It's been a long time!

A friend recently told me that she noticed that I had not blogged in a while. She reminded me of how much I really enjoyed my writing and how I always believed it to be therapeutic; however, that has some how gotten out of place.

I have been going over and over the phraseology of the glass. Is you glass half full? or half empty? It is a matter of perspective and there is always another way of looking at things. I think the understanding or thought pattern that I arrived at was as follows. If the glass is half empty then isn't there a focus on what you don't have or what is lacking in your life? This tends to bring about a sense of neediness in a person. When we are focused on what we don't have it can cause bitterness, anger, and strife. If, on the other hand, our perspective is that the glass is half full, then we tend to focus on what we do have. It promotes a sense of gratitude and thankfulness for the blessings that we have in our life.
It's a tough life out there! We never know what is coming around the corner, be it hardship or calm seas, whether it is tragedy or triumph, there are certain things that are just out of our control. So we have to decide what we are going to do with those circumstances, through how we approach it in our thought life. Is there another perspective?

Life is hard! Sometimes we are dealt some real blows, and that can get us discombobulated and turned about, but we can gain our "glass half full" mentality back if we simply, 'take every thought captive'!! Think about it!

Return unto Me

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

"Return to Me; for I have sought after you, but you have continued on in pursuit of your own ways. I have called to you, but you have disregarded Me. I have placed obstacles in your path, hoping that you would stop and consider and ask of Me, but you have obstinately and determinedly forged on ahead.

Have you learned no wisdom? Have past lessons fled your mind? Are My dealings with you forgotten?

O stubborn and rebellious child, has My love no longer the power to melt your heart? Have My words that you once so treasured become of no value to you?Put down your anxieties, and trust Me for everything. You need nothing but what I am fully able to supply, with no effort on your part. I do not ask all My children to live in so complete a degree of trust, but I require it of you, because you cannot please Me with anything less.

You are weary, and you should be strong. You are encumbered, and I would have you free. You are hindered by undue concerns, when you should be abounding in joy.

Come back into My perfect will, and finish the task I have assigned you. Anything else is sin. What may be legitimate for another is not so for you.

Come close to Me, and I will minister to you and revive your spirit. So shall you go on, even though the climb is steeper than ever before." (Come Away my Beloved, F. Roberts)

Before, you used to go to this person and that, but now the notion of the Divine control is forming so powerfully in you that you go to God about it. (My Utmost, O. Chambers)

Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your family far away.

For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is lord.

The princess of Tyre will shower you with gifts.

The wealthy will beg your favor.

The bride, a princess, looks glorious in her golden gown.

In her beautiful robes, she is led to the king, accompanied by her bridesmaids.

What a joyful and enthusiastic procession as they enter the king's palace! (Psalm 45:10-15 NLT)

"What seems to you to be at present a difficult situation is all part of My planning, and I am working out the details of circumstances so that I may bless you and reveal Myself to you in a new way!" (Come Away, F. Roberts)

Seasons Change, People Change!

I was just thinking about how quickly some things change and yet how slowly others do. So many times we can compare seasons of our lives to the seasons of the earth. I believe, as my Pastor confirmed, I am in a season of Spring. When I think of Spring time I think of new life and growth, the bursting forth of a plant out of it's seed casing or the slow opening of a rose. I have a devotional I read called, "Come Away My Beloved", authored by Frances Roberts. It is my favorite devotional right now and has been for the past five years. Nothing conveys God's message of how he loves me individually as much as this book. An excerpt I want to share is a little lengthy but stick with me:

"I love you, My child-My very dear and special child. Through your childhood years I walked very close to you, and in your childlike way you were very conscious of My presence and reality. You have made an arduous journey. You have climbed many mountains that you could easily have walked around. You have not chosen the pleasant path nor sought joys though they were readily accessible."

"You have often misconstrued My will and felt that only in sacrifice and suffering could you please Me, while much of the time I have longed to deliver you out of the very pains you inflict upon yourself. You meant to please me, but in truth you were only marring your own beauty which is precious to Me."

"I cannot rejoice in a blighted rose. You have gone far enough in this way. I offer you My path now, if you are strong enough to accept it. Life, liberty, love and joy. Health and peace--simplicity and rest. It has been there for you all along. You can have it even now if you will."

"I do not want you to work for me under pressure and tension like a machine--striving to produce, produce. I only want you to live with Me as a person. I have waited for you to wear yourself out. I knew you would find it eventually--the secret of silence and rest, of solitude and of song."

"I will rebuild your strength--not to work again in foolish frenzy, but just for the sake of making you strong and well. To Me this is an end in itself. Make it your aim and join with Me wholeheartedly in the project. Many joys are waiting yet."

The parts that stand out to me the most in the above section is first the statement, "I cannot rejoice in a blighted rose." I have a visualization of me being a rose, long before I read this I had the picture in my head. I am a beautiful rose that God has been cultivating and I am just about to bloom, no longer a tightly closed bud but not yet showing it's true colors. Secondly, I love the part about, "I only want you to live with Me as a person." So many times life expects more of us, others expect more of us than we are able to give. It is okay to be human! Perhaps it is better to realize one's humanity as opposed to assuming one's deity. This way I can be me and not God, that is comforting to me.

