My dream Life, becoming my Real Life!

This song popped into my head yesterday and it was so very timely.

I had a great devotion time with the Lord yesterday in which He pointed out Deuteronomy 30. To be quite honest, I opened up my bible app and this was the chapter that was staring me in the face, I had not looked it up previously...it was just there!

In this chapter it covers the concept of choosing life or death. It begins with, "So it shall be when all of these things have come upon you, the blessing and the curse which I have set before you.." I was amazed. I guess with all the turmoil of last month I had forgotten one significant detail of the process,... my choice in it all. With finding out my ex got married 3 months after our break up, my beloved pup passing, the landlord refusing repair of my oven of which I had no money to fix, and turning 40 I had a choice to make, to either choose life or death, to see all this as a blessing or a curse. I admit it that these things were truly devastating to me, as those around me can attest that I didn't think I would make it, but after the emotional dust settles I have had to decide what to do with this information. Do I file it in the curse file? Deeming this as some sort of plan of the evil one to destroy me? Or do I file it in the blessings file? Gleaning understanding and knowledge knowing that only God can give Satan permission to mess with me so I can learn and grow? I am not minimizing these events and again they were tremendously hard to endure but now that the emotions are subsiding can I look more objectively at these things? That is the question I became aware of yesterday.

Some points that jumped out at me from Deut. 30 were "the Lord your God will restore you from captivity, and have compassion on you..", "The Lord your God will bring you into the land which your fathers possessed, and you shall possess it; and He will prosper you and multiply you..", "Then the Lord your God will prosper you abundantly in all the work of your hand, in the offspring of your body...the Lord will again rejoice over you for good...", "See I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity", "..the Lord you God may bless you in the land where you are entering to possess it. But if your heart turns away...you shall surely perish.", and "I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live.." This was not absolutely clear but I knew yesterday morning that I was back in the driver's seat, so to speak, as far as choosing life or death, blessing or cursing. Choosing God's vision or choosing my narrow and mostly dismal view of the present and future.

I decided yesterday to investigate a local pottery studio. On my birthday a dear friend brought me flowers and for the first time saw the ceramics I have created, which are all over my home. She instantly started taking pictures and telling me I should have these in a gallery in town. It was at that moment that I started to dream again and by the end of our visit she chose three pieces, of which she wants to purchase one. Due to this visit I rediscovered the deep desire in me to create so I went to the pottery studio so I would have a place to create more. This kindled my creative spirit and my mind was immediately flooded with creative ideas to try. To say the least it was refreshing and encouraging to think that in me God has placed amazing gifts and talents to be shared with the world.

Now there is only one person, in my life who truly fostered my creative spirit in a way no other has, and that person has not been my favorite person as of late; however, this individual actually finally questioned my educational endeavors, telling me that I really should be doing artwork instead. Perhaps if this person had been more upfront with other aspects of life things would have been different but then again maybe that was the only part that individual had to play in my life but it was key so I guess I have them to thank for that. Due to this and the song referenced above, the verse about "no more wasting time on what I think I am supposed to do", I have decided that my artwork will not be just a hobby but a major part of my career and life. I am still going to finish my degree but will have two careers and the two are not so independent so that they can not be complementary.

In the process of coming back to myself and finding my peace I realize I have a lot to be thankful for! I am finding my peace in the simple things like the cool breeze of the mornings, the smile on the faces of my children, and the beauty of hope and passion for life. Contentment of my own pace is my current learning path and not to be constantly thinking I have to rush to keep up with the pace of others. Slowing down to enjoy the moments, thank God for the beauty that surrounds me and is in me. It is in that appreciation, I am realizing that I am an amazing beautiful piece of artwork signed by the creator for an amazing purpose and success is right around the corner!

I can now say that I am becoming more aware of how things which looked like they were for my bad were actually the best thing for me. In recognizing my own worth and those things that make me unique, I can see how things that were not healthy for me. I am a dreamer, an independent creator who paves her own path and is strong enough to believe. And in the slowing down to my own pace I find more, more acceptance, more peace, more joy, more love, more of a place of where I belong and my beauty can flourish!

This life is not easy but I choose life and blessing because that is simply who I am! When I step back and look at the things I have been through I am a bit surprised at the strength and resiliency that comes from with in. Like the group lighthouse sings in the song Broken, about holding on for one more day to see what is thrown my way, will always be my theme song illustrating how deep down I know I will not be destroyed by this life because I choose life, love, and my Lord above all. Besides, scar tissue grows back stronger anyway.

So today I challenge you to choose life over death, choose blessing over cursing, choose love over anger and hate it is the pathway to peace and abundance!

Blessings!

Coming off the heels of yesterday...

After yesterdays post, I felt there was a few things left unsaid. One thing in particular that may be misconstrued is the realization of the wolves in sheep's clothing. The fact is that these individuals are there and awareness of them is half the battle; however, it is only through a concept of Emotional Intelligence or EQ that and individual can see the reality of the wolf life. Through the process of stepping back and realizing what makes these individuals their character and choices, the way they are allows a more accurate perception. This perception can give understanding of the best way to handle certain situations.

The point I was making yesterday is to not be deceived by certain things or people in this world but to be aware of the reality. So then the question in my mind raised, "What would Jesus have us do with this realization?" I think I came to the conclusion that Jesus would have us love them but not to the point at which we lose ourselves.  We can love those wolves in sheep's clothing...but from a distance.

For me it is all too easy to sacrifice my wants, needs, and goals for others whom I love; however, I have to stop and ask myself if this is the abundant life that God has died to give me. Well I can say when the sacrifice is for those, whom I love, then it is not such an altruistic endeavor. I am by nature a helper and it brings me great joy to help other people and while this is a good aspect of servant leadership it is good to remind myself that I am just as valuable and in need of help as the individual I would help. And how much more will I be able to help others if I, myself, am being helped?

God created us to live in community; therefore, helping and receiving help comes from those around us in our micro-community of the world community. While it is a nice thought that we can help everyone in our community it is relatively impossible. Some community members will refuse to be helped and appreciate the love that is being given. When Jesus said we are to love one another, He wasn't just speaking of our friends and those whom it is easy to love but also those who are difficult and a challenge to love.

While I agree with this I do have to say that there is an extent to which loving those who refuse love, can reach. There was no guarantee that those we love will love us back, just as God's experience of loving the world but the whole world doesn't love Him back. But I am not Him and when loving those who refuse love starts to take away from the person I am or steal my joy, that is the time to re-evaluate the situation. Perhaps there was a time that you loved an individual who refused your love? Well then you have insight into the great dilemma of will, which I won't go into now but at a later date.

Don't sacrifice who you are for another individual, EVER. God made you just the way He wanted you. You are His masterpiece! That is not to say that the effects of this world that have made you angry or bitter are part of God's design for the person you are and that is something for you to address, but always remember your original identity comes from and is hidden in God. That is the source of your identity and integrity!

 




Integrity is, in a nut shell, doing what you said you were going to do. If you say you are going to help someone or do something then the character trait of integrity is the vehicle that takes words to action. Sadly, in this society, much integrity has been lost for many; however, Jesus did and continues to do what he said he was going to do and as His beloved, this is a character trait that needs to be revived.

