Breathe the free air!

I was seeking the Lord in a big way today in my devotional time. I have really struggled with the direction of my life and will probably continue to do so, but today I feel like I got some answer to prayer! I asked God to help me open my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to obey the direction that he desires me to go. I constantly struggle with the distractions of this world.
I was reading my favorite devotional and this is what I gleaned:

Fling aside your fears-Come Away my Beloved by Roberts

...For when you are utterly finished,
and exhausted in your struggling;
when you have come to the end of all your striving;
when you are ready to abandon your intellectual pursuit,..

Cast aside your questionings.

For in the moment you relinquish all-
in that same moment you shall know release.
For you shall be free of yourself
and shall be captive of My love.

My arms shall gather you, and I shall never let you go!

I have been reminded, lately, of the movie the Two Towers and how the King of Rohan was possessed by evil and after Gandalf the white freed him, he tells the King to breathe the free air!
Today, I believe I have begun to breathe the free air!

The Only Exception!

Part of me wishes that I could be like this song says; “content with loneliness” but we both know how I am! The other part of me would never allow it! I have seen so much heart ache and heart break, and I have experienced loss, firsthand on so many levels in my time. Sometimes I wonder what in the world! I mean I am only thirty-five years old and have experienced so much pain; it makes me almost not want to know what is to come!

I’m thinking that I must have been silly enough to pray some prayer along the way that said something like Paul in the New Testament where he said he had learned to be content in his life in times of lack and times of plenty, and that he became all things to all people (Lori paraphrase). You know someone should really warn Christians to really think before you pray because He will take you seriously! God does not fool around with requests such as these!

All kidding aside, He is a good God but boy isn’t He jealous! I mean here I am a single mom of four and struggling because this is a HEAVY load that is not exactly meant for one person! I have a deep desire for a mate for so many reasons: to share the image of love that God himself bestows upon his bride the church, to enjoy that intimacy that comes from knowing someone (as in genesis, really knowing a person), to grow with, live, laugh and love the world with; but also, to help carry this load. You know burdens halved, joys doubled! I long to be held and to actually be able to rely on someone, to lean on someone, to share a like minded dream, and actually trust that man. So here I am looking for just that, someone and wouldn’t you know it, God steps in, and things get,...well,...challenging! I’m not sure, but I imagine it is probably like a parent thinking that no one is good enough for their child. I know there are no perfect people out there; I mean I’m not, so how can I look for someone who is? Well, there is the misinterpretation is, not perfect but perfect for me. Am I too loving, too giving, too sacrificial?

One friend reminded me that I should present my requests to the Lord and rest in the fact that in His time things will be perfect. So I did, I presented my list of what I would like in a mate to my Abba last night. I had to laugh when he commented, “Are you done yet?” to which I replied, “just one more page!” I am so glad my Father in Heaven has such a great sense of humor and is looking out for me! I believe that He has planned to bless me in an amazingly, perfect for me, relationship someday when His timing is right. Until then, He is my only exception!

Although, God in reference to moving my family, it sure would be nice to have a man around! I’m just saying! ;)

Blessings!

Poem 7/13/2010

Daddy let it rain today
and let them know I feel this way.

Broken pieces on the floor
Where my heart was whole before

Shattered door and bended hope,
with heartache, I now do cope.

Take it slow and careful from the start.
I fall too quickly and give my heart.

Tried to be smart, tried to be wise,
Was it in mine or your eyes?

I chose to trust again, ... to believe
in something wonderful, my mind can't see.

Shrouded by fear, entrenched in doubt
The past has proven what this is about.

Siting in silence, pondering the pain
Wondering if, ...today it will rain?

New hurt brings back an old familiar wound,
For you, perhaps it was too soon.

My quiet heart loves and on my sleeve does lay,
For fear or some reason I have lost today.

With eyes stinging and blurred by the pain,
"Daddy,...please let it rain."

So they won't see, the tears fall down...
Let your healing rain mend my broken heart,
without
a
sound.

Celebrating Freedom!

