Last night we attended the splendid and fabulous display of fireworks that took place at the Pensacola Beach pier. Fireworks are an amazing thing! One one hand they are extremely dangerous explosives and on the other they are awe-some enough to demand quite a bit of praise from the audiences. It became amazing to me that when the largest of the fireworks was first set off, the quiet of the onlookers was quickly dispelled with great shouts and an eruption of cheering! Lighting up the night sky with such ferocity, the crowd grew more and more exuberant with each boom!
I couldn't help but to be introspective during this display because I have been seeking directions and not sure if the reasoning for my neglecting certain directions was legit or just fear driven. There are so many demands upon our lives here in this world and where priorities lie have been a great source of challenge for me. For this moment though, with my daughter sitting in my lap and sitting still I realized that I knew the answer to my question and that fear had become such a driving force in my life. I realized that at that moment, sitting on the beach with my kids was exactly where God wanted me and He met me there!
I thought about how my life was becoming quite mediocre and that perhaps I had traded the wonderful adventure for the predictability of familiarity! I also realized that I am a person whom will never be satisfied with the idea of a mediocre life, meaning I was created for a purpose and anything else would be simply not good enough! Of course the moment I start down this path towards dreaming and believing again, the doubts creep in. I am quickly reminded of the logical and practical reasoning that is not conducive to living this way. Some how, demands of life and the practicality of sight meet with the demands of the heart's desire and the spirit, and the only question is, who wins in Lori's world? I would be thought to be quite irrational if I made one decision and appear possibly stupid by others, but then there is God and what He thinks. I read a book by Francis Chan titled Crazy Love and in it he speaks of his wife's grandmother, a true Christian woman who's desire was solely for her heavenly Father. He talks about how they attended the theatre and he asked her if she was enjoying and she replied that she wasn't really enjoying it. He then asked why and she replied with saying that she couldn't stand the thought of God returning while she was sitting in the theatre! Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that we should enjoy things, I sure desire to. God did say we can have abundant life here and now; however, how abundant can life be if you are not doing what you have been designed to do? I don't know about you, but I have the worst time figuring this out,...or do I? Am I just running? In fear? Am I fearing that God won't do what He said He would or am I fearing that He will?
All I am really wanting is the faith walk without the faith part. To have faith, tough experiences and total reliance upon God is required, who would want that? I look at my self now and compare to the faith walk I used to have and I have great reason to be alarmed, or do I? I have thought of how I used to trust God so much for so many things and now I am so much more self sufficient. This in itself can be very depressing then I am led to the words of Jesus, in Luke 22:31 "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail; and you, when once turned again, strengthen your brothers. "
I have always felt such similarities to Simon Peter in his misplaced exuberance, passion, and leaping before looking, not to mention his constantly sticking his foot in his mouth! But I have to think about the part of, when once turned again, then being able to strengthen others, and wonder, "Lord, is this what has happened with me?" I have definitely felt the sifting of ole smutty but I know that he always has to ask permission from my Abba, so there must be reasons? Character training again? Most likely!
I heard a pastor say, he heard a girl once say that God invites us to His party, it's not about us! That kinda takes the fear out of the possibility of failure.