So if you say you love someone, show it otherwise they are just meaningless words of a broken world, or better yet show it with action then follow up with the words! Blessings!

Happy Love Month...yeah right!

                                          www.forwallpaper.com

"It is shocking how rude people can be...even church people!"-Sarah

Recently I was speaking with my daughter and she was astonished as how rude some people can be! She currently works as a server and had a few bad days where she was enlightened to the rudeness of some people and in particular, "church people!" Now I know I may get flack for this post but I'm just being authentic so hang with me!

I couldn't help but to empathize with her because, as of late, it appears we are both learning the same lesson in different ways. Just like Keith Green used to say, "Going to church doesn't make you into a Christian any more than going to McDonalds makes you into a hamburger!" It is so true!
So many times Christians who love the Lord with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength seem to perceive the church building as a safe place; however, in my life experience it is really no different than outside of the doors to the building.

Now this can go two ways from here, the direction of expectation and the direction of acceptance of reality, so I will go both directions.

First, and rightfully so, there is this misconception that within the walls of a church building is to be found, those individuals who have given their heart to Jesus as their Lord and Savior, who strive to be more like Him everyday and in every way. Those who express love for others, strive to do no harm, and try to make this world a better place till their journey up. This may be quite a naive view point; however, it is totally understandable to expect christians to act like christians, expressing the fruit of the spirit (ie. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control Gal 5:22-23); however, I have found this to not be entirely true. In fact, while there are many authentic christians in churches there are always a few wolves in sheep's clothing lurking. That is the reality!

In reality the church walls are just a smaller subset of the population as a whole. Scientists would call this a sample and by nature of a sample it is a smaller representation of the whole or population. There is also a thing in statistics called an outlier. These are random scores that are far away from the mean or average response score. Unfortunately, in my experience there are more outliers within the walls of the church building than most of us would like to admit. Those who profess with their lips but their hearts are far from him (Matthew 15:8) are those who say all the right things but do not know the maker of their soul.

To these individuals, like the pharisees, they only care about looking good and getting the praise of men, while deceit is in their hearts. In Matthew, Jesus continues to explain that it is out of the heart where the words of our mouth come from and those who speak evil of their father or mother defile the word of God. Can't you just picture it? Here are the religious leaders of the day, looking all holy and perfect, and Jesus calls them out on their heart state telling them that they are in all actuality evil because they do not have a close relationship with Him! They only know Jesus at arms length and refuse to let any true change take place in their hard self-centered hearts. Jesus said, "the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart and those defile a man." (Matt. 15:18)

Some individuals do not realize that it takes an actual relationship with Jesus to change a heart and that relationship comes through humility! What the world sees as good is often times the opposite of what God sees as good. The world says humility is weakness which is bad; however, in God's economy, weakness is an avenue for Him to be strong for you, which is good. This I have experienced personally! In reality, to be humble and weak is knowing your own limitation and where you stand in the grand scheme of life, rather than living in a fantasy world created in the mind. It takes true strength to show weakness!

One of the saddest things I have experienced is meeting these types of people that live behind a mask of false perfection and arrogance like these pharisees.  I do not want to ever be so hardened and self-centered so as to not love others out of the abundance of my love relationship with the author of love.
The thing to remember here is just because a person attends church does not mean they are a Christian and just because a person does not attend church does not be they are not a Christian. Even if individuals profess to be a Christian, if their heart is not in close relationship with Jesus then we are to judge them by their fruits.

Are they loving? Or do they treat others with contempt and ill will?

Are they joyful? Or are they angry all the time?

Do they have peace? Or are they constantly stressed out?

Are they patient? Or do they pressure and push for what they want, and want it yesterday?

Ar they kind, thinking of others before themselves? Or are they only concerned with their own wellbeing?

Are they a generally good person, whom people like to be around? Or do they treat others as replaceable and expendable?

Are they faithful with their commitments? Or all talk and no walk?

Are they gentle with others? Or do they deal harshly with others?

Do they practice self-control? Or just give in to whims of emotional outbursts and tantrums?

Now I am sure that we have all fallen in one of these areas a time or two, I know I have more often than I want to admit; however, in looking at these fruits of the spirit it is an overwhelming presence of the fruit bathed in humility that is representative of the love relationship with Jesus.

I am not a fan of judging any person on anything; however, Jesus said in Matthew 7:20 "So then, you will know them by their fruits"when speaking of those wolves in sheep's clothing. He speaks of those who do not produce fruit and how they will be cut down and in the next few verses states that it is only through KNOWING Him that eternal life is secured. So in this day and age, we ought to not be naive to think that the church building is a completely safe place but to always be on the look out for those who say one thing and do another.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another"John 13:34-35

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love" 1 John 4:7&8

Happy February! Here's some love go share it! Blessings!

You become who you hang around with!

It's really true! You tend to take on the traits of those you spend the most time with.  I have recently gone through a break up, well four months ago, of an engagement relationship. While that may seem like a long time, for a 3 year relationship it was more like going through a divorce. It's not that I had not been through this type of thing before, for I am well acquainted with loss of various types and a previous divorce; however, I found myself stuck and not being able to climb out. I was experiencing depression and recurring dreams that seemed to be prolonging my healing process but then today I went to the beach!

After dropping my daughter at school, I grabbed my favorite coconut coffee and headed to the beach with my journal in hand. As I sat there in the 64 degree weather, I started to remember the person I had been prior to this relationship. Words that came to mind were: kind, peaceful, fierce, tenacious, adventurous, happy, beautiful, loving, independent, strong, courageous, fearless, positive, encouraging, funny, secure, and compassionate. These among other thoughts swirled in my head with a great desire in my heart to reclaim them as part of my current identity. It was after an older gentleman walked by staring in my direction, to which my thoughts commented, "What are you looking at?" with lets just say a not so flattering expression on my face, that I stopped myself and asked, "Who are you Lori?" "Who have you become?" I realized that I used to be the secure confident person that greeted people with a smile and friendliness not contempt. I was not viewing others as enemies but as friends I simply had not met yet. It was that I realized the idea of becoming more like those individuals you spend the most time with, is really true.

You see my ex was the type of person who, as he himself admitted, was always fighting the world and felt others were trying to get something from him. Even if there was nothing to struggle with, he still struggled. I realized that I had taken on this trait over the last 3 years. I no longer saw the world through eyes of love and appreciation but through eyes of frustration, impatience, and anger. This is definitely not who I was created to be! I had gotten into a mindset of rushing, always being connected to technology, and thinking if I was going to make it in the business world I would have to work non-stop in order to do so and if I didn't the world would end! What a croc! Now I am not saying anything negative about my ex, it's just that that lifestyle does not agree with me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a rather laid back and relaxed individual, more of a Type B person. I am more of a calm natured go with the flow person. A person who is trustworthy, non-judging, and extremely understanding, so my friends tell me. My ex was a Type A++ person; high stress, impatient, critical, etc; and that's not to say that he didn't have good qualities, he did but that is why we are no longer together, incompatibility. Let's face it, the world would be boring if we were all the same and I'm not coming down on Type As just accepting that they are not a good match for me. Many people do not value the things I do, nor do they believe and think the way I do; therefore, my ex is not right or wrong, he is just not a good match for me and I'm ok with that!