Last night we attended the splendid and fabulous display of fireworks that took place at the Pensacola Beach pier. Fireworks are an amazing thing! One one hand they are extremely dangerous explosives and on the other they are awe-some enough to demand quite a bit of praise from the audiences. It became amazing to me that when the largest of the fireworks was first set off, the quiet of the onlookers was quickly dispelled with great shouts and an eruption of cheering! Lighting up the night sky with such ferocity, the crowd grew more and more exuberant with each boom!

I couldn't help but to be introspective during this display because I have been seeking directions and not sure if the reasoning for my neglecting certain directions was legit or just fear driven. There are so many demands upon our lives here in this world and where priorities lie have been a great source of challenge for me. For this moment though, with my daughter sitting in my lap and sitting still I realized that I knew the answer to my question and that fear had become such a driving force in my life. I realized that at that moment, sitting on the beach with my kids was exactly where God wanted me and He met me there!

I thought about how my life was becoming quite mediocre and that perhaps I had traded the wonderful adventure for the predictability of familiarity! I also realized that I am a person whom will never be satisfied with the idea of a mediocre life, meaning I was created for a purpose and anything else would be simply not good enough! Of course the moment I start down this path towards dreaming and believing again, the doubts creep in. I am quickly reminded of the logical and practical reasoning that is not conducive to living this way. Some how, demands of life and the practicality of sight meet with the demands of the heart's desire and the spirit, and the only question is, who wins in Lori's world? I would be thought to be quite irrational if I made one decision and appear possibly stupid by others, but then there is God and what He thinks. I read a book by Francis Chan titled Crazy Love and in it he speaks of his wife's grandmother, a true Christian woman who's desire was solely for her heavenly Father. He talks about how they attended the theatre and he asked her if she was enjoying and she replied that she wasn't really enjoying it. He then asked why and she replied with saying that she couldn't stand the thought of God returning while she was sitting in the theatre! Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that we should enjoy things, I sure desire to. God did say we can have abundant life here and now; however, how abundant can life be if you are not doing what you have been designed to do?
I don't know about you, but I have the worst time figuring this out,...or do I? Am I just running? In fear? Am I fearing that God won't do what He said He would or am I fearing that He will?

All I am really wanting is the faith walk without the faith part. To have faith, tough experiences and total reliance upon God is required, who would want that? I look at my self now and compare to the faith walk I used to have and I have great reason to be alarmed, or do I? I have thought of how I used to trust God so much for so many things and now I am so much more self sufficient. This in itself can be very depressing then I am led to the words of Jesus, in Luke 22:31
"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail; and you, when once turned again, strengthen your brothers. "

I have always felt such similarities to Simon Peter in his misplaced exuberance, passion, and leaping before looking, not to mention his constantly sticking his foot in his mouth! But I have to think about the part of, when once turned again, then being able to strengthen others, and wonder, "Lord, is this what has happened with me?" I have definitely felt the sifting of ole smutty but I know that he always has to ask permission from my Abba, so there must be reasons? Character training again? Most likely!

I heard a pastor say, he heard a girl once say that God invites us to His party, it's not about us! That kinda takes the fear out of the possibility of failure.

So I was watching the fireworks with great peace then thought, about how all the people were shouting and celebrating the awesome yet dangerous fireworks and I am reminded of the Lion Aslan and how he is not a tame lion that he is awesome and yet not safe! As our God is a fierce and Holy God, due all glory and honor for his majestic splendor! Cheering for the fireworks I caught a glimpse of heaven and with a slightly melancholy heart feeling, "We should be praising you my Father!" "All this should be for you!" Thank you for the freedom you died to give! Thank you for the Spirit of Power, Love, and a Sound Mind! Thanks for throwing your party and inviting me! Love, your daughter

God is Love! And He cares about the little things that aren't quite so little after all!

Today God showed me something. He showed me that He loves me so much that he refuses to let me choke on my own bad choices. I recently needed to re-evaluate my schedule due to the fact that I had, once again, bit off more than I can chew. I have one friend who tells me the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. That is all find and well but my bites are not bites but huge colossal chomps that are too big to bite down and close your teeth let alone trying to chew. Being a single mother of four, this type of act of super heroineism is not hard to do. There is always a million things to be done which always leave me feeling inadequate. Of course I should be able to raise four children, keep a house, take care of the finances, prepare to move, file paper work for two of the four children’s college, re-evaluate my budget when the health insurance goes up, procure groceries, cook dinner, laundry, bed times, teeth brushing, etc. and also go to college full time and take way too many math courses for anyone, while expecting to get A’s. Whew! I’m tired just thinking about it! I didn’t even mention how far we are behind on the dog’s check-ups and unpacking boxes from two moves ago. But with all these things going on so that I feel like Indiana Jones, when he is running from the huge stone boulder that is hot on his tail, God surprises me in the midst of the chaos. He uses this to teach me yet again another lesson on trusting Him and how He really does care about me and will provide peace and money for the moving truck just because…He loves me.

