Breathe the free air!

I was seeking the Lord in a big way today in my devotional time. I have really struggled with the direction of my life and will probably continue to do so, but today I feel like I got some answer to prayer! I asked God to help me open my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to obey the direction that he desires me to go. I constantly struggle with the distractions of this world.
I was reading my favorite devotional and this is what I gleaned:

Fling aside your fears-Come Away my Beloved by Roberts

...For when you are utterly finished,
and exhausted in your struggling;
when you have come to the end of all your striving;
when you are ready to abandon your intellectual pursuit,..

Cast aside your questionings.

For in the moment you relinquish all-
in that same moment you shall know release.
For you shall be free of yourself
and shall be captive of My love.

My arms shall gather you, and I shall never let you go!

I have been reminded, lately, of the movie the Two Towers and how the King of Rohan was possessed by evil and after Gandalf the white freed him, he tells the King to breathe the free air!
Today, I believe I have begun to breathe the free air!

The Only Exception!

Part of me wishes that I could be like this song says; “content with loneliness” but we both know how I am! The other part of me would never allow it! I have seen so much heart ache and heart break, and I have experienced loss, firsthand on so many levels in my time. Sometimes I wonder what in the world! I mean I am only thirty-five years old and have experienced so much pain; it makes me almost not want to know what is to come!

I’m thinking that I must have been silly enough to pray some prayer along the way that said something like Paul in the New Testament where he said he had learned to be content in his life in times of lack and times of plenty, and that he became all things to all people (Lori paraphrase). You know someone should really warn Christians to really think before you pray because He will take you seriously! God does not fool around with requests such as these!

All kidding aside, He is a good God but boy isn’t He jealous! I mean here I am a single mom of four and struggling because this is a HEAVY load that is not exactly meant for one person! I have a deep desire for a mate for so many reasons: to share the image of love that God himself bestows upon his bride the church, to enjoy that intimacy that comes from knowing someone (as in genesis, really knowing a person), to grow with, live, laugh and love the world with; but also, to help carry this load. You know burdens halved, joys doubled! I long to be held and to actually be able to rely on someone, to lean on someone, to share a like minded dream, and actually trust that man. So here I am looking for just that, someone and wouldn’t you know it, God steps in, and things get,...well,...challenging! I’m not sure, but I imagine it is probably like a parent thinking that no one is good enough for their child. I know there are no perfect people out there; I mean I’m not, so how can I look for someone who is? Well, there is the misinterpretation is, not perfect but perfect for me. Am I too loving, too giving, too sacrificial?

One friend reminded me that I should present my requests to the Lord and rest in the fact that in His time things will be perfect. So I did, I presented my list of what I would like in a mate to my Abba last night. I had to laugh when he commented, “Are you done yet?” to which I replied, “just one more page!” I am so glad my Father in Heaven has such a great sense of humor and is looking out for me! I believe that He has planned to bless me in an amazingly, perfect for me, relationship someday when His timing is right. Until then, He is my only exception!

Although, God in reference to moving my family, it sure would be nice to have a man around! I’m just saying! ;)

Blessings!

Poem 7/13/2010

Daddy let it rain today
and let them know I feel this way.

Broken pieces on the floor
Where my heart was whole before

Shattered door and bended hope,
with heartache, I now do cope.

Take it slow and careful from the start.
I fall too quickly and give my heart.

Tried to be smart, tried to be wise,
Was it in mine or your eyes?

I chose to trust again, ... to believe
in something wonderful, my mind can't see.

Shrouded by fear, entrenched in doubt
The past has proven what this is about.

Siting in silence, pondering the pain
Wondering if, ...today it will rain?

New hurt brings back an old familiar wound,
For you, perhaps it was too soon.

My quiet heart loves and on my sleeve does lay,
For fear or some reason I have lost today.

With eyes stinging and blurred by the pain,
"Daddy,...please let it rain."

