Loser

Just one little letter from my graduate school application is all it takes and then I'm back in 8th grade again, dealing with the devastating effects of rejection. Who would have thought at 38 years of age that would be all it takes? I don't really want to seem like a whiner but I received that letter today and whereas I know many, MANY people both have dealt with and are dealing with much graver issues, I sit here devastated with my dreams shattered once again so...here comes the whine, because it just makes me feel better to get it out!

 I had a rather difficult childhood and I won't go into many details; however, rejection was not only an experience but a way of life back then. Yet for this gangly unkempt 13 year old who had been tormented by peers for the preceding three years it never seemed that rejection sank in, somehow there was always a belief in hope and better things to come. Ahh the enduring hope of a naive child, can be quite a contrast from reality. So there I was, thirteen and having tried out for the girls 8th grade basketball team. I knew I had the skills necessary to play however was at quite a disadvantage because my nerves were getting the best of me. Due to the fact that my hands were shaking I had trouble dribbling and shooting the ball. I remember feeling like all eyes were on me and that with one wrong move I would be ostracized and once again end up feeling like a total loser. Try outs ended and I simply could not sleep that night. Upon telling my mother about how hopeful I was, I remember the cutting way her words sliced through me as she reminded me, once again, that I was, in fact, a loser and probably did not make the team. The words hurt but I had grown a certain amount of resistance to her throngs that started when I was six years old, so I had some measure of protective walls built up when she was involved. I dream t that night that my name was on the list that was to be hung in the 8th grade hall the following day and the joy I felt in making the team; however, remember it was just a dream. Sick with excitement and anticipation the following day, I ran to the door where the list was posted and scanned through the names, sadly to find my name was not there. It felt as if my whole world was coming to an end, everything I felt and believed about that day was torn apart and shredded in the acute awareness of the reality in which I lived. I was devastated!! I was a loser!! My mother had been right all along.

So that is what I felt again today. Upon getting the rejection letter from the graduate school, I feel devastated and like a loser. A million thoughts racing in my head, "what am I going to do now?", "I thought this was God's direction and plan?", "What exactly have I accomplished in these 38 years I have been alive?", "Others have careers and achievements...What do I have,...a solid track record of not being enough!" I can't help but wonder if anything has changed at all in the last 25 years? For I still seem to be the same person. No matter how hard I try I can not get away from that person who loses.

Following the 8th grade basketball tryouts, I did go to the coach and asked why I did not make the team. I didn't get a real good answer so I asked if there was anyway in which I could help out the team because I just wanted to be a part. The coach agreed and let me be the assistant, which basically meant I would collect balls and clean up after the team but had the bonus that I could practice with them. I went to the first practice and to my surprise not one of the girls chosen could do a lay up. I don't know if it was just nerves or the fact that they were all goofing around, probably still reveling in the fact that they had made the team. Oddly enough though, I , being able to practice with them, was the only one who could do a lay up that day, which was also my last day helping the team. I guess I had the satisfaction of knowing that I could do it even if nerves had thwarted my plan and that is all I needed.

So how do I do this again? In this situation? Do I just suck it up and re-apply next year? Well, what am I going to do till then? Just twiddle my thumbs? So many question, so few answers. Was this God's plan? I was so sure? Do I even know anymore? And if it was that I would go through this process and feel that rejection all over again, what was the purpose in that? Seems that it would just breed resentment and a loss of hope? What direction do I take now? Should I just give up? Because in all actuality...I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing. I'm tired of trying to prove myself. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of losing. Well there it is, where I'm at. If you actually read this, then please don't hate me for whining. I only ask you to say a prayer for me for...without vision the people perish, this is so very true for me and right now the vision is lost!

Lost something along the way...?

Have you ever had a time in your life when you lost something? Something that was crucial for living life? I'm not talking about your comb, favorite CD, or even your wallet, but some precious belief in the way you think or understand the world around you? Have you ever lost things like faith, hope, or love?

I have been reading a book lately called Reaching out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I have only begun the book but have already found treasures that have leapt off the page and dove into my heart and mind, planning to stay. It has been tremendously enriching and I am only 30 pages into the book! I was not sure that I should even pick up a book right now being that it is the beginning of another fall semester of college but I really just can not put it down! Right now it is the proverbial water for the thirsty soul.

In reading this book it has awakened a sense of self discovery within me and encouraged me to write again. I had a tremendous flounder earlier this year with making a new blog and proclamation of what I was going to do over the course of a year, only to have it be one of the biggest challenges and I have yet to really sort it out in my mind. Regardless, I was reading last night and to be honest it has been a while since I have felt the impression of God pointing out something in my life that needed attention, but that is what happened. Maybe He was being gracious or patient with me, knowing that bringing this to my attention would create a great awareness of my spiritual state and with it a demand for change, change in the form of pain and humility.

