Lost something along the way...?

Have you ever had a time in your life when you lost something? Something that was crucial for living life? I'm not talking about your comb, favorite CD, or even your wallet, but some precious belief in the way you think or understand the world around you? Have you ever lost things like faith, hope, or love?

I have been reading a book lately called Reaching out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I have only begun the book but have already found treasures that have leapt off the page and dove into my heart and mind, planning to stay. It has been tremendously enriching and I am only 30 pages into the book! I was not sure that I should even pick up a book right now being that it is the beginning of another fall semester of college but I really just can not put it down! Right now it is the proverbial water for the thirsty soul.

In reading this book it has awakened a sense of self discovery within me and encouraged me to write again. I had a tremendous flounder earlier this year with making a new blog and proclamation of what I was going to do over the course of a year, only to have it be one of the biggest challenges and I have yet to really sort it out in my mind. Regardless, I was reading last night and to be honest it has been a while since I have felt the impression of God pointing out something in my life that needed attention, but that is what happened. Maybe He was being gracious or patient with me, knowing that bringing this to my attention would create a great awareness of my spiritual state and with it a demand for change, change in the form of pain and humility.

Coming to terms with one's self can be a scary and daunting task! Taking an honest look at flaws and inadequacies is something that most people avoid like the plague and I have not only avoided these as of the last few months but I have been running the opposite direction, deliberately!

Have you ever ran smack dab into a wall? Everything seems to be going your way, keyword here is seems, and then all of a sudden, "BAM!" out of no where...brick wall! Ever been there? I used to be there often, because there were a lot of things that could render me to a mess quite easily, but since I have learned to run away from those things that hurt, I haven't had as many encounters with such walls, which explains my shock when yesterday I ran into one! But God was going to use that wall in a big way!

So I was talking about losing something that was crucial to life, well last night I was reading in the book and there really was not any sentence or concept that got my mind to thinking so it must have been God who posed that question to me:

"You don't believe that prayer works anymore do you Lori?"
"Ever since you lost Dan you just don't believe anymore do you?"

Well, it stopped me dead in my tracks and I really thought about it. I thought of how I prayed and prayed for a miracle and it didn't turn out the way that I wanted and how something in that area of my heart had died. The part that held hope for the future of doing and experiencing great and mighty things, belief that God's desire is to WOW me and that He really does want what is best for me. The part where I pray and ask God for just exactly what I want and with great expectancy anticipate His fulfillment of that request. It's...dead, gone, not there anymore.

So what happened? I don't know exactly. I could say it was the disappointment of Daniel's death, or the death of my subsequent marriage, the unfulfillment of my life's direction and desires to be fulfilled. I could say it perhaps, is due to the understanding that God is sovereign and knows both what is best for me and what is yet to come, so what exactly should I pray for?? Obviously I do not know what is best for me or what the future holds. As a matter of fact, there is really very little that I do know or understand about God! A pastor friend of mine once told me that that was the right place to be, to understand less and less about God, the longer that you walk with Him! I guess that is because we are on this incomprehensible journey to try to learn more about an infinite God and who He had designed us to be. Maybe that should be the definition of insanity, just kidding, but it does seem a bit odd doesn't it? A little overwhelming, and exhausting to me.

So this is where I am at, I finally decided what I want to do with my education and found out that it is probably impossible, so I will be forced to go a route that I really did not want to go but it is quite possibly the only option. So I ask you is this God challenging me to ask for a miracle, for Him to make a way and rebuild or rebirth the dead part of me that prays and sees prayers answered? Or is it God's way of steering me in the direction that is best for me? You can clearly see where one way calls for prayer and the other surrender. I suppose they both call for prayer but I desire great and marvelous things. Is that really too much to ask? After living on this planet and all the disappointments that come, it is no wonder why people give up! Is that what I have done? Resigned to living a relatively boring and mundane life, where God is just a puppeteer and I am the marionette? (Sigh) I don't think so.

So here I am, not having a whole lot of confidence in prayer. Oh don't worry, I can believe and pray for miracles, healing, and blessings for you, just not for me. I guess I am the proverbial Jabez, whose name means pain or affliction, who believed for the blessing for all Israel but not for himself. In a way I look pretty arrogant don't I? Hmmmm,......I will think more on it. My faith in who God is is strong, I guess I'm just hung up somewhere between will, needing humility, and surrender, that's where the pain part comes in. I guess that's not too bad of a place to be?
Jesus is the giver of life so perhaps His plan is to bring this part of Lori back to life and living again.

Thanks for reading, ups and downs, you get em all!

Blessings, Lori