Had Enough - Lifehouse (HQ Smoke and Mirrors)

Great song!

Ramblings of an outcast!

Another day, another struggle with disappointments of how my life has turned out. I don't to sound depressive but this one may hinge on that precipice. Next Saturday is the 6yr anniversary of the death of Daniel and for some reason this year the loss seems even more apparent. I suppose I could chock the way I am feeling up to this week and not only that it is the anniversary of my first husband dying of cancer at the young age of 37 but also the anniversary of the day my second husband walked out on me, but aside of that I just feel lost. The consolation I have is that my children are seemingly doing really well going to school and keeping on track! And that is truly wonderful! I am blessed with great kids!

I was recently talking to a friend and we discussed just not feeling that sense of belonging in any aspect of life. I thought about that a lot because I have spent quite a bit of time in my life feeling that I just don't fit in. Sometimes now I just feel so awkward in certain situations and it really makes me just want to disappear.

So I go to church today and the sermon is about adultery. Great message if you are married. I couldn't handle it, I just couldn't. I felt like an outcast yet again. Like going to a concert and realizing that you don't have a ticket, or like being late to the opera or theatre and finding the doors locked realizing that are not going to get in no matter what you do. Suddenly, feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency were raging and the fear of not fitting in or being good enough took over! It just doesn't apply to me. Now I know that I may very well just be whining here and that teaching on adultery and the damages that it causes are truly necessary in this society, but this is my blog and I can express my feelings here in an open and real way in hopes that somehow Christ will shine through and bring the hope that we all need. I know I need hope! I think I just don't understand how someone who is so blessed to have a spouse could be so naive as to commit adultery. Here I am a single woman who dearly desires a deep meaningful relationship where she can be as in Genesis 2:25, not afraid to be vulnerable with one another and completely trust and rely upon each other, then I see people that take that for granted. It's kinda hard to swallow! So today...I choked on it!

I am moved to tears wondering how anyone could think so insignificantly of their spouse. I have been observing the people around me as of late and in my conversations with the Lord, which are kinda one sided at this point, me questioning and not really getting answers. More like me free thinking with God and He's just listening, with me but just listening. I know perfect husband right! Lol!! Anyway, at my age most of my friends are married so this allows me the chance to just see how married relationships can be different with different people. I have heard so many stories and you know just to be honest I DON'T GET IT!! I have to stop here and say that I am NOT judging in anyway! We all are flawed human beings and I am the foremost of being flawed, really I am! I am just trying to understand things in this world. I have heard so many stories of husbands and wives treating each other with such disdain and it really amazes me. I mean whatever happened to that whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing? I see wives treating their husbands like children, trying to control them and really choking the life out of the relationship. Then I see husbands do things intentionally to start arguments or just emotionally disconnecting and then abandoning the situation all together. Maybe I sound like an immature child here but I just don't understand nor do I wanna be part of all that. On one hand it makes me think, "Well perhaps that is why I am still single? I'm not mean enough!" Or maybe,...perhaps I have too high of expectations?? Yeah I expect men to be able to handle money responsibly! No I'm not a subscriber of giving my husband an allowance. I mean, is it just me or is that crazy? Do I expect men to be men? Yes! Do I want to change that? No, I mean isn't that why women love men, because they are men? Maybe I'm too passive, but ugh, who wants to nag? I mean really, does anyone really enjoy being that way? I sure don't! Gross! We are all humans and able to think for ourselves, and I guess I expect people to do just that. I should probably stop there.

So there you have it! The answer to why of my singleness,...I just don't fit in there either! I can't seem to follow the modern rules of dating let alone what I have seen in marriage as the norm of relationship functionality. That and the fact that, every good and perfect gift comes from His hand and nothing comes but by His hand. Ha! There's another subject.

I have been practicing the song, "how He loves" by David Crowder and the very first line is a big struggle for me. It is: He is jealous for me. Why I struggle with that is because with my askewed view of God, I have it in my mind that He is not willing to share, not willing to allow me to have the relationship that I desire because it will take away from Him. It naturally happens that way when you add someone to your life, especially a person who you may be falling in love with and think there may be a romantic future with, you want to spend time with them to find out. And yes I know that this idea I have of God is not at all biblical or in correct alignment with who God really is and has shown Himself to be. But I have to go back to C.S. Lewis's depiction of Aslan the lion and how He is not a tame lion, He is not safe! Ultimately, I believe the ideal is to have both God and a man in my life who will constantly point me back to Jesus as I aspire to do the same for him. Sounds impossible right? Yeah, I know! Guess I don't have any choice, I mean we pray prayers and ask for things but what is really best for us? Can I possibly know? When I ask for things like when I asked Him to fix my failed marriage and He blatantly said, "No, I did not put all that effort into you to let this man squash it!" How do I know what is best for me? His ways are not my own, (sigh) but I guess I do believe that He will do what is best for me even if it is not necessarily what I want.