So at this point, I stopped and watched the people around me, appreciating the little toddler playing in the sand and the middle aged men who decided to have a South Florida polar bear swim in the 66 degree Gulf of Mexico. It was then that I realized that I needed to get back to being me and the funny thing is, that woman, is amazing! She is beautiful, strong, loving, compassionate, caring, hopeful, adventurous, optimistic, happy, funny, non-judgemental and you know what? people love her! It only took a moment to realize that she was in there and I just need to slow down and change my thoughts back to what I know about her in order to find her. The fact is she never left! I just let someone else's traits latch on and wasn't staying true to myself. I am a lover not a fighter, unless someone I love is in danger, then I'm fierce but I am happiest when I stay true to myself and abide in love. That is where I belong! We only have one life and I want to live it, but it has to be lived in the now! Live is for the living so why don't you go and live it! Blessings!

Some days…are bad days

Recently I have been plagued with dreams that affect my day when I wake up.  As a student of psychology I can say, quite scientifically, that this is the process of my brain trying to make sense of a rather senseless situation and process all the thoughts and emotions that accompany. However, as a human I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion and fighting depression every step of the way. Wait…what? Depression? That's not me! How did I get to this place? I am typically a glass half full, silver lining, and make the best of all situations, even the tough ones, but right now I find myself in a place of darkness. While this may just be situational, coming up on months, we are approaching that time when a therapist may diagnose me with depression. It isn't every day that I deal with these great feelings of pain and anger over loss…it's just when I have the dreams. I wake up with a heavy weight on my chest and tears in my eyes, wanting both to go back to sleep to dream something else but not enough to do it for fear of re-entering that same dream, and to get up and push it all aside realizing it was just that a dream and give it no value (quite unsuccessfully I might add).

Like I said it doesn't happen every day…just about every other day. I quickly grab my journal and frantically write down every thought and feeling, thinking if I get it out of me then I will feel better…but I don't. I question God on why this happened, the incident that spawned the dreams, when I thought it was His plan? I didn't just think, I knew I had heard from God and this was definitely His plan, so…was this pain and suffering His plan as well? What is the purpose in that? A lesson?  I get angry. I thought You loved me and wanted me to have abundant life Lord? Too much stress, too much hurt, too much heartbreak for one person to bear. I can handle this Lord, it's making me crazy!!!! And I end it begging for deliverance from the pain. If the dreams would just stop, I would be okay.

Well I don't have any upswing to this post…it's just a bad day (like every other day lately), and I guess the confusion, pain, anger, overwhelming feelings, and tears are bound to happen in a journey of working through loss. I woke up in despair pleading with God, that I can not take it anymore! I just can't! All the questions of what went wrong, searching for meaning, and longing for peace. I guess I am hoping that He will get me through this bad day and at some point I will look up from this pile of crap and see the rainbow that will lead to my pot of gold, as I have been told by the smartest man I have ever known. Until then, I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself. :-(

Hold on to hope!

I have recently been struggling with a truly difficult situation in my life, then today I received some clarification from the Lord. Have you ever thought you heard something from the Lord that did not pan out like you thought it would? It is so challenging to make sense of these situations in our lives but in order to live a life of peace, we have to make sense of it somehow. I was in the space of hearing from God and believing He had brought me to a place of answered prayers a few years ago. Now while it was me, veering away from Him in the time since, that led to a dark place of hopelessness, it is still never a comfortable place to be in. I had taken His promise and then, in my own strength, went from there resulting in a traumatic ending to what I once thought was His will for me.
Sometimes God has to break things to rebuild them right!
I have learned many things over the last few days, especially about myself, like just how far away my spirit had gotten from Him, so that I could not even hear His voice. It wasn't that He wasn't speaking but I wasn't listening. There was a way that seemed right to me, so I went with it, but it ended in death.  It was a slow hidden death of the intimate connection between God and I, but still a death, and in that death I was lost once again, forgetting His promises to me.
I had gotten so focused on the earthly realm that I forgot my inheritance and the promises He made to never leave me, to protect me, to provide for me, to love me more than any other, to rescue me, and restore me.
So this huge trial happened at the worst time but perhaps in God's eyes it was the best timing. His ways are not our ways! It seems now looking back that I had gotten so far off track that He had to do something to get my attention and remind me that He is a jealous God and I am His, first and foremost! So I was broken…to the point that I did not think I would recover..I mean you get to a point when you start to wonder, "just how much of these tough things can I survive till I cannot anymore?" but they just keep coming! So this event was so difficult that I, once again was feeling lost in the ocean, just trying to get by moment by moment. All the emotions came all at once with lasting effects, chaos ensued. I knew that I was broken beyond repair, as far as the world was concerned, but I sought Him for something…a promise…relief…some sense of a life raft but there was none…
Swirling in a sea of grief and pain, crying at the drop of a hat, I was feeling the full extent of my spiritual separation from fellowship with God and then despair set in. Looking through my natural eyes, nothing seemed like it was going to work out nor did it look like I would survive this trial. Then trying to function in my own strength, I was brought to my knees of that power as well. You see, He had to break me and He did. I haven't felt so lost in the dark and alone before but I had to experience that to know the light again.
So there I was lost in the darkness and despairing doubt, then I got some sleep and woke up with a revelation in my spirit. For some reason, I woke up with hope and a sense of excitement today, to which I questioned, "What's up with this?" Why was I experiencing hope and excitement with a sense of great expectation on this day rather than the one before? I sat down to do my devotional and I came to Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. What?? Wait? God of hope?
But until now I had no hope, only despair and doubt. It was then I realized that I am, by nature, a hope-filled person, and I had been living in a state of hopelessness because I was looking at things through natural eyes not the spiritual eyes of my heart. In essence, I was living in a state that is contrary to who I am as a person! I came to the conclusion that I have to accept the fact that I am a hopeful person and it is only in that space/mindset that I am being fully me, the me I was created to be. However, if I am not living in that mindset, but living in the mindset of doubt and despair, I will not survive.
God being described as the God of hope is many times in the Word, but somehow I forgot who I am and that if He is the God of hope then hope is alive in me. I had lost sight of the fact that my identity is in Christ and it is by nature hope.
What a relief this understanding brought me, to comprehend that I was struggling because my spirit knew what my brain did not, that I am a hopeful person and it is absolutely essential, for my survival, to be hopeful and hope-filled, anything else is death to me.
Saying all that to say that my hope is in Him, and I will hold on to that hope, Him, because that is who I am! Psalms 42:11-Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Life changes perspective!

I saw this quote today and it stopped me for a moment because it took me back to the beginning of my college days. It was my third year in bible college and along with being a full time college student, I was home schooling three children, had a new baby, volunteering at our church, and my husband was dealing with a mystery illness that the doctors could not identify. Due to the extensive schedule, choosing classes had become a tricky game of "see what fits". I had been avoiding one course in particular since the beginning of my time at this college because I knew it would be a class that was not only totally unfamiliar but also uncharacteristic of who I was as a person. Just the thought was overwhelming and seemingly impossible for me to ever successfully complete with any sort of grade that would be sufficient to pass. No, this class, through mounting fear, had become my nemesis! This class was...speech!

