comes from His hand and nothing comes but by His hand. Ha! There's another subject.

I have been practicing the song, "how He loves" by David Crowder and the very first line is a big struggle for me. It is: He is jealous for me. Why I struggle with that is because with my askewed view of God, I have it in my mind that He is not willing to share, not willing to allow me to have the relationship that I desire because it will take away from Him. It naturally happens that way when you add someone to your life, especially a person who you may be falling in love with and think there may be a romantic future with, you want to spend time with them to find out. And yes I know that this idea I have of God is not at all biblical or in correct alignment with who God really is and has shown Himself to be. But I have to go back to C.S. Lewis's depiction of Aslan the lion and how He is not a tame lion, He is not safe! Ultimately, I believe the ideal is to have both God and a man in my life who will constantly point me back to Jesus as I aspire to do the same for him. Sounds impossible right? Yeah, I know! Guess I don't have any choice, I mean we pray prayers and ask for things but what is really best for us? Can I possibly know? When I ask for things like when I asked Him to fix my failed marriage and He blatantly said, "No, I did not put all that effort into you to let this man squash it!" How do I know what is best for me? His ways are not my own, (sigh) but I guess I do believe that He will do what is best for me even if it is not necessarily what I want.

Blah, blah, blah, I've just keep going on and ranting and whining and complaining, so if you actually read this, sorry. Daddy, I ask you to only let Yourself remain.

Here's that song by Kendall Payne-Aslan

this is the only video I found, this girl is pretty good!

On a humorous note:

When things get difficult for me I have a bad habit of saying, "I just wanna jump off a bridge!" and I found myself saying that this week and it has been a while since I have felt that way. Let me stop and say, I am NOT suicidal! There is just something about letting go that is associated with that comment. It is like when I went skydiving, a liberating free fall! Or just that doing of something, dangerous that is totally impossible to control or be responsible for, you're just along for the ride. I had to laugh yesterday when someone, who had not know this about me and the bridges comment, proceeded to tell me exactly how I could go about jumping off a certain local bridge! I was asked if that was on my bucket list and my response is...it should be! Lol!!