So they won't see, the tears fall down...
Let your healing rain mend my broken heart,
without
a
sound.

Celebrating Freedom!

Last night we attended the splendid and fabulous display of fireworks that took place at the Pensacola Beach pier. Fireworks are an amazing thing! One one hand they are extremely dangerous explosives and on the other they are awe-some enough to demand quite a bit of praise from the audiences. It became amazing to me that when the largest of the fireworks was first set off, the quiet of the onlookers was quickly dispelled with great shouts and an eruption of cheering! Lighting up the night sky with such ferocity, the crowd grew more and more exuberant with each boom!

I couldn't help but to be introspective during this display because I have been seeking directions and not sure if the reasoning for my neglecting certain directions was legit or just fear driven. There are so many demands upon our lives here in this world and where priorities lie have been a great source of challenge for me. For this moment though, with my daughter sitting in my lap and sitting still I realized that I knew the answer to my question and that fear had become such a driving force in my life. I realized that at that moment, sitting on the beach with my kids was exactly where God wanted me and He met me there!

I thought about how my life was becoming quite mediocre and that perhaps I had traded the wonderful adventure for the predictability of familiarity! I also realized that I am a person whom will never be satisfied with the idea of a mediocre life, meaning I was created for a purpose and anything else would be simply not good enough! Of course the moment I start down this path towards dreaming and believing again, the doubts creep in. I am quickly reminded of the logical and practical reasoning that is not conducive to living this way. Some how, demands of life and the practicality of sight meet with the demands of the heart's desire and the spirit, and the only question is, who wins in Lori's world? I would be thought to be quite irrational if I made one decision and appear possibly stupid by others, but then there is God and what He thinks. I read a book by Francis Chan titled Crazy Love and in it he speaks of his wife's grandmother, a true Christian woman who's desire was solely for her heavenly Father. He talks about how they attended the theatre and he asked her if she was enjoying and she replied that she wasn't really enjoying it. He then asked why and she replied with saying that she couldn't stand the thought of God returning while she was sitting in the theatre! Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that we should enjoy things, I sure desire to. God did say we can have abundant life here and now; however, how abundant can life be if you are not doing what you have been designed to do?
I don't know about you, but I have the worst time figuring this out,...or do I? Am I just running? In fear? Am I fearing that God won't do what He said He would or am I fearing that He will?

All I am really wanting is the faith walk without the faith part. To have faith, tough experiences and total reliance upon God is required, who would want that? I look at my self now and compare to the faith walk I used to have and I have great reason to be alarmed, or do I? I have thought of how I used to trust God so much for so many things and now I am so much more self sufficient. This in itself can be very depressing then I am led to the words of Jesus, in Luke 22:31
"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail; and you, when once turned again, strengthen your brothers. "

I have always felt such similarities to Simon Peter in his misplaced exuberance, passion, and leaping before looking, not to mention his constantly sticking his foot in his mouth! But I have to think about the part of, when once turned again, then being able to strengthen others, and wonder, "Lord, is this what has happened with me?" I have definitely felt the sifting of ole smutty but I know that he always has to ask permission from my Abba, so there must be reasons? Character training again? Most likely!

I heard a pastor say, he heard a girl once say that God invites us to His party, it's not about us! That kinda takes the fear out of the possibility of failure.

So I was watching the fireworks with great peace then thought, about how all the people were shouting and celebrating the awesome yet dangerous fireworks and I am reminded of the Lion Aslan and how he is not a tame lion that he is awesome and yet not safe! As our God is a fierce and Holy God, due all glory and honor for his majestic splendor! Cheering for the fireworks I caught a glimpse of heaven and with a slightly melancholy heart feeling, "We should be praising you my Father!" "All this should be for you!" Thank you for the freedom you died to give! Thank you for the Spirit of Power, Love, and a Sound Mind! Thanks for throwing your party and inviting me! Love, your daughter