Coming to terms with one's self can be a scary and daunting task! Taking an honest look at flaws and inadequacies is something that most people avoid like the plague and I have not only avoided these as of the last few months but I have been running the opposite direction, deliberately!

Have you ever ran smack dab into a wall? Everything seems to be going your way, keyword here is seems, and then all of a sudden, "BAM!" out of no where...brick wall! Ever been there? I used to be there often, because there were a lot of things that could render me to a mess quite easily, but since I have learned to run away from those things that hurt, I haven't had as many encounters with such walls, which explains my shock when yesterday I ran into one! But God was going to use that wall in a big way!

So I was talking about losing something that was crucial to life, well last night I was reading in the book and there really was not any sentence or concept that got my mind to thinking so it must have been God who posed that question to me:

"You don't believe that prayer works anymore do you Lori?"
"Ever since you lost Dan you just don't believe anymore do you?"

Well, it stopped me dead in my tracks and I really thought about it. I thought of how I prayed and prayed for a miracle and it didn't turn out the way that I wanted and how something in that area of my heart had died. The part that held hope for the future of doing and experiencing great and mighty things, belief that God's desire is to WOW me and that He really does want what is best for me. The part where I pray and ask God for just exactly what I want and with great expectancy anticipate His fulfillment of that request. It's...dead, gone, not there anymore.

So what happened? I don't know exactly. I could say it was the disappointment of Daniel's death, or the death of my subsequent marriage, the unfulfillment of my life's direction and desires to be fulfilled. I could say it perhaps, is due to the understanding that God is sovereign and knows both what is best for me and what is yet to come, so what exactly should I pray for?? Obviously I do not know what is best for me or what the future holds. As a matter of fact, there is really very little that I do know or understand about God! A pastor friend of mine once told me that that was the right place to be, to understand less and less about God, the longer that you walk with Him! I guess that is because we are on this incomprehensible journey to try to learn more about an infinite God and who He had designed us to be. Maybe that should be the definition of insanity, just kidding, but it does seem a bit odd doesn't it? A little overwhelming, and exhausting to me.

So this is where I am at, I finally decided what I want to do with my education and found out that it is probably impossible, so I will be forced to go a route that I really did not want to go but it is quite possibly the only option. So I ask you is this God challenging me to ask for a miracle, for Him to make a way and rebuild or rebirth the dead part of me that prays and sees prayers answered? Or is it God's way of steering me in the direction that is best for me? You can clearly see where one way calls for prayer and the other surrender. I suppose they both call for prayer but I desire great and marvelous things. Is that really too much to ask? After living on this planet and all the disappointments that come, it is no wonder why people give up! Is that what I have done? Resigned to living a relatively boring and mundane life, where God is just a puppeteer and I am the marionette? (Sigh) I don't think so.

So here I am, not having a whole lot of confidence in prayer. Oh don't worry, I can believe and pray for miracles, healing, and blessings for you, just not for me. I guess I am the proverbial Jabez, whose name means pain or affliction, who believed for the blessing for all Israel but not for himself. In a way I look pretty arrogant don't I? Hmmmm,......I will think more on it. My faith in who God is is strong, I guess I'm just hung up somewhere between will, needing humility, and surrender, that's where the pain part comes in. I guess that's not too bad of a place to be?
Jesus is the giver of life so perhaps His plan is to bring this part of Lori back to life and living again.

Thanks for reading, ups and downs, you get em all!

Blessings, Lori

Had Enough - Lifehouse (HQ Smoke and Mirrors)

Great song!

Ramblings of an outcast!

Another day, another struggle with disappointments of how my life has turned out. I don't to sound depressive but this one may hinge on that precipice. Next Saturday is the 6yr anniversary of the death of Daniel and for some reason this year the loss seems even more apparent. I suppose I could chock the way I am feeling up to this week and not only that it is the anniversary of my first husband dying of cancer at the young age of 37 but also the anniversary of the day my second husband walked out on me, but aside of that I just feel lost. The consolation I have is that my children are seemingly doing really well going to school and keeping on track! And that is truly wonderful! I am blessed with great kids!

I was recently talking to a friend and we discussed just not feeling that sense of belonging in any aspect of life. I thought about that a lot because I have spent quite a bit of time in my life feeling that I just don't fit in. Sometimes now I just feel so awkward in certain situations and it really makes me just want to disappear.

