Lessons from Breaking the Fast.

Yesterday was the end of a 21 day Daniel Fast that our church participated in with a bunch of other churches around the nation. I just wanted to share some of the thought that I have had that pertain to my experience with this fast.


It was my first time doing a church wide purpose filled fast like this one. The object of this Daniel fast was for spiritual break through, increased intimacy, among other various reasons. Some people used this time of fasting and prayer for physical healing or breaking of strong holds. My reason was the spiritual break through, increased intimacy, and breaking of strongholds. I also, of course, was praying for reconciliation and restoration of my marriage.



I have to say that this was the absolutely most difficult fast I had ever experienced. Prior to starting the fast I was contemplating not doing it just because of all the turmoil that I have been experiencing with the unwanted divorce I am undergoing, but I felt driven towards God in a deeper way, in hopes of something, anything from my seemingly silent Savior. I don't believe that I got what I was after in the fast; in fact I got something all together different.

I wanted spiritual break through to be rid of this seeming space between God and I. I felt that I had been left to experience this terrible trial all alone. I couldn't understand why I was experiencing this lostness. I would like to say these feelings lifted or were dashed during the fast but they weren't, if anything they intensified! I felt that all I could see was my own sin, and boy it was nasty! For the entire three weeks I battled depression, anxiety, powerlessness, defeat, anger and destruction. Every day was devastating, and that was just when I opened my eyes in the morning and found myself once again in this nightmarish situation. I cried, I pleaded, I begged God to make it all stop, but it didn't!

I wanted increased intimacy with God. I have been in tough times before and I knew that if I could just cultivate an intimate relationship with God, I could make it through. I have experienced the deep pain of loosing my beloved husband to cancer, when I was only 29. And ever since then I have raised my four children through loosing multiple family members, knowing that the sweet intimacy was carrying me through. I knew I needed to feel God close to survive this battle. And I would like to say that happened, but... it didn't. In fact I have never felt God so far and never experienced his silence like I have in the last three weeks. I doubted more times than I can count, then condemned myself for it. I constantly questioned and blamed God for allowing this agony to invade my life. I was mad because I knew what the word said about my circumstances and how God hated divorce but life was not lining up with His word! I got frustrated in waiting for God to bring vindication to the wrongs against me. I came too close to just walking away from it all, but praise God that didn't happen! I hated myself and wasn't real sure about God either!
I desired restoration of my marriage and simply agonized over the fact that I am being forced into something that I hate. I prayed the word and worked hard to forgive my husband for abandoning me and the children. I started praying blessings upon him(when I wasn't busy cursing him). I held to my convictions and the sacredness of my marriage vows. I would ask, "How could this happen?" and more so, "How could this happen to me? After all I have been through already? Why God?"(no answer). I felt huge hatred for the fact that I was going to get a divorce and I had no say in it whatsoever! I felt disgust for how I had been deceived by someone I trusted. I cant express the emotions that I have undergone on this journey thus far and yet, I pleaded for restoration, and once again, that hasn't happened either.

At this point I'm sure you are asking yourself, " What in the world did this girl fast for?" Well, to be honest it didn't seem like anything positive or profitable occurred during this fast. Seem anyway!

Well, I did have quite a time one weekend, where I almost went off the deep end as I call it. I came to the point of desperation. I was literally at the end of my rope and loosing my grip fast. I was supposed to go to a friends 50Th birthday party, and tie up some loose ends but instead something else added to my stress and pushed me past the breaking point. I felt that I had to get away with God, or I was not going to survive another night.

So I went to the beach and spent a night seeking Him. He brought me to the point of realizing that I had been irreverent in my blaming Him for my unbearable circumstances. I repented and wept but that was all that happened. No great relief felt, no joy restored, still angry as ever, just a little quieter and more careful about it.
I would not be honest if I said I knew what the purpose of the fast was or what I did receive out of it. But I will tell you what happened today and the thoughts leading up to it. You see I had been growing impatient with the fast and wanting it to be over, and as the end drew near I thought of how deprived I felt during the fast and how alone I felt and restricted. Then I thought of how great it will be when I am no longer deprived and restricted, living in the land of freedom! Ahhh, God declared all things lawful... milk and honey again! Coffee! Woohoo! I thought of how great that was going to feel to walk it total freedom and eat what I chose to eat and know that I could eat it all in one day if I wanted! I could compare the fast time to living in the darkness, lost, apart from fellowship from God and because of being apart from God it meant living in restriction, without the blessing that comes from that fellowship, without the identity that comes from being His child, without the very life of Christ and the empowerment therefore, entailed. It was an illustration of a life that is willing to live without God. And then breaking the fast was like breaking the stronghold and power of sin and death. Now entering into an abundant life of freedom and power as child of the most high God, and all the identity and inheritance included. It was quite an analogy, in my mind, but again just thoughts, exciting ones but just thoughts. I was excited because is seemed like a revelation and a coming to understand the life in Christ and that we have the option of choosing to live without Him and His power in our lives. God says in His word that we receive not because we ask not. We ask not because we doubt His ability, His identity, and we are just plainly willing to live without Him! I just can't live in that place. He is just not God if He doesn't line up with who He has portrayed Himself to be in the word. His identity is crucial in order for me to know my identity, because it is wrapped up in Him.


So today I got up and drank a half a cup of coffee and almost felt criminal in doing so. I had thoughts like, "Is this really okay?," and, "Do I really want to get hooked on caffeine again? Maybe it's wrong?" "Maybe I shouldn't?" But I did and it was no big deal, so I went on with my day. Got to church and the worship was great, but it usually is great! That is why I go to church there! LOL One song took me back to times of worshipping with my Daniel playing the piano, "We fall down," great song. Anyway the sermon was about David and Goliath and being a hero. You know at this point I just want to survive, not be a hero. But certain things were said during the sermon that really hit me, and...I began to weep. Have you ever wept during a sermon? I have and it is usually when God is doing some great heart work! I had been struggling with the silence of God and it was unbearable so I remembered hearing that if God is quiet go back to the last thing he told you to do and make sure you did it. I started thinking of what God wants me to do and to be honest I have lately been going back and forth about what He wants me to do with some amount of uncertainty, but today I was hit with a reminder of what He has instructed me to do, which I am not doing right now nor taking steps towards. I have always known but I am afraid because His plan is much bigger than I can grasp or see a feasible path to. It is just plain scary to think that God has called me to full time ministry, to preach His gospel. I am just such an unworthy and unlikely person for the task, I don't understand it. I admit it today that I am called to do this but I am so scared because it seems so impossible, and impractical for my life. But It is what I have been created to do, I really, really know it! With all my heart I know it! So I have to step out into the Jordan river and expect there to be dry ground there to meet me.

I have to tell you in the process of today, something happened! I believe God removed a seed of bitterness that started to take root in my heart. All I know is that something isn't there that was there before. That sharp pain in my chest that would twinge with every thought of my current circumstances, is gone. There was a harshness in my heart that has gone as well. I cant accurately describe it but in my next post I will attempt. So I didn't receive anything from the time of fasting till the end or did I?

I think I got a really good reminder of who I am without Him. I have to remember those who the Lord loves He disciplines, including me. So what is God telling me? Well I sold both myself and Him short in what I thought was possible for my life. He reminds me that He has a much bigger plan, that includes Him "wow-ing" me, and my response is simply to marvel at Him! YES! I just love that! I'm pretty sure He does too!