So I was watching the fireworks with great peace then thought, about how all the people were shouting and celebrating the awesome yet dangerous fireworks and I am reminded of the Lion Aslan and how he is not a tame lion that he is awesome and yet not safe! As our God is a fierce and Holy God, due all glory and honor for his majestic splendor! Cheering for the fireworks I caught a glimpse of heaven and with a slightly melancholy heart feeling, "We should be praising you my Father!" "All this should be for you!" Thank you for the freedom you died to give! Thank you for the Spirit of Power, Love, and a Sound Mind! Thanks for throwing your party and inviting me! Love, your daughter
Today God showed me something. He showed me that He loves me so much that he refuses to let me choke on my own bad choices. I recently needed to re-evaluate my schedule due to the fact that I had, once again, bit off more than I can chew. I have one friend who tells me the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. That is all find and well but my bites are not bites but huge colossal chomps that are too big to bite down and close your teeth let alone trying to chew. Being a single mother of four, this type of act of super heroineism is not hard to do. There is always a million things to be done which always leave me feeling inadequate. Of course I should be able to raise four children, keep a house, take care of the finances, prepare to move, file paper work for two of the four children’s college, re-evaluate my budget when the health insurance goes up, procure groceries, cook dinner, laundry, bed times, teeth brushing, etc. and also go to college full time and take way too many math courses for anyone, while expecting to get A’s. Whew! I’m tired just thinking about it! I didn’t even mention how far we are behind on the dog’s check-ups and unpacking boxes from two moves ago. But with all these things going on so that I feel like Indiana Jones, when he is running from the huge stone boulder that is hot on his tail, God surprises me in the midst of the chaos. He uses this to teach me yet again another lesson on trusting Him and how He really does care about me and will provide peace and money for the moving truck just because…He loves me.
I have started to realize that I am one of those women, you know one of THOSE women who believe they can do all of the above, while curing cancer, and leaping tall buildings in a single bound! I call it Wonder Woman syndrome. I heard it said once, “the longer you live the less you know!” How true is that? I find out the longer I am here on this planet the little I actually know about,…well, everything! I remember being a teenager and knowing literally everything, (ha ha!) or so I thought. I have spent the time since realizing how much I really do not know and how totally incapable of living this life that I am. I have had to come to terms with myself and face the fact that, I have limitations! Each day seems to present a new understanding into just what exactly it means to me human. It is a relieving journey in finding that God really does not expect what I think He does. It is a humbling journey to find out that my expectations of myself far out weigh those of the leader of the universes!
My life is not easy to begin with, and I know we all have our challenges in life, He never said it would be easy. But I do not believe that His desire is for us to be totally miserable because we are working so hard all the time. I believe that just as much in the times of work and duty God is involved, but also in our play and relaxation He is in the midst of us, smiling and laughing right along. After all, who invented the idea or concept of fun? Wasn’t it God Himself? If everything that was made was made through Him, and every good and perfect gift comes from Him, then that includes play and rest doesn’t it? I love to create pottery or ceramics. I also love to paint with acrylics, draw, and play my guitar ; however, with my wonder woman schedule I have not had time to do those things that feed my soul the most. I absolutely love writing this blog too! Now I will have the time I need to do what I need to do! I have been reading Leviticus lately, praying to make it through, and one thing I notice is that God is precise! He directs the nation of Israel on what to do in every situation, sickness, sin, normal everyday bodily functions. He gives exact instructions, step by step on how to handle everything. God really never wastes anything. He uses every little part to teach us just who He is and as we look closer and closer into the eyes of love, our eyes grow wide with wonder.
So I had to write how God changed my schedule today and blessed me as a result of that change. Not only did He convey that He has no desire for me to work myself to death, but He also loves me enough to make sure I have what I need. I learned that I don’t have to join the rat race, as some call it. I am on His journey and He is more concerned about what I need than I am. He also knows me better than I know myself. That whole life and having it more abundantly, that He speaks about in John’s gospel, that can be had here and now, this day is the day to choose whom you will serve!
Have you ever wondered what you purpose in this life is? Have you ever figured it out, or so you think, only to be confused again momentarily? This seems to be the pattern for my life right now. I just think that I figure out a direction in my life and get so excited that I have finally chosen the direction that will bring fulfillment and contentment. Then in on comment, one song, one obscure conversation with a friend, something changes and I am at a loss once again. Tossed around like a ship in rough seas with no view of land in sight, thinking that if I go in the wrong direction I may not survive or worse yet I may just run aground.
How I long for a simple directive a, “go here and do that” kind of instruction, instead of bouncing back and forth like a pinball.