So I go to church today and the sermon is about adultery. Great message if you are married. I couldn't handle it, I just couldn't. I felt like an outcast yet again. Like going to a concert and realizing that you don't have a ticket, or like being late to the opera or theatre and finding the doors locked realizing that are not going to get in no matter what you do. Suddenly, feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency were raging and the fear of not fitting in or being good enough took over! It just doesn't apply to me. Now I know that I may very well just be whining here and that teaching on adultery and the damages that it causes are truly necessary in this society, but this is my blog and I can express my feelings here in an open and real way in hopes that somehow Christ will shine through and bring the hope that we all need. I know I need hope! I think I just don't understand how someone who is so blessed to have a spouse could be so naive as to commit adultery. Here I am a single woman who dearly desires a deep meaningful relationship where she can be as in Genesis 2:25, not afraid to be vulnerable with one another and completely trust and rely upon each other, then I see people that take that for granted. It's kinda hard to swallow! So today...I choked on it!

I am moved to tears wondering how anyone could think so insignificantly of their spouse. I have been observing the people around me as of late and in my conversations with the Lord, which are kinda one sided at this point, me questioning and not really getting answers. More like me free thinking with God and He's just listening, with me but just listening. I know perfect husband right! Lol!! Anyway, at my age most of my friends are married so this allows me the chance to just see how married relationships can be different with different people. I have heard so many stories and you know just to be honest I DON'T GET IT!! I have to stop here and say that I am NOT judging in anyway! We all are flawed human beings and I am the foremost of being flawed, really I am! I am just trying to understand things in this world. I have heard so many stories of husbands and wives treating each other with such disdain and it really amazes me. I mean whatever happened to that whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing? I see wives treating their husbands like children, trying to control them and really choking the life out of the relationship. Then I see husbands do things intentionally to start arguments or just emotionally disconnecting and then abandoning the situation all together. Maybe I sound like an immature child here but I just don't understand nor do I wanna be part of all that. On one hand it makes me think, "Well perhaps that is why I am still single? I'm not mean enough!" Or maybe,...perhaps I have too high of expectations?? Yeah I expect men to be able to handle money responsibly! No I'm not a subscriber of giving my husband an allowance. I mean, is it just me or is that crazy? Do I expect men to be men? Yes! Do I want to change that? No, I mean isn't that why women love men, because they are men? Maybe I'm too passive, but ugh, who wants to nag? I mean really, does anyone really enjoy being that way? I sure don't! Gross! We are all humans and able to think for ourselves, and I guess I expect people to do just that. I should probably stop there.

So there you have it! The answer to why of my singleness,...I just don't fit in there either! I can't seem to follow the modern rules of dating let alone what I have seen in marriage as the norm of relationship functionality. That and the fact that, every good and perfect gift comes from His hand and nothing comes but by His hand. Ha! There's another subject.

I have been practicing the song, "how He loves" by David Crowder and the very first line is a big struggle for me. It is: He is jealous for me. Why I struggle with that is because with my askewed view of God, I have it in my mind that He is not willing to share, not willing to allow me to have the relationship that I desire because it will take away from Him. It naturally happens that way when you add someone to your life, especially a person who you may be falling in love with and think there may be a romantic future with, you want to spend time with them to find out. And yes I know that this idea I have of God is not at all biblical or in correct alignment with who God really is and has shown Himself to be. But I have to go back to C.S. Lewis's depiction of Aslan the lion and how He is not a tame lion, He is not safe! Ultimately, I believe the ideal is to have both God and a man in my life who will constantly point me back to Jesus as I aspire to do the same for him. Sounds impossible right? Yeah, I know! Guess I don't have any choice, I mean we pray prayers and ask for things but what is really best for us? Can I possibly know? When I ask for things like when I asked Him to fix my failed marriage and He blatantly said, "No, I did not put all that effort into you to let this man squash it!" How do I know what is best for me? His ways are not my own, (sigh) but I guess I do believe that He will do what is best for me even if it is not necessarily what I want.

Blah, blah, blah, I've just keep going on and ranting and whining and complaining, so if you actually read this, sorry. Daddy, I ask you to only let Yourself remain.

Here's that song by Kendall Payne-Aslan

this is the only video I found, this girl is pretty good!

On a humorous note:

When things get difficult for me I have a bad habit of saying, "I just wanna jump off a bridge!" and I found myself saying that this week and it has been a while since I have felt that way. Let me stop and say, I am NOT suicidal! There is just something about letting go that is associated with that comment. It is like when I went skydiving, a liberating free fall! Or just that doing of something, dangerous that is totally impossible to control or be responsible for, you're just along for the ride. I had to laugh yesterday when someone, who had not know this about me and the bridges comment, proceeded to tell me exactly how I could go about jumping off a certain local bridge! I was asked if that was on my bucket list and my response is...it should be! Lol!!