Public speaking in front of a group of people can be unnerving to most, but for me a person who found security in my natural qualities of being the quite support for my husband's endeavors and really more of a follower by nature, it was absolutely frightening! So there I was only one class could fill the only opening I had in my schedule and it was speech class. To say I was a little upset at God for putting me in a class where, I was certain, I was set up to fail, would be an understatement. It was quite possibly the most difficult class of my entire college career. I must have gone home from that class in tears more times than not and quit that class, in my head, a dozen times only to finally make it to the final exam.

Our final exam consisted of getting a topic, having two minutes to prepare a two minute speech, and then delivering said speech. Up until that point I had a close friend who really helped me in the class and I don't think I would have made it without her friendship and support, now I was totally petrified! I had lost it in class a few times because of the stresses I was dealing with my husbands illness and the doctors inability to identify what the issue was. She was there to help me finish my speech and carry me through.

So for final exam we went consecutively, my friend and I, and I can not remember what my speech was about, but I remember what hers was about. She had been given the topic, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." We discussed her topic and were on opposite sides of the issue. I was totally against the concept, probably due to the fact that by this point I was literally starting to watch the man I love more than life itself, start to slowly wither. Something was wrong but the doctors could not give us an answer. Out of fear, I suppose, my position arose to the fact that I had a great love and did not want to loose him. The contemplation of that grave of a loss was unbearable and incomprehensible at that time, so I did what anyone would have done, I rebelled against the pain. I remember reasoning that pain of that magnitude was not worth going through, kind of the, "ignorance is bliss" mentality. She disagreed with me because she believed that love was the greatest thing a human can experience and that without that love, the understanding of our creator would never fully be realized.

So here, ten years after the cancer diagnosis and nine years after his death, raising four children on my own, a second failed marriage, and numerous other losses I can honestly say that yes, I agree with this quote by Mr. Tennyson. Unfortunately, no matter how painful it is, to know love is to know life and the absence of love for fear of losing that love is like a painter with no brushes or paint. Love is what gives color to our world and what makes life beautiful. Just like the artist, the colors are not always bright and cheery, they are sometimes muted and dark but they are still the substance that gives meaning and purpose to our souls! These loves and losses are what define us as human, giving meaning to our lives, enriching our world, and defining us as created beings. While resilience is woven into the fiber of our being and I am so thankful for that, to know love and lose it is greater than never knowing love,  because, it reminds us that we are human and the beauty that comes from living life!

Funny how life can change a certain perspective, remember I said I was more of a follower and a support person, well apparently God did not agree with that perspective either! Over the years I have become a leader. There is some sort of ingrained quality that, through all the tough circumstances, has arose and blossomed. This leadership ability has since effortlessly transferred to each of my four children. I can not imagine what they would be like  or who they would be if the past series of events had not happened the way they did. Every time I see one of my children rise up with that same familiar tenacity, unmoving confidence, and undeniable strength of leadership, I am taken aback at first wondering where they gained these traits and then I smile with the pride only a single mother knows, realizing that I know exactly where they got it from...speech class!
Blessings!

Loser

Just one little letter from my graduate school application is all it takes and then I'm back in 8th grade again, dealing with the devastating effects of rejection. Who would have thought at 38 years of age that would be all it takes? I don't really want to seem like a whiner but I received that letter today and whereas I know many, MANY people both have dealt with and are dealing with much graver issues, I sit here devastated with my dreams shattered once again so...here comes the whine, because it just makes me feel better to get it out!

 I had a rather difficult childhood and I won't go into many details; however, rejection was not only an experience but a way of life back then. Yet for this gangly unkempt 13 year old who had been tormented by peers for the preceding three years it never seemed that rejection sank in, somehow there was always a belief in hope and better things to come. Ahh the enduring hope of a naive child, can be quite a contrast from reality. So there I was, thirteen and having tried out for the girls 8th grade basketball team. I knew I had the skills necessary to play however was at quite a disadvantage because my nerves were getting the best of me. Due to the fact that my hands were shaking I had trouble dribbling and shooting the ball. I remember feeling like all eyes were on me and that with one wrong move I would be ostracized and once again end up feeling like a total loser. Try outs ended and I simply could not sleep that night. Upon telling my mother about how hopeful I was, I remember the cutting way her words sliced through me as she reminded me, once again, that I was, in fact, a loser and probably did not make the team. The words hurt but I had grown a certain amount of resistance to her throngs that started when I was six years old, so I had some measure of protective walls built up when she was involved. I dream t that night that my name was on the list that was to be hung in the 8th grade hall the following day and the joy I felt in making the team; however, remember it was just a dream. Sick with excitement and anticipation the following day, I ran to the door where the list was posted and scanned through the names, sadly to find my name was not there. It felt as if my whole world was coming to an end, everything I felt and believed about that day was torn apart and shredded in the acute awareness of the reality in which I lived. I was devastated!! I was a loser!! My mother had been right all along.

So that is what I felt again today. Upon getting the rejection letter from the graduate school, I feel devastated and like a loser. A million thoughts racing in my head, "what am I going to do now?", "I thought this was God's direction and plan?", "What exactly have I accomplished in these 38 years I have been alive?", "Others have careers and achievements...What do I have,...a solid track record of not being enough!" I can't help but wonder if anything has changed at all in the last 25 years? For I still seem to be the same person. No matter how hard I try I can not get away from that person who loses.

Following the 8th grade basketball tryouts, I did go to the coach and asked why I did not make the team. I didn't get a real good answer so I asked if there was anyway in which I could help out the team because I just wanted to be a part. The coach agreed and let me be the assistant, which basically meant I would collect balls and clean up after the team but had the bonus that I could practice with them. I went to the first practice and to my surprise not one of the girls chosen could do a lay up. I don't know if it was just nerves or the fact that they were all goofing around, probably still reveling in the fact that they had made the team. Oddly enough though, I , being able to practice with them, was the only one who could do a lay up that day, which was also my last day helping the team. I guess I had the satisfaction of knowing that I could do it even if nerves had thwarted my plan and that is all I needed.

So how do I do this again? In this situation? Do I just suck it up and re-apply next year? Well, what am I going to do till then? Just twiddle my thumbs? So many question, so few answers. Was this God's plan? I was so sure? Do I even know anymore? And if it was that I would go through this process and feel that rejection all over again, what was the purpose in that? Seems that it would just breed resentment and a loss of hope? What direction do I take now? Should I just give up? Because in all actuality...I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing. I'm tired of trying to prove myself. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of losing. Well there it is, where I'm at. If you actually read this, then please don't hate me for whining. I only ask you to say a prayer for me for...without vision the people perish, this is so very true for me and right now the vision is lost!

Lost something along the way...?

Have you ever had a time in your life when you lost something? Something that was crucial for living life? I'm not talking about your comb, favorite CD, or even your wallet, but some precious belief in the way you think or understand the world around you? Have you ever lost things like faith, hope, or love?

I have been reading a book lately called Reaching out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I have only begun the book but have already found treasures that have leapt off the page and dove into my heart and mind, planning to stay. It has been tremendously enriching and I am only 30 pages into the book! I was not sure that I should even pick up a book right now being that it is the beginning of another fall semester of college but I really just can not put it down! Right now it is the proverbial water for the thirsty soul.