I was chatting with a friend recently and she commented on how there is a great desire within her to find out what instrument was her part in the grand orchestra so as to practice and be able to play her part. I responded with the comment, “We all do that but I think the symphony happens along the way!”
Today my thoughts took me to a place of unbelief. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that in certain areas of my life I am not trusting God. Perhaps part of me gave up somewhere along the way because the road got too difficult to endure, so I took a side road. Ever done that? To be quite honest all the losses and grief of the past six years has really done a number on me. God had been faithful and brought me through unbelievable adversities; yet, I stopped trusting Him somewhere along the way. I stopped trusting that he really cares about my heart when it is breaking or has been broken. I resolved that He was only concerned with my character which is wonderful and to be of good character is of prime importance, but being a woman, a single woman. Who has been widowed and abandoned on numerous occasions, and who is raising four children on her own, having to make all the decisions and walk it all out in strength when she’d like to just crumble on the floor... That woman, needs the Creator of the Universe, Who said He would be all that she would ever need,.. to care about her heart, and she really needs to feel it! I also stopped believing that He would use me. I started believing the lie that I was too messed up and there were a million other people who are better equipped for what He had asked me to do. I started to believe that I am just another mess up, who is ruining things once again. I started thinking that it was time to grow up and stop believing in things like, “following your dreams,” because for me they just weren’t coming true. I started thinking that I needed to be more practical because practical pays the bills and dreaming doesn’t! You know that childlike faith,…gone.
This thinking brought me to a stagnant place where I was like that ship, run aground. I just didn’t know it. Confused, alone, disappointed at the way my life had turned out, and not wanting to believe for fear of having hopes dashed once again. I became once again bored with life and my choices. I guess underneath I have known that I am running from the thing. I have admitted it before, know it is true, but something inside of me is petrified and unwilling to speak life into it. It may be because all my younger years I was told how stupid I was and that I could not make a decision and I just didn’t want to make a decision that was not based upon logic. I guess with my statistical brain it says, “there is a higher percentage of failure when you don’t base you decisions upon fact!”
I struggled and struggled to do what seemed to be the logical “right” thing to do. I went in one direction, not happy not fulfilled. I went another direction, same result. I went back, same. I even tried another direction and the same un-fulfillment is occurring again. It is like the glass funhouse I went into with my dad when I was a little girl.
Everything is clear so you can’t see which way is the right path, so you just walk forward till you run into something. This is all well and fine till you hit so many walls that fear kicks in and you believe you will be there forever! What to do next? For me a girl, fall down and cry out for my Daddy to come get me out of what is for me, alone, an insurmountable task. Feeling that same sort of desperation and inadequacy, something whispers, “well you’ll never know because you can’t seem to actually stick with something long enough to finish it!” Which leaves me feeling worthless again, lost and confused, falling down crying for my Daddy.
Then God,…
Started showing me in ways that He does care about my heart but also cares about the hearts of others and His timing is best. He had continued to show me people, whom I did not even know, to whom He ministered through me (and most times I had no idea!) I received a precious message from a woman whose life had done a 180 since we had met. She had struggled with an addiction and had been free of it for over 2 years. She told me that I was a big part of the reason why. How humbling that was for me. God loved her through me and I was a mess! I was a mess then just trying to keep my head above water dealing with multiple losses and I am a mess now finding out that God would choose me as His vessel by which to help her. I mean, who am I? There have been others who God has pointed out that He has worked through me for them.
So now I sit here, in my confusion longing for God to make sense of it all then in worship this song comes: Pour out my Heart (*see next post)
Through a series of sermons the messages seem to be saying to me that I need to stop worrying about what I was created to do and just focus on who I was created to be. But then I think of the details and He says, "You will not fail because I called you to it!" In the devotional My Utmost for His Highest, Chambers writes, "Remember God's say-so, 'I will in no way fail you.'" If He is so confident and made all these promises like: "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do His good pleasure." and , " I will never leave you nor forsake you." Then WHY am I shaking in my boots? (so to speak, I'm not wearing boots!)
