Can it be??

Last night I attended a woman's night of worship and I was really struggling with the circumstances of my life and desiring to be drawn up into the arms of my Lord and Savior. I have to admit that I really don't understand how things work. I have heard other people who are farther down this journey of life say things like, "the older I get, the more I realize, the less I know." That is so true in my life. It is kind of funny how when I was a teen I thought I knew it all and now I realize I will spend the rest of my life learning that I do not. Well the worship last night was moving and time spent in the fellowship of women who desire to touch the hem of His robe and be healed was amazing!

There standing in the midst of worship, I once again found myself bound, feeling like I had shackles on my feet, like the song. I thought, "What Lord will I be re shackled everyday with the demands of this world and it's cares?" I suppose that is what happens, I would just like to be astute enough to realize it earlier than when I get drug down and find myself, yet again, overwhelmed with my circumstances.

I prayed and cried out to God from the depths of my heart because I long to be free again. I have experience His freedom before and I can't fully describe what freedom does in my life. I know that I love me when I am free. I love God and his people when I am free. I am a vibrant expression of life when I am free and have Christ's life flowing through me! I am strong when I am weak when I am free. So my question is, "Why am I feeling bound?" and, "Where is that freedom?"

"Is it possible that because of the extremely difficult time I am having with the divorce, that it will take a certain amount of time before I will regain that freedom?" I so long for the victory and really hate this time of pain and uncertainty that I find myself in right now. I have firm foundation in Christ but this downcast sadness that I feel does not line up with who I am in Christ. I don't know I am really just thinking out loud here on this blog, so you will have to forgive me if I type something wrong, I'm just working things out. So anyway I long for the day of freedom and a restoration of Lori.

Back to the worship last night, there was a really great song called, The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe. I had been thinking about the concept of as a soon to be single person, my fulfillment being solely in Christ. I have rarely gone for long periods of time between relationships, my weakness. However, now I find myself in a tough place, for my husband left me and has sought a divorce. The reason for his actions are not biblical and very unclear as of this time. The problem is that just because man or the courts decide there is no more marriage, that doesn't make it true in God's eyes. I say all that to say that I am called by God to be patient and to seek restoration of my marriage. The only problem is that I am human! I hear single Christian's talk about how God met their every need and how He was all that they need. I have heard the saying that until God is all you need you are not ready for more. Part of my recoils at this because I like having a companion. I like being treated like a lady. I like having meaningful conversations with the one I love. I like holding hands, arms around my shoulder, and kisses. I like all of that and have missed that for five months now, but God is all I need? I don't understand? Why this desire if it is not good for me at this time? I don't want to rush my healing, but desires can be strong and I am weak. So last night this song played and I got a beautiful vision of me and the Lord. I was sitting at His feet, he provided for me out of his very own cup. I leaned against his chest and breathed a sigh of relieve because of his tender care and protection. I heard his heart beat because he was that real to me. I asked him, "Lord is that what you really want? Is it possible for us to be that close?" "Can it be like a husband and wife kind of close intimacy?" "Is it possible that you can meet these needs in me?" So here is the song and I pray that I will be able to stay in this moment, in this kind of intimacy with the Lord. That I will stay in His peace.