In reading this book it has awakened a sense of self discovery within me and encouraged me to write again. I had a tremendous flounder earlier this year with making a new blog and proclamation of what I was going to do over the course of a year, only to have it be one of the biggest challenges and I have yet to really sort it out in my mind. Regardless, I was reading last night and to be honest it has been a while since I have felt the impression of God pointing out something in my life that needed attention, but that is what happened. Maybe He was being gracious or patient with me, knowing that bringing this to my attention would create a great awareness of my spiritual state and with it a demand for change, change in the form of pain and humility.

Coming to terms with one's self can be a scary and daunting task! Taking an honest look at flaws and inadequacies is something that most people avoid like the plague and I have not only avoided these as of the last few months but I have been running the opposite direction, deliberately!

Have you ever ran smack dab into a wall? Everything seems to be going your way, keyword here is seems, and then all of a sudden, "BAM!" out of no where...brick wall! Ever been there? I used to be there often, because there were a lot of things that could render me to a mess quite easily, but since I have learned to run away from those things that hurt, I haven't had as many encounters with such walls, which explains my shock when yesterday I ran into one! But God was going to use that wall in a big way!

So I was talking about losing something that was crucial to life, well last night I was reading in the book and there really was not any sentence or concept that got my mind to thinking so it must have been God who posed that question to me:

"You don't believe that prayer works anymore do you Lori?"
"Ever since you lost Dan you just don't believe anymore do you?"

Well, it stopped me dead in my tracks and I really thought about it. I thought of how I prayed and prayed for a miracle and it didn't turn out the way that I wanted and how something in that area of my heart had died. The part that held hope for the future of doing and experiencing great and mighty things, belief that God's desire is to WOW me and that He really does want what is best for me. The part where I pray and ask God for just exactly what I want and with great expectancy anticipate His fulfillment of that request. It's...dead, gone, not there anymore.

So what happened? I don't know exactly. I could say it was the disappointment of Daniel's death, or the death of my subsequent marriage, the unfulfillment of my life's direction and desires to be fulfilled. I could say it perhaps, is due to the understanding that God is sovereign and knows both what is best for me and what is yet to come, so what exactly should I pray for?? Obviously I do not know what is best for me or what the future holds. As a matter of fact, there is really very little that I do know or understand about God! A pastor friend of mine once told me that that was the right place to be, to understand less and less about God, the longer that you walk with Him! I guess that is because we are on this incomprehensible journey to try to learn more about an infinite God and who He had designed us to be. Maybe that should be the definition of insanity, just kidding, but it does seem a bit odd doesn't it? A little overwhelming, and exhausting to me.

So this is where I am at, I finally decided what I want to do with my education and found out that it is probably impossible, so I will be forced to go a route that I really did not want to go but it is quite possibly the only option. So I ask you is this God challenging me to ask for a miracle, for Him to make a way and rebuild or rebirth the dead part of me that prays and sees prayers answered? Or is it God's way of steering me in the direction that is best for me? You can clearly see where one way calls for prayer and the other surrender. I suppose they both call for prayer but I desire great and marvelous things. Is that really too much to ask? After living on this planet and all the disappointments that come, it is no wonder why people give up! Is that what I have done? Resigned to living a relatively boring and mundane life, where God is just a puppeteer and I am the marionette? (Sigh) I don't think so.

So here I am, not having a whole lot of confidence in prayer. Oh don't worry, I can believe and pray for miracles, healing, and blessings for you, just not for me. I guess I am the proverbial Jabez, whose name means pain or affliction, who believed for the blessing for all Israel but not for himself. In a way I look pretty arrogant don't I? Hmmmm,......I will think more on it. My faith in who God is is strong, I guess I'm just hung up somewhere between will, needing humility, and surrender, that's where the pain part comes in. I guess that's not too bad of a place to be?
Jesus is the giver of life so perhaps His plan is to bring this part of Lori back to life and living again.

Thanks for reading, ups and downs, you get em all!

Blessings, Lori

Had Enough - Lifehouse (HQ Smoke and Mirrors)

Great song!

Ramblings of an outcast!

Another day, another struggle with disappointments of how my life has turned out. I don't to sound depressive but this one may hinge on that precipice. Next Saturday is the 6yr anniversary of the death of Daniel and for some reason this year the loss seems even more apparent. I suppose I could chock the way I am feeling up to this week and not only that it is the anniversary of my first husband dying of cancer at the young age of 37 but also the anniversary of the day my second husband walked out on me, but aside of that I just feel lost. The consolation I have is that my children are seemingly doing really well going to school and keeping on track! And that is truly wonderful! I am blessed with great kids!

I was recently talking to a friend and we discussed just not feeling that sense of belonging in any aspect of life. I thought about that a lot because I have spent quite a bit of time in my life feeling that I just don't fit in. Sometimes now I just feel so awkward in certain situations and it really makes me just want to disappear.

So I go to church today and the sermon is about adultery. Great message if you are married. I couldn't handle it, I just couldn't. I felt like an outcast yet again. Like going to a concert and realizing that you don't have a ticket, or like being late to the opera or theatre and finding the doors locked realizing that are not going to get in no matter what you do. Suddenly, feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency were raging and the fear of not fitting in or being good enough took over! It just doesn't apply to me. Now I know that I may very well just be whining here and that teaching on adultery and the damages that it causes are truly necessary in this society, but this is my blog and I can express my feelings here in an open and real way in hopes that somehow Christ will shine through and bring the hope that we all need. I know I need hope! I think I just don't understand how someone who is so blessed to have a spouse could be so naive as to commit adultery. Here I am a single woman who dearly desires a deep meaningful relationship where she can be as in Genesis 2:25, not afraid to be vulnerable with one another and completely trust and rely upon each other, then I see people that take that for granted. It's kinda hard to swallow! So today...I choked on it!

I am moved to tears wondering how anyone could think so insignificantly of their spouse. I have been observing the people around me as of late and in my conversations with the Lord, which are kinda one sided at this point, me questioning and not really getting answers. More like me free thinking with God and He's just listening, with me but just listening. I know perfect husband right! Lol!! Anyway, at my age most of my friends are married so this allows me the chance to just see how married relationships can be different with different people. I have heard so many stories and you know just to be honest I DON'T GET IT!! I have to stop here and say that I am NOT judging in anyway! We all are flawed human beings and I am the foremost of being flawed, really I am! I am just trying to understand things in this world. I have heard so many stories of husbands and wives treating each other with such disdain and it really amazes me. I mean whatever happened to that whole "treat others as you would like to be treated" thing? I see wives treating their husbands like children, trying to control them and really choking the life out of the relationship. Then I see husbands do things intentionally to start arguments or just emotionally disconnecting and then abandoning the situation all together. Maybe I sound like an immature child here but I just don't understand nor do I wanna be part of all that. On one hand it makes me think, "Well perhaps that is why I am still single? I'm not mean enough!" Or maybe,...perhaps I have too high of expectations?? Yeah I expect men to be able to handle money responsibly! No I'm not a subscriber of giving my husband an allowance. I mean, is it just me or is that crazy? Do I expect men to be men? Yes! Do I want to change that? No, I mean isn't that why women love men, because they are men? Maybe I'm too passive, but ugh, who wants to nag? I mean really, does anyone really enjoy being that way? I sure don't! Gross! We are all humans and able to think for ourselves, and I guess I expect people to do just that. I should probably stop there.