Blah, blah, blah, I've just keep going on and ranting and whining and complaining, so if you actually read this, sorry. Daddy, I ask you to only let Yourself remain.

Here's that song by Kendall Payne-Aslan

this is the only video I found, this girl is pretty good!

On a humorous note:

When things get difficult for me I have a bad habit of saying, "I just wanna jump off a bridge!" and I found myself saying that this week and it has been a while since I have felt that way. Let me stop and say, I am NOT suicidal! There is just something about letting go that is associated with that comment. It is like when I went skydiving, a liberating free fall! Or just that doing of something, dangerous that is totally impossible to control or be responsible for, you're just along for the ride. I had to laugh yesterday when someone, who had not know this about me and the bridges comment, proceeded to tell me exactly how I could go about jumping off a certain local bridge! I was asked if that was on my bucket list and my response is...it should be! Lol!!

How He Loves Me- Enough to totally Wreck me!

Today is the first day of a new walk of faith for me. I have been chasing a future that was my will and now I have decided to take and make the time for my beloved God. To abide in His presence and seek his face, are what concerns me today! In rest and repentance is your salvation, is my new place. Have you ever totally shocked yourself by your own bad behavior? I have become increasingly appalled at myself in certain situations and especially my attitude concerning the Lord's beloved around me! I found myself saying, "Wow, Lori you used to be so much nicer than you are now! What happened?" Whereas I'm not exactly sure, I believe it has something to do with my getting away from submitting to His will for my life. I guess a year ago when I got divorced, I got mad and I took things into my own hands and determined that I would be the decider of my fate! Wow, how stupid to think that I could handle such a task! The year has been full of struggles and stress, anxiety and hurt, fear and disappointment! I certainly can not say that I was experiencing joy or abundant living, day to day!

So that is where I am at! Not doing, but trying to remember how to "be" in Him! Surrendering and constantly begging Him to do this "life thing" for me and carry me through. Terribly ashamed at how He has been doing that all along and I have struggled the entire time to try to get out of his loving hands, and how I have totally ignored him. Repentance and rest!

I had the most amazing worship time today to the above song! Got the chords and God is allowing me or affording me the opportunity to learn it and let my heart and spirit commune with Him, and realize a small part of just how much He Loves Me! He is wrecking me and it is awesome! Thanks Daddy! Te quiero!

Breathe the free air!

I was seeking the Lord in a big way today in my devotional time. I have really struggled with the direction of my life and will probably continue to do so, but today I feel like I got some answer to prayer! I asked God to help me open my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to obey the direction that he desires me to go. I constantly struggle with the distractions of this world.
I was reading my favorite devotional and this is what I gleaned:

Fling aside your fears-Come Away my Beloved by Roberts

...For when you are utterly finished,
and exhausted in your struggling;
when you have come to the end of all your striving;
when you are ready to abandon your intellectual pursuit,..

Cast aside your questionings.

For in the moment you relinquish all-
in that same moment you shall know release.
For you shall be free of yourself
and shall be captive of My love.

My arms shall gather you, and I shall never let you go!

I have been reminded, lately, of the movie the Two Towers and how the King of Rohan was possessed by evil and after Gandalf the white freed him, he tells the King to breathe the free air!
Today, I believe I have begun to breathe the free air!

The Only Exception!

Part of me wishes that I could be like this song says; “content with loneliness” but we both know how I am! The other part of me would never allow it! I have seen so much heart ache and heart break, and I have experienced loss, firsthand on so many levels in my time. Sometimes I wonder what in the world! I mean I am only thirty-five years old and have experienced so much pain; it makes me almost not want to know what is to come!

I’m thinking that I must have been silly enough to pray some prayer along the way that said something like Paul in the New Testament where he said he had learned to be content in his life in times of lack and times of plenty, and that he became all things to all people (Lori paraphrase). You know someone should really warn Christians to really think before you pray because He will take you seriously! God does not fool around with requests such as these!

All kidding aside, He is a good God but boy isn’t He jealous! I mean here I am a single mom of four and struggling because this is a HEAVY load that is not exactly meant for one person! I have a deep desire for a mate for so many reasons: to share the image of love that God himself bestows upon his bride the church, to enjoy that intimacy that comes from knowing someone (as in genesis, really knowing a person), to grow with, live, laugh and love the world with; but also, to help carry this load. You know burdens halved, joys doubled! I long to be held and to actually be able to rely on someone, to lean on someone, to share a like minded dream, and actually trust that man. So here I am looking for just that, someone and wouldn’t you know it, God steps in, and things get,...well,...challenging! I’m not sure, but I imagine it is probably like a parent thinking that no one is good enough for their child. I know there are no perfect people out there; I mean I’m not, so how can I look for someone who is? Well, there is the misinterpretation is, not perfect but perfect for me. Am I too loving, too giving, too sacrificial?