I have been confused by what things I am doing. Should I go for this degree or that one? Is this degree my will or God's? Am I just, once again running? The other day I read this:
and we must he ...if we are going to choose what He does not want, He will check,ed. Whenever there is doubt, stop at once. Never reason it out and say-"I wonder why I shouldn't?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He guides our common sense, and we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually saying-"Now, Lord, what is Thy will?"
It seemes pretty basic, if in doubt, don't. Why don't I remember that? Why do I reason?
Why don't I trust more fully and completely? My life is in His hands, so why do I live with the mindset that it is not? In Romans 7 Paul talkes about not doing what he wanted to do and continuing to do what he didn't want to do. I can relate to that!
God says, "Lori trust me, with it all and I will make my will known to you and you will no longer move haltingly, you shall move swiftly and surely."
Oh I so long for moving surely! Speak to your child, I am listening, now!
A friend recently told me that she noticed that I had not blogged in a while. She reminded me of how much I really enjoyed my writing and how I always believed it to be therapeutic; however, that has some how gotten out of place.
I have been going over and over the phraseology of the glass. Is you glass half full? or half empty? It is a matter of perspective and there is always another way of looking at things. I think the understanding or thought pattern that I arrived at was as follows. If the glass is half empty then isn't there a focus on what you don't have or what is lacking in your life? This tends to bring about a sense of neediness in a person. When we are focused on what we don't have it can cause bitterness, anger, and strife. If, on the other hand, our perspective is that the glass is half full, then we tend to focus on what we do have. It promotes a sense of gratitude and thankfulness for the blessings that we have in our life. It's a tough life out there! We never know what is coming around the corner, be it hardship or calm seas, whether it is tragedy or triumph, there are certain things that are just out of our control. So we have to decide what we are going to do with those circumstances, through how we approach it in our thought life. Is there another perspective?
Life is hard! Sometimes we are dealt some real blows, and that can get us discombobulated and turned about, but we can gain our "glass half full" mentality back if we simply, 'take every thought captive'!! Think about it!
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2
"Return to Me; for I have sought after you, but you have continued on in pursuit of your own ways. I have called to you, but you have disregarded Me. I have placed obstacles in your path, hoping that you would stop and consider and ask of Me, but you have obstinately and determinedly forged on ahead.
Have you learned no wisdom? Have past lessons fled your mind? Are My dealings with you forgotten?
O stubborn and rebellious child, has My love no longer the power to melt your heart? Have My words that you once so treasured become of no value to you?Put down your anxieties, and trust Me for everything. You need nothing but what I am fully able to supply, with no effort on your part. I do not ask all My children to live in so complete a degree of trust, but I require it of you, because you cannot please Me with anything less.
You are weary, and you should be strong. You are encumbered, and I would have you free. You are hindered by undue concerns, when you should be abounding in joy.
Come back into My perfect will, and finish the task I have assigned you. Anything else is sin. What may be legitimate for another is not so for you.
Come close to Me, and I will minister to you and revive your spirit. So shall you go on, even though the climb is steeper than ever before." (Come Away my Beloved, F. Roberts)
Before, you used to go to this person and that, but now the notion of the Divine control is forming so powerfully in you that you go to God about it. (My Utmost, O. Chambers)
Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your family far away.
For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is lord.
The princess of Tyre will shower you with gifts.
The wealthy will beg your favor.
The bride, a princess, looks glorious in her golden gown.
In her beautiful robes, she is led to the king, accompanied by her bridesmaids.
What a joyful and enthusiastic procession as they enter the king's palace! (Psalm 45:10-15 NLT)
"What seems to you to be at present a difficult situation is all part of My planning, and I am working out the details of circumstances so that I may bless you and reveal Myself to you in a new way!" (Come Away, F. Roberts)
So they won't see, the tears fall down...