So there you have it! The answer to why of my singleness,...I just don't fit in there either! I can't seem to follow the modern rules of dating let alone what I have seen in marriage as the norm of relationship functionality. That and the fact that, every good and perfect gift comes from His hand and nothing comes but by His hand. Ha! There's another subject.

I have been practicing the song, "how He loves" by David Crowder and the very first line is a big struggle for me. It is: He is jealous for me. Why I struggle with that is because with my askewed view of God, I have it in my mind that He is not willing to share, not willing to allow me to have the relationship that I desire because it will take away from Him. It naturally happens that way when you add someone to your life, especially a person who you may be falling in love with and think there may be a romantic future with, you want to spend time with them to find out. And yes I know that this idea I have of God is not at all biblical or in correct alignment with who God really is and has shown Himself to be. But I have to go back to C.S. Lewis's depiction of Aslan the lion and how He is not a tame lion, He is not safe! Ultimately, I believe the ideal is to have both God and a man in my life who will constantly point me back to Jesus as I aspire to do the same for him. Sounds impossible right? Yeah, I know! Guess I don't have any choice, I mean we pray prayers and ask for things but what is really best for us? Can I possibly know? When I ask for things like when I asked Him to fix my failed marriage and He blatantly said, "No, I did not put all that effort into you to let this man squash it!" How do I know what is best for me? His ways are not my own, (sigh) but I guess I do believe that He will do what is best for me even if it is not necessarily what I want.

Blah, blah, blah, I've just keep going on and ranting and whining and complaining, so if you actually read this, sorry. Daddy, I ask you to only let Yourself remain.

Here's that song by Kendall Payne-Aslan

this is the only video I found, this girl is pretty good!

On a humorous note:

When things get difficult for me I have a bad habit of saying, "I just wanna jump off a bridge!" and I found myself saying that this week and it has been a while since I have felt that way. Let me stop and say, I am NOT suicidal! There is just something about letting go that is associated with that comment. It is like when I went skydiving, a liberating free fall! Or just that doing of something, dangerous that is totally impossible to control or be responsible for, you're just along for the ride. I had to laugh yesterday when someone, who had not know this about me and the bridges comment, proceeded to tell me exactly how I could go about jumping off a certain local bridge! I was asked if that was on my bucket list and my response is...it should be! Lol!!

How He Loves Me- Enough to totally Wreck me!

Today is the first day of a new walk of faith for me. I have been chasing a future that was my will and now I have decided to take and make the time for my beloved God. To abide in His presence and seek his face, are what concerns me today! In rest and repentance is your salvation, is my new place. Have you ever totally shocked yourself by your own bad behavior? I have become increasingly appalled at myself in certain situations and especially my attitude concerning the Lord's beloved around me! I found myself saying, "Wow, Lori you used to be so much nicer than you are now! What happened?" Whereas I'm not exactly sure, I believe it has something to do with my getting away from submitting to His will for my life. I guess a year ago when I got divorced, I got mad and I took things into my own hands and determined that I would be the decider of my fate! Wow, how stupid to think that I could handle such a task! The year has been full of struggles and stress, anxiety and hurt, fear and disappointment! I certainly can not say that I was experiencing joy or abundant living, day to day!

So that is where I am at! Not doing, but trying to remember how to "be" in Him! Surrendering and constantly begging Him to do this "life thing" for me and carry me through. Terribly ashamed at how He has been doing that all along and I have struggled the entire time to try to get out of his loving hands, and how I have totally ignored him. Repentance and rest!

I had the most amazing worship time today to the above song! Got the chords and God is allowing me or affording me the opportunity to learn it and let my heart and spirit commune with Him, and realize a small part of just how much He Loves Me! He is wrecking me and it is awesome! Thanks Daddy! Te quiero!

Breathe the free air!

I was seeking the Lord in a big way today in my devotional time. I have really struggled with the direction of my life and will probably continue to do so, but today I feel like I got some answer to prayer! I asked God to help me open my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to obey the direction that he desires me to go. I constantly struggle with the distractions of this world.
I was reading my favorite devotional and this is what I gleaned:

Fling aside your fears-Come Away my Beloved by Roberts

...For when you are utterly finished,
and exhausted in your struggling;
when you have come to the end of all your striving;
when you are ready to abandon your intellectual pursuit,..

Cast aside your questionings.

For in the moment you relinquish all-
in that same moment you shall know release.
For you shall be free of yourself
and shall be captive of My love.

My arms shall gather you, and I shall never let you go!

I have been reminded, lately, of the movie the Two Towers and how the King of Rohan was possessed by evil and after Gandalf the white freed him, he tells the King to breathe the free air!
Today, I believe I have begun to breathe the free air!

The Only Exception!

Part of me wishes that I could be like this song says; “content with loneliness” but we both know how I am! The other part of me would never allow it! I have seen so much heart ache and heart break, and I have experienced loss, firsthand on so many levels in my time. Sometimes I wonder what in the world! I mean I am only thirty-five years old and have experienced so much pain; it makes me almost not want to know what is to come!

I’m thinking that I must have been silly enough to pray some prayer along the way that said something like Paul in the New Testament where he said he had learned to be content in his life in times of lack and times of plenty, and that he became all things to all people (Lori paraphrase). You know someone should really warn Christians to really think before you pray because He will take you seriously! God does not fool around with requests such as these!

All kidding aside, He is a good God but boy isn’t He jealous! I mean here I am a single mom of four and struggling because this is a HEAVY load that is not exactly meant for one person! I have a deep desire for a mate for so many reasons: to share the image of love that God himself bestows upon his bride the church, to enjoy that intimacy that comes from knowing someone (as in genesis, really knowing a person), to grow with, live, laugh and love the world with; but also, to help carry this load. You know burdens halved, joys doubled! I long to be held and to actually be able to rely on someone, to lean on someone, to share a like minded dream, and actually trust that man. So here I am looking for just that, someone and wouldn’t you know it, God steps in, and things get,...well,...challenging! I’m not sure, but I imagine it is probably like a parent thinking that no one is good enough for their child. I know there are no perfect people out there; I mean I’m not, so how can I look for someone who is? Well, there is the misinterpretation is, not perfect but perfect for me. Am I too loving, too giving, too sacrificial?

One friend reminded me that I should present my requests to the Lord and rest in the fact that in His time things will be perfect. So I did, I presented my list of what I would like in a mate to my Abba last night. I had to laugh when he commented, “Are you done yet?” to which I replied, “just one more page!” I am so glad my Father in Heaven has such a great sense of humor and is looking out for me! I believe that He has planned to bless me in an amazingly, perfect for me, relationship someday when His timing is right. Until then, He is my only exception!

Although, God in reference to moving my family, it sure would be nice to have a man around! I’m just saying! ;)

Blessings!

Poem 7/13/2010

Daddy let it rain today
and let them know I feel this way.

Broken pieces on the floor
Where my heart was whole before

Shattered door and bended hope,
with heartache, I now do cope.

Take it slow and careful from the start.
I fall too quickly and give my heart.

Tried to be smart, tried to be wise,
Was it in mine or your eyes?