One friend reminded me that I should present my requests to the Lord and rest in the fact that in His time things will be perfect. So I did, I presented my list of what I would like in a mate to my Abba last night. I had to laugh when he commented, “Are you done yet?” to which I replied, “just one more page!” I am so glad my Father in Heaven has such a great sense of humor and is looking out for me! I believe that He has planned to bless me in an amazingly, perfect for me, relationship someday when His timing is right. Until then, He is my only exception!

Although, God in reference to moving my family, it sure would be nice to have a man around! I’m just saying! ;)

Blessings!

Poem 7/13/2010

Daddy let it rain today
and let them know I feel this way.

Broken pieces on the floor
Where my heart was whole before

Shattered door and bended hope,
with heartache, I now do cope.

Take it slow and careful from the start.
I fall too quickly and give my heart.

Tried to be smart, tried to be wise,
Was it in mine or your eyes?

I chose to trust again, ... to believe
in something wonderful, my mind can't see.

Shrouded by fear, entrenched in doubt
The past has proven what this is about.

Siting in silence, pondering the pain
Wondering if, ...today it will rain?

New hurt brings back an old familiar wound,
For you, perhaps it was too soon.

My quiet heart loves and on my sleeve does lay,
For fear or some reason I have lost today.

With eyes stinging and blurred by the pain,
"Daddy,...please let it rain."

So they won't see, the tears fall down...
Let your healing rain mend my broken heart,
without
a
sound.

Celebrating Freedom!

Last night we attended the splendid and fabulous display of fireworks that took place at the Pensacola Beach pier. Fireworks are an amazing thing! One one hand they are extremely dangerous explosives and on the other they are awe-some enough to demand quite a bit of praise from the audiences. It became amazing to me that when the largest of the fireworks was first set off, the quiet of the onlookers was quickly dispelled with great shouts and an eruption of cheering! Lighting up the night sky with such ferocity, the crowd grew more and more exuberant with each boom!

I couldn't help but to be introspective during this display because I have been seeking directions and not sure if the reasoning for my neglecting certain directions was legit or just fear driven. There are so many demands upon our lives here in this world and where priorities lie have been a great source of challenge for me. For this moment though, with my daughter sitting in my lap and sitting still I realized that I knew the answer to my question and that fear had become such a driving force in my life. I realized that at that moment, sitting on the beach with my kids was exactly where God wanted me and He met me there!

I thought about how my life was becoming quite mediocre and that perhaps I had traded the wonderful adventure for the predictability of familiarity! I also realized that I am a person whom will never be satisfied with the idea of a mediocre life, meaning I was created for a purpose and anything else would be simply not good enough! Of course the moment I start down this path towards dreaming and believing again, the doubts creep in. I am quickly reminded of the logical and practical reasoning that is not conducive to living this way. Some how, demands of life and the practicality of sight meet with the demands of the heart's desire and the spirit, and the only question is, who wins in Lori's world? I would be thought to be quite irrational if I made one decision and appear possibly stupid by others, but then there is God and what He thinks. I read a book by Francis Chan titled Crazy Love and in it he speaks of his wife's grandmother, a true Christian woman who's desire was solely for her heavenly Father. He talks about how they attended the theatre and he asked her if she was enjoying and she replied that she wasn't really enjoying it. He then asked why and she replied with saying that she couldn't stand the thought of God returning while she was sitting in the theatre! Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that we should enjoy things, I sure desire to. God did say we can have abundant life here and now; however, how abundant can life be if you are not doing what you have been designed to do?
I don't know about you, but I have the worst time figuring this out,...or do I? Am I just running? In fear? Am I fearing that God won't do what He said He would or am I fearing that He will?

All I am really wanting is the faith walk without the faith part. To have faith, tough experiences and total reliance upon God is required, who would want that? I look at my self now and compare to the faith walk I used to have and I have great reason to be alarmed, or do I? I have thought of how I used to trust God so much for so many things and now I am so much more self sufficient. This in itself can be very depressing then I am led to the words of Jesus, in Luke 22:31
"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail; and you, when once turned again, strengthen your brothers. "

I have always felt such similarities to Simon Peter in his misplaced exuberance, passion, and leaping before looking, not to mention his constantly sticking his foot in his mouth! But I have to think about the part of, when once turned again, then being able to strengthen others, and wonder, "Lord, is this what has happened with me?" I have definitely felt the sifting of ole smutty but I know that he always has to ask permission from my Abba, so there must be reasons? Character training again? Most likely!

I heard a pastor say, he heard a girl once say that God invites us to His party, it's not about us! That kinda takes the fear out of the possibility of failure.

So I was watching the fireworks with great peace then thought, about how all the people were shouting and celebrating the awesome yet dangerous fireworks and I am reminded of the Lion Aslan and how he is not a tame lion that he is awesome and yet not safe! As our God is a fierce and Holy God, due all glory and honor for his majestic splendor! Cheering for the fireworks I caught a glimpse of heaven and with a slightly melancholy heart feeling, "We should be praising you my Father!" "All this should be for you!" Thank you for the freedom you died to give! Thank you for the Spirit of Power, Love, and a Sound Mind! Thanks for throwing your party and inviting me! Love, your daughter