Struggling in the Light!

Have you ever wondered what you purpose in this life is? Have you ever figured it out, or so you think, only to be confused again momentarily? This seems to be the pattern for my life right now. I just think that I figure out a direction in my life and get so excited that I have finally chosen the direction that will bring fulfillment and contentment. Then in on comment, one song, one obscure conversation with a friend, something changes and I am at a loss once again. Tossed around like a ship in rough seas with no view of land in sight, thinking that if I go in the wrong direction I may not survive or worse yet I may just run aground.

How I long for a simple directive a, “go here and do that” kind of instruction, instead of bouncing back and forth like a pinball.


I was chatting with a friend recently and she commented on how there is a great desire within her to find out what instrument was her part in the grand orchestra so as to practice and be able to play her part. I responded with the comment, “We all do that but I think the symphony happens along the way!”


Today my thoughts took me to a place of unbelief. I am quickly coming to the conclusion that in certain areas of my life I am not trusting God. Perhaps part of me gave up somewhere along the way because the road got too difficult to endure, so I took a side road. Ever done that? To be quite honest all the losses and grief of the past six years has really done a number on me. God had been faithful and brought me through unbelievable adversities; yet, I stopped trusting Him somewhere along the way. I stopped trusting that he really cares about my heart when it is breaking or has been broken. I resolved that He was only concerned with my character which is wonderful and to be of good character is of prime importance, but being a woman, a single woman. Who has been widowed and abandoned on numerous occasions, and who is raising four children on her own, having to make all the decisions and walk it all out in strength when she’d like to just crumble on the floor... That woman, needs the Creator of the Universe, Who said He would be all that she would ever need,.. to care about her heart, and she really needs to feel it!
I also stopped believing that He would use me. I started believing the lie that I was too messed up and there were a million other people who are better equipped for what He had asked me to do. I started to believe that I am just another mess up, who is ruining things once again. I started thinking that it was time to grow up and stop believing in things like, “following your dreams,” because for me they just weren’t coming true. I started thinking that I needed to be more practical because practical pays the bills and dreaming doesn’t! You know that childlike faith,…gone.

This thinking brought me to a stagnant place where I was like that ship, run aground. I just didn’t know it. Confused, alone, disappointed at the way my life had turned out, and not wanting to believe for fear of having hopes dashed once again. I became once again bored with life and my choices. I guess underneath I have known that I am running from the thing. I have admitted it before, know it is true, but something inside of me is petrified and unwilling to speak life into it. It may be because all my younger years I was told how stupid I was and that I could not make a decision and I just didn’t want to make a decision that was not based upon logic. I guess with my statistical brain it says, “there is a higher percentage of failure when you don’t base you decisions upon fact!”

I struggled and struggled to do what seemed to be the logical “right” thing to do. I went in one direction, not happy not fulfilled. I went another direction, same result. I went back, same. I even tried another direction and the same un-fulfillment is occurring again. It is like the glass funhouse I went into with my dad when I was a little girl.

Everything is clear so you can’t see which way is the right path, so you just walk forward till you run into something. This is all well and fine till you hit so many walls that fear kicks in and you believe you will be there forever! What to do next? For me a girl, fall down and cry out for my Daddy to come get me out of what is for me, alone, an insurmountable task. Feeling that same sort of desperation and inadequacy, something whispers, “well you’ll never know because you can’t seem to actually stick with something long enough to finish it!” Which leaves me feeling worthless again, lost and confused, falling down crying for my Daddy.

Then God,…

Started showing me in ways that He does care about my heart but also cares about the hearts of others and His timing is best. He had continued to show me people, whom I did not even know, to whom He ministered through me (and most times I had no idea!) I received a precious message from a woman whose life had done a 180 since we had met. She had struggled with an addiction and had been free of it for over 2 years. She told me that I was a big part of the reason why. How humbling that was for me. God loved her through me and I was a mess! I was a mess then just trying to keep my head above water dealing with multiple losses and I am a mess now finding out that God would choose me as His vessel by which to help her. I mean, who am I? There have been others who God has pointed out that He has worked through me for them.

So now I sit here, in my confusion longing for God to make sense of it all then in worship this song comes: Pour out my Heart (*see next post)

Through a series of sermons the messages seem to be saying to me that I need to stop worrying about what I was created to do and just focus on who I was created to be. But then I think of the details and He says, "You will not fail because I called you to it!" In the devotional My Utmost for His Highest, Chambers writes, "Remember God's say-so, 'I will in no way fail you.'" If He is so confident and made all these promises like: "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do His good pleasure." and , " I will never leave you nor forsake you." Then WHY am I shaking in my boots? (so to speak, I'm not wearing boots!)

I have been confused by what things I am doing. Should I go for this degree or that one? Is this degree my will or God's? Am I just, once again running? The other day I read this:

and we must he ...if we are going to choose what He does not want, He will check,ed. Whenever there is doubt, stop at once. Never reason it out and say-"I wonder why I shouldn't?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He guides our common sense, and we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually saying-"Now, Lord, what is Thy will?"

It seemes pretty basic, if in doubt, don't. Why don't I remember that? Why do I reason?

Why don't I trust more fully and completely? My life is in His hands, so why do I live with the mindset that it is not? In Romans 7 Paul talkes about not doing what he wanted to do and continuing to do what he didn't want to do. I can relate to that!

God says, "Lori trust me, with it all and I will make my will known to you and you will no longer move haltingly, you shall move swiftly and surely."

Oh I so long for moving surely! Speak to your child, I am listening, now!