I chose to trust again, ... to believe
in something wonderful, my mind can't see.

Shrouded by fear, entrenched in doubt
The past has proven what this is about.

Siting in silence, pondering the pain
Wondering if, ...today it will rain?

New hurt brings back an old familiar wound,
For you, perhaps it was too soon.

My quiet heart loves and on my sleeve does lay,
For fear or some reason I have lost today.

With eyes stinging and blurred by the pain,
"Daddy,...please let it rain."

So they won't see, the tears fall down...
Let your healing rain mend my broken heart,
without
a
sound.

Celebrating Freedom!

Last night we attended the splendid and fabulous display of fireworks that took place at the Pensacola Beach pier. Fireworks are an amazing thing! One one hand they are extremely dangerous explosives and on the other they are awe-some enough to demand quite a bit of praise from the audiences. It became amazing to me that when the largest of the fireworks was first set off, the quiet of the onlookers was quickly dispelled with great shouts and an eruption of cheering! Lighting up the night sky with such ferocity, the crowd grew more and more exuberant with each boom!

I couldn't help but to be introspective during this display because I have been seeking directions and not sure if the reasoning for my neglecting certain directions was legit or just fear driven. There are so many demands upon our lives here in this world and where priorities lie have been a great source of challenge for me. For this moment though, with my daughter sitting in my lap and sitting still I realized that I knew the answer to my question and that fear had become such a driving force in my life. I realized that at that moment, sitting on the beach with my kids was exactly where God wanted me and He met me there!

I thought about how my life was becoming quite mediocre and that perhaps I had traded the wonderful adventure for the predictability of familiarity! I also realized that I am a person whom will never be satisfied with the idea of a mediocre life, meaning I was created for a purpose and anything else would be simply not good enough! Of course the moment I start down this path towards dreaming and believing again, the doubts creep in. I am quickly reminded of the logical and practical reasoning that is not conducive to living this way. Some how, demands of life and the practicality of sight meet with the demands of the heart's desire and the spirit, and the only question is, who wins in Lori's world? I would be thought to be quite irrational if I made one decision and appear possibly stupid by others, but then there is God and what He thinks. I read a book by Francis Chan titled Crazy Love and in it he speaks of his wife's grandmother, a true Christian woman who's desire was solely for her heavenly Father. He talks about how they attended the theatre and he asked her if she was enjoying and she replied that she wasn't really enjoying it. He then asked why and she replied with saying that she couldn't stand the thought of God returning while she was sitting in the theatre! Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that we should enjoy things, I sure desire to. God did say we can have abundant life here and now; however, how abundant can life be if you are not doing what you have been designed to do?
I don't know about you, but I have the worst time figuring this out,...or do I? Am I just running? In fear? Am I fearing that God won't do what He said He would or am I fearing that He will?

All I am really wanting is the faith walk without the faith part. To have faith, tough experiences and total reliance upon God is required, who would want that? I look at my self now and compare to the faith walk I used to have and I have great reason to be alarmed, or do I? I have thought of how I used to trust God so much for so many things and now I am so much more self sufficient. This in itself can be very depressing then I am led to the words of Jesus, in Luke 22:31
"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail; and you, when once turned again, strengthen your brothers. "

I have always felt such similarities to Simon Peter in his misplaced exuberance, passion, and leaping before looking, not to mention his constantly sticking his foot in his mouth! But I have to think about the part of, when once turned again, then being able to strengthen others, and wonder, "Lord, is this what has happened with me?" I have definitely felt the sifting of ole smutty but I know that he always has to ask permission from my Abba, so there must be reasons? Character training again? Most likely!

I heard a pastor say, he heard a girl once say that God invites us to His party, it's not about us! That kinda takes the fear out of the possibility of failure.

So I was watching the fireworks with great peace then thought, about how all the people were shouting and celebrating the awesome yet dangerous fireworks and I am reminded of the Lion Aslan and how he is not a tame lion that he is awesome and yet not safe! As our God is a fierce and Holy God, due all glory and honor for his majestic splendor! Cheering for the fireworks I caught a glimpse of heaven and with a slightly melancholy heart feeling, "We should be praising you my Father!" "All this should be for you!" Thank you for the freedom you died to give! Thank you for the Spirit of Power, Love, and a Sound Mind! Thanks for throwing your party and inviting me! Love, your daughter

God is Love! And He cares about the little things that aren't quite so little after all!

Today God showed me something. He showed me that He loves me so much that he refuses to let me choke on my own bad choices. I recently needed to re-evaluate my schedule due to the fact that I had, once again, bit off more than I can chew. I have one friend who tells me the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. That is all find and well but my bites are not bites but huge colossal chomps that are too big to bite down and close your teeth let alone trying to chew. Being a single mother of four, this type of act of super heroineism is not hard to do. There is always a million things to be done which always leave me feeling inadequate. Of course I should be able to raise four children, keep a house, take care of the finances, prepare to move, file paper work for two of the four children’s college, re-evaluate my budget when the health insurance goes up, procure groceries, cook dinner, laundry, bed times, teeth brushing, etc. and also go to college full time and take way too many math courses for anyone, while expecting to get A’s. Whew! I’m tired just thinking about it! I didn’t even mention how far we are behind on the dog’s check-ups and unpacking boxes from two moves ago. But with all these things going on so that I feel like Indiana Jones, when he is running from the huge stone boulder that is hot on his tail, God surprises me in the midst of the chaos. He uses this to teach me yet again another lesson on trusting Him and how He really does care about me and will provide peace and money for the moving truck just because…He loves me.

I have started to realize that I am one of those women, you know one of THOSE women who believe they can do all of the above, while curing cancer, and leaping tall buildings in a single bound! I call it Wonder Woman syndrome. I heard it said once, “the longer you live the less you know!” How true is that? I find out the longer I am here on this planet the little I actually know about,…well, everything! I remember being a teenager and knowing literally everything, (ha ha!) or so I thought. I have spent the time since realizing how much I really do not know and how totally incapable of living this life that I am. I have had to come to terms with myself and face the fact that, I have limitations! Each day seems to present a new understanding into just what exactly it means to me human. It is a relieving journey in finding that God really does not expect what I think He does. It is a humbling journey to find out that my expectations of myself far out weigh those of the leader of the universes!

My life is not easy to begin with, and I know we all have our challenges in life, He never said it would be easy. But I do not believe that His desire is for us to be totally miserable because we are working so hard all the time. I believe that just as much in the times of work and duty God is involved, but also in our play and relaxation He is in the midst of us, smiling and laughing right along. After all, who invented the idea or concept of fun? Wasn’t it God Himself? If everything that was made was made through Him, and every good and perfect gift comes from Him, then that includes play and rest doesn’t it? I love to create pottery or ceramics. I also love to paint with acrylics, draw, and play my guitar ; however, with my wonder woman schedule I have not had time to do those things that feed my soul the most. I absolutely love writing this blog too! Now I will have the time I need to do what I need to do! I have been reading Leviticus lately, praying to make it through, and one thing I notice is that God is precise! He directs the nation of Israel on what to do in every situation, sickness, sin, normal everyday bodily functions. He gives exact instructions, step by step on how to handle everything. God really never wastes anything. He uses every little part to teach us just who He is and as we look closer and closer into the eyes of love, our eyes grow wide with wonder.