How He Loves Me- Enough to totally Wreck me!

Today is the first day of a new walk of faith for me. I have been chasing a future that was my will and now I have decided to take and make the time for my beloved God. To abide in His presence and seek his face, are what concerns me today! In rest and repentance is your salvation, is my new place. Have you ever totally shocked yourself by your own bad behavior? I have become increasingly appalled at myself in certain situations and especially my attitude concerning the Lord's beloved around me! I found myself saying, "Wow, Lori you used to be so much nicer than you are now! What happened?" Whereas I'm not exactly sure, I believe it has something to do with my getting away from submitting to His will for my life. I guess a year ago when I got divorced, I got mad and I took things into my own hands and determined that I would be the decider of my fate! Wow, how stupid to think that I could handle such a task! The year has been full of struggles and stress, anxiety and hurt, fear and disappointment! I certainly can not say that I was experiencing joy or abundant living, day to day!

So that is where I am at! Not doing, but trying to remember how to "be" in Him! Surrendering and constantly begging Him to do this "life thing" for me and carry me through. Terribly ashamed at how He has been doing that all along and I have struggled the entire time to try to get out of his loving hands, and how I have totally ignored him. Repentance and rest!

I had the most amazing worship time today to the above song! Got the chords and God is allowing me or affording me the opportunity to learn it and let my heart and spirit commune with Him, and realize a small part of just how much He Loves Me! He is wrecking me and it is awesome! Thanks Daddy! Te quiero!

Breathe the free air!

I was seeking the Lord in a big way today in my devotional time. I have really struggled with the direction of my life and will probably continue to do so, but today I feel like I got some answer to prayer! I asked God to help me open my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to obey the direction that he desires me to go. I constantly struggle with the distractions of this world.
I was reading my favorite devotional and this is what I gleaned:

Fling aside your fears-Come Away my Beloved by Roberts

...For when you are utterly finished,
and exhausted in your struggling;
when you have come to the end of all your striving;
when you are ready to abandon your intellectual pursuit,..

Cast aside your questionings.

For in the moment you relinquish all-
in that same moment you shall know release.
For you shall be free of yourself
and shall be captive of My love.

My arms shall gather you, and I shall never let you go!

I have been reminded, lately, of the movie the Two Towers and how the King of Rohan was possessed by evil and after Gandalf the white freed him, he tells the King to breathe the free air!
Today, I believe I have begun to breathe the free air!

The Only Exception!

Part of me wishes that I could be like this song says; “content with loneliness” but we both know how I am! The other part of me would never allow it! I have seen so much heart ache and heart break, and I have experienced loss, firsthand on so many levels in my time. Sometimes I wonder what in the world! I mean I am only thirty-five years old and have experienced so much pain; it makes me almost not want to know what is to come!

I’m thinking that I must have been silly enough to pray some prayer along the way that said something like Paul in the New Testament where he said he had learned to be content in his life in times of lack and times of plenty, and that he became all things to all people (Lori paraphrase). You know someone should really warn Christians to really think before you pray because He will take you seriously! God does not fool around with requests such as these!

All kidding aside, He is a good God but boy isn’t He jealous! I mean here I am a single mom of four and struggling because this is a HEAVY load that is not exactly meant for one person! I have a deep desire for a mate for so many reasons: to share the image of love that God himself bestows upon his bride the church, to enjoy that intimacy that comes from knowing someone (as in genesis, really knowing a person), to grow with, live, laugh and love the world with; but also, to help carry this load. You know burdens halved, joys doubled! I long to be held and to actually be able to rely on someone, to lean on someone, to share a like minded dream, and actually trust that man. So here I am looking for just that, someone and wouldn’t you know it, God steps in, and things get,...well,...challenging! I’m not sure, but I imagine it is probably like a parent thinking that no one is good enough for their child. I know there are no perfect people out there; I mean I’m not, so how can I look for someone who is? Well, there is the misinterpretation is, not perfect but perfect for me. Am I too loving, too giving, too sacrificial?

One friend reminded me that I should present my requests to the Lord and rest in the fact that in His time things will be perfect. So I did, I presented my list of what I would like in a mate to my Abba last night. I had to laugh when he commented, “Are you done yet?” to which I replied, “just one more page!” I am so glad my Father in Heaven has such a great sense of humor and is looking out for me! I believe that He has planned to bless me in an amazingly, perfect for me, relationship someday when His timing is right. Until then, He is my only exception!

Although, God in reference to moving my family, it sure would be nice to have a man around! I’m just saying! ;)

Blessings!