I have started to realize that I am one of those women, you know one of THOSE women who believe they can do all of the above, while curing cancer, and leaping tall buildings in a single bound! I call it Wonder Woman syndrome. I heard it said once, “the longer you live the less you know!” How true is that? I find out the longer I am here on this planet the little I actually know about,…well, everything! I remember being a teenager and knowing literally everything, (ha ha!) or so I thought. I have spent the time since realizing how much I really do not know and how totally incapable of living this life that I am. I have had to come to terms with myself and face the fact that, I have limitations! Each day seems to present a new understanding into just what exactly it means to me human. It is a relieving journey in finding that God really does not expect what I think He does. It is a humbling journey to find out that my expectations of myself far out weigh those of the leader of the universes!

My life is not easy to begin with, and I know we all have our challenges in life, He never said it would be easy. But I do not believe that His desire is for us to be totally miserable because we are working so hard all the time. I believe that just as much in the times of work and duty God is involved, but also in our play and relaxation He is in the midst of us, smiling and laughing right along. After all, who invented the idea or concept of fun? Wasn’t it God Himself? If everything that was made was made through Him, and every good and perfect gift comes from Him, then that includes play and rest doesn’t it? I love to create pottery or ceramics. I also love to paint with acrylics, draw, and play my guitar ; however, with my wonder woman schedule I have not had time to do those things that feed my soul the most. I absolutely love writing this blog too! Now I will have the time I need to do what I need to do! I have been reading Leviticus lately, praying to make it through, and one thing I notice is that God is precise! He directs the nation of Israel on what to do in every situation, sickness, sin, normal everyday bodily functions. He gives exact instructions, step by step on how to handle everything. God really never wastes anything. He uses every little part to teach us just who He is and as we look closer and closer into the eyes of love, our eyes grow wide with wonder.

So I had to write how God changed my schedule today and blessed me as a result of that change. Not only did He convey that He has no desire for me to work myself to death, but He also loves me enough to make sure I have what I need. I learned that I don’t have to join the rat race, as some call it. I am on His journey and He is more concerned about what I need than I am. He also knows me better than I know myself. That whole life and having it more abundantly, that He speaks about in John’s gospel, that can be had here and now, this day is the day to choose whom you will serve!

I am humbled and amazed at His grace once again.

Everybodyduck - Pour Out My Heart (Audio Only)

Struggling in the Light!

Have you ever wondered what you purpose in this life is? Have you ever figured it out, or so you think, only to be confused again momentarily? This seems to be the pattern for my life right now. I just think that I figure out a direction in my life and get so excited that I have finally chosen the direction that will bring fulfillment and contentment. Then in on comment, one song, one obscure conversation with a friend, something changes and I am at a loss once again. Tossed around like a ship in rough seas with no view of land in sight, thinking that if I go in the wrong direction I may not survive or worse yet I may just run aground.

How I long for a simple directive a, “go here and do that” kind of instruction, instead of bouncing back and forth like a pinball.


I was chatting with a friend recently and she commented on how there is a great desire within her to find out what instrument was her part in the grand orchestra so as to practice and be able to play her part. I responded with the comment, “We all do that but I think the symphony happens along the way!”