So I had to write how God changed my schedule today and blessed me as a result of that change. Not only did He convey that He has no desire for me to work myself to death, but He also loves me enough to make sure I have what I need. I learned that I don’t have to join the rat race, as some call it. I am on His journey and He is more concerned about what I need than I am. He also knows me better than I know myself. That whole life and having it more abundantly, that He speaks about in John’s gospel, that can be had here and now, this day is the day to choose whom you will serve!

I am humbled and amazed at His grace once again.

Everybodyduck - Pour Out My Heart (Audio Only)

Struggling in the Light!

Have you ever wondered what you purpose in this life is? Have you ever figured it out, or so you think, only to be confused again momentarily? This seems to be the pattern for my life right now. I just think that I figure out a direction in my life and get so excited that I have finally chosen the direction that will bring fulfillment and contentment. Then in on comment, one song, one obscure conversation with a friend, something changes and I am at a loss once again. Tossed around like a ship in rough seas with no view of land in sight, thinking that if I go in the wrong direction I may not survive or worse yet I may just run aground.

How I long for a simple directive a, “go here and do that” kind of instruction, instead of bouncing back and forth like a pinball.


I was chatting with a friend recently and she commented on how there is a great desire within her to find out what instrument was her part in the grand orchestra so as to practice and be able to play her part. I responded with the comment, “We all do that but I think the symphony happens along the way!”


Today my thoughts took me to a place of unbelief. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that in certain areas of my life I am not trusting God. Perhaps part of me gave up somewhere along the way because the road got too difficult to endure, so I took a side road. Ever done that? To be quite honest all the losses and grief of the past six years has really done a number on me. God had been faithful and brought me through unbelievable adversities; yet, I stopped trusting Him somewhere along the way. I stopped trusting that he really cares about my heart when it is breaking or has been broken. I resolved that He was only concerned with my character which is wonderful and to be of good character is of prime importance, but being a woman, a single woman. Who has been widowed and abandoned on numerous occasions, and who is raising four children on her own, having to make all the decisions and walk it all out in strength when she’d like to just crumble on the floor... That woman, needs the Creator of the Universe, Who said He would be all that she would ever need,.. to care about her heart, and she really needs to feel it!
I also stopped believing that He would use me. I started believing the lie that I was too messed up and there were a million other people who are better equipped for what He had asked me to do. I started to believe that I am just another mess up, who is ruining things once again. I started thinking that it was time to grow up and stop believing in things like, “following your dreams,” because for me they just weren’t coming true. I started thinking that I needed to be more practical because practical pays the bills and dreaming doesn’t! You know that childlike faith,…gone.

This thinking brought me to a stagnant place where I was like that ship, run aground. I just didn’t know it. Confused, alone, disappointed at the way my life had turned out, and not wanting to believe for fear of having hopes dashed once again. I became once again bored with life and my choices. I guess underneath I have known that I am running from the thing. I have admitted it before, know it is true, but something inside of me is petrified and unwilling to speak life into it. It may be because all my younger years I was told how stupid I was and that I could not make a decision and I just didn’t want to make a decision that was not based upon logic. I guess with my statistical brain it says, “there is a higher percentage of failure when you don’t base you decisions upon fact!”

I struggled and struggled to do what seemed to be the logical “right” thing to do. I went in one direction, not happy not fulfilled. I went another direction, same result. I went back, same. I even tried another direction and the same un-fulfillment is occurring again. It is like the glass funhouse I went into with my dad when I was a little girl.

Everything is clear so you can’t see which way is the right path, so you just walk forward till you run into something. This is all well and fine till you hit so many walls that fear kicks in and you believe you will be there forever! What to do next? For me a girl, fall down and cry out for my Daddy to come get me out of what is for me, alone, an insurmountable task. Feeling that same sort of desperation and inadequacy, something whispers, “well you’ll never know because you can’t seem to actually stick with something long enough to finish it!” Which leaves me feeling worthless again, lost and confused, falling down crying for my Daddy.

Then God,…

Started showing me in ways that He does care about my heart but also cares about the hearts of others and His timing is best. He had continued to show me people, whom I did not even know, to whom He ministered through me (and most times I had no idea!) I received a precious message from a woman whose life had done a 180 since we had met. She had struggled with an addiction and had been free of it for over 2 years. She told me that I was a big part of the reason why. How humbling that was for me. God loved her through me and I was a mess! I was a mess then just trying to keep my head above water dealing with multiple losses and I am a mess now finding out that God would choose me as His vessel by which to help her. I mean, who am I? There have been others who God has pointed out that He has worked through me for them.

So now I sit here, in my confusion longing for God to make sense of it all then in worship this song comes: Pour out my Heart (*see next post)

Through a series of sermons the messages seem to be saying to me that I need to stop worrying about what I was created to do and just focus on who I was created to be. But then I think of the details and He says, "You will not fail because I called you to it!" In the devotional My Utmost for His Highest, Chambers writes, "Remember God's say-so, 'I will in no way fail you.'" If He is so confident and made all these promises like: "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do His good pleasure." and , " I will never leave you nor forsake you." Then WHY am I shaking in my boots? (so to speak, I'm not wearing boots!)

I have been confused by what things I am doing. Should I go for this degree or that one? Is this degree my will or God's? Am I just, once again running? The other day I read this:

and we must he ...if we are going to choose what He does not want, He will check,ed. Whenever there is doubt, stop at once. Never reason it out and say-"I wonder why I shouldn't?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He guides our common sense, and we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually saying-"Now, Lord, what is Thy will?"

It seemes pretty basic, if in doubt, don't. Why don't I remember that? Why do I reason?

Why don't I trust more fully and completely? My life is in His hands, so why do I live with the mindset that it is not? In Romans 7 Paul talkes about not doing what he wanted to do and continuing to do what he didn't want to do. I can relate to that!

God says, "Lori trust me, with it all and I will make my will known to you and you will no longer move haltingly, you shall move swiftly and surely."

Oh I so long for moving surely! Speak to your child, I am listening, now!

It's been a long time!

A friend recently told me that she noticed that I had not blogged in a while. She reminded me of how much I really enjoyed my writing and how I always believed it to be therapeutic; however, that has some how gotten out of place.

I have been going over and over the phraseology of the glass. Is you glass half full? or half empty? It is a matter of perspective and there is always another way of looking at things. I think the understanding or thought pattern that I arrived at was as follows. If the glass is half empty then isn't there a focus on what you don't have or what is lacking in your life? This tends to bring about a sense of neediness in a person. When we are focused on what we don't have it can cause bitterness, anger, and strife. If, on the other hand, our perspective is that the glass is half full, then we tend to focus on what we do have. It promotes a sense of gratitude and thankfulness for the blessings that we have in our life.
It's a tough life out there! We never know what is coming around the corner, be it hardship or calm seas, whether it is tragedy or triumph, there are certain things that are just out of our control. So we have to decide what we are going to do with those circumstances, through how we approach it in our thought life. Is there another perspective?

Life is hard! Sometimes we are dealt some real blows, and that can get us discombobulated and turned about, but we can gain our "glass half full" mentality back if we simply, 'take every thought captive'!! Think about it!