Today my thoughts took me to a place of unbelief. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that in certain areas of my life I am not trusting God. Perhaps part of me gave up somewhere along the way because the road got too difficult to endure, so I took a side road. Ever done that? To be quite honest all the losses and grief of the past six years has really done a number on me. God had been faithful and brought me through unbelievable adversities; yet, I stopped trusting Him somewhere along the way. I stopped trusting that he really cares about my heart when it is breaking or has been broken. I resolved that He was only concerned with my character which is wonderful and to be of good character is of prime importance, but being a woman, a single woman. Who has been widowed and abandoned on numerous occasions, and who is raising four children on her own, having to make all the decisions and walk it all out in strength when she’d like to just crumble on the floor... That woman, needs the Creator of the Universe, Who said He would be all that she would ever need,.. to care about her heart, and she really needs to feel it!
I also stopped believing that He would use me. I started believing the lie that I was too messed up and there were a million other people who are better equipped for what He had asked me to do. I started to believe that I am just another mess up, who is ruining things once again. I started thinking that it was time to grow up and stop believing in things like, “following your dreams,” because for me they just weren’t coming true. I started thinking that I needed to be more practical because practical pays the bills and dreaming doesn’t! You know that childlike faith,…gone.

This thinking brought me to a stagnant place where I was like that ship, run aground. I just didn’t know it. Confused, alone, disappointed at the way my life had turned out, and not wanting to believe for fear of having hopes dashed once again. I became once again bored with life and my choices. I guess underneath I have known that I am running from the thing. I have admitted it before, know it is true, but something inside of me is petrified and unwilling to speak life into it. It may be because all my younger years I was told how stupid I was and that I could not make a decision and I just didn’t want to make a decision that was not based upon logic. I guess with my statistical brain it says, “there is a higher percentage of failure when you don’t base you decisions upon fact!”

I struggled and struggled to do what seemed to be the logical “right” thing to do. I went in one direction, not happy not fulfilled. I went another direction, same result. I went back, same. I even tried another direction and the same un-fulfillment is occurring again. It is like the glass funhouse I went into with my dad when I was a little girl.

Everything is clear so you can’t see which way is the right path, so you just walk forward till you run into something. This is all well and fine till you hit so many walls that fear kicks in and you believe you will be there forever! What to do next? For me a girl, fall down and cry out for my Daddy to come get me out of what is for me, alone, an insurmountable task. Feeling that same sort of desperation and inadequacy, something whispers, “well you’ll never know because you can’t seem to actually stick with something long enough to finish it!” Which leaves me feeling worthless again, lost and confused, falling down crying for my Daddy.

Then God,…

Started showing me in ways that He does care about my heart but also cares about the hearts of others and His timing is best. He had continued to show me people, whom I did not even know, to whom He ministered through me (and most times I had no idea!) I received a precious message from a woman whose life had done a 180 since we had met. She had struggled with an addiction and had been free of it for over 2 years. She told me that I was a big part of the reason why. How humbling that was for me. God loved her through me and I was a mess! I was a mess then just trying to keep my head above water dealing with multiple losses and I am a mess now finding out that God would choose me as His vessel by which to help her. I mean, who am I? There have been others who God has pointed out that He has worked through me for them.

So now I sit here, in my confusion longing for God to make sense of it all then in worship this song comes: Pour out my Heart (*see next post)

Through a series of sermons the messages seem to be saying to me that I need to stop worrying about what I was created to do and just focus on who I was created to be. But then I think of the details and He says, "You will not fail because I called you to it!" In the devotional My Utmost for His Highest, Chambers writes, "Remember God's say-so, 'I will in no way fail you.'" If He is so confident and made all these promises like: "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do His good pleasure." and , " I will never leave you nor forsake you." Then WHY am I shaking in my boots? (so to speak, I'm not wearing boots!)

I have been confused by what things I am doing. Should I go for this degree or that one? Is this degree my will or God's? Am I just, once again running? The other day I read this:

and we must he ...if we are going to choose what He does not want, He will check,ed. Whenever there is doubt, stop at once. Never reason it out and say-"I wonder why I shouldn't?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He guides our common sense, and we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually saying-"Now, Lord, what is Thy will?"

It seemes pretty basic, if in doubt, don't. Why don't I remember that? Why do I reason?

Why don't I trust more fully and completely? My life is in His hands, so why do I live with the mindset that it is not? In Romans 7 Paul talkes about not doing what he wanted to do and continuing to do what he didn't want to do. I can relate to that!

God says, "Lori trust me, with it all and I will make my will known to you and you will no longer move haltingly, you shall move swiftly and surely."

Oh I so long for moving surely! Speak to your child, I am listening, now!