Now I have to say that this day, that I read the above passage from the devotional, I cried. I mean what kind of God would write this to a mere human? What God would love so much? What God would accept me, would accept you just as you are, a human? What God would die to spend time with me? with you? What God?

Another issue I have been thinking about it control and how I like to be in it; however, only to realize that no one is in control. The exception,...God. I guess with my recent experience of divorce cinched it, preceded by numerous deaths including my husband Daniel. I have realized that there really is nothing that we can control in this life. We sure like to tell ourselves we do have control or even act like it, even if it means overloarding over another person in our life. But the reality is that we really have no control over others, and what they choose to do and not to do. We only have control over how we react to them and the situations and circumstances around us. I don't know about you, but for me I usually make a mess of that too. But I do think that accepting God's divine control in my life has alleviated a lot of stress in my life. I am learning that it is simply foolish to argue with my maker. As in Romans 9:20:

"No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?"

Oooops! I have done this. The phrase, "kicking against the goads," comes to mind! Uh! Well, I'm human and God knows that. I accept His divine plan for me, ask Him to control my response to people and things around me, and try to learn from Him in this great adventurous journey called. "Life."

Blessings to you on your journey!

Follow this link for the video that I wanted to go with this post!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAPTJayqd8k

A Word From The Lord!

Isaiah 54:4-10

"Fear now; you will no longer live in shame. Don't be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood.

For you Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven's Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.

For the Lord Has called you back from your grief-
as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband," says your God.

"For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back.

In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you," says the Lord, your Redeemer.

"Just as I swore in the time of Noah that I would never again let a flood cover the earth, so now I swear that I will never again be angry and punish you.

For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

Are you stuck on Calvary?

It has been a short time since my last post but I did want to go back and revisit it and continue on. I definitely want to emphasize the fact that in the relationship between obedience and grace we are only able to obey as the direct result of the grace relationship we have with God. We can only have that relationship with a holy God because of the death of Jesus on Calvary 2,000 years ago. This brings me to the questions of, "what did Jesus die for?", and, "Does he expect anything of us or are we just wrong beings?"

In looking at the first question, "What did Jesus die for?", we have to go back to the beginning in order to get where we are going. Going back to the garden of Eden, we see Adam and God in fellowship with one another, then we see the fellowship broken because of the sin of Independence. Basically doubting God's ability to know and do what is best for us. So then in the fullness of time, Jesus comes has a three year ministry and then dies an excruciating death on the cross of Calvary. Why? Because without the shedding of blood there can be no remission for sins. So Jesus shed his blood to put us in right standing again with God.

Colossians 1:20,22: and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross.

Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body.

2 Corinthians 5:19: For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people's sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.

Okay, so I get it. But if he died to save us from the power of sin and death, then what was that whole resurrection thing about? I have believed that God not only sent his son here to die the substituionary death, (that we could not bear), but also to live a new resurrected life, (that we could not earn).

I believe when Paul says in Romans 6:5:

Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was.

In John 10:10 Jesus says:

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

I believe that just as much are we set free from the bondage of sin through Christ's death on the cross we are also raised to new life through his resurrection.

2 Corinthians 5:17

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

The word there is the word from which we get the word metamorphosis that we use to describe the change that takes place within a cocoon. This is why I love butterflies so much! They are a constant reminder that I am not the same person I once was. I have changed into a totally new creature in Christ Jesus. The old Lori has passed away(died), and the new me is alive(thrives)!

Should God expect any thing from us or are we just wrong beings? Should we just accept the fact that we are human and we won't change? I say emphatically, NO! I have a book from Lifetime Guarantee Ministries that is titled, "I Was Wrong But God Made Me Right!"

The whole purpose of Jesus coming was two fold. First, It was to come and fix the broken relationship and reconcile us to God. Secondly, it was to come and fix the broken person and reconcile us to ourselves. You see God never created us to dwell in a sinful environment. That was not the plan and because of where we have been dwelling we get some pretty kooky ideas about ourselves, well, I know I do. God had to send Jesus to give us the life he had always planned for us to soar. He did not plan for us to stay in a state of self loathing and unworthiness, he planned for us to be raised up to new life and all the beauty he desires for his children. He desires to give us good things, including a new identity in Him. God's desire is that we love him because he first loved us but also, yes God planned for us to love ourselves. As part of his wonderful work and the crown of all creation, we were designed to be the pinnacle! Whew! How great is that!!

My Pastor just started a great sermon series called, "Shift". Last week he spoke on, "Stinkin' Thinkin'. He talked about basically how you can choose to listen to the so-called truth of this world or the truth of the word. This was great for me because for one, the night before I had been speaking to a girlfriend about the very same things and two, I had preached the same sermon during my time as a youth pastor. I have to say with confidence that this sermon was probably the best one on the planet last Sunday!;) I have continued to think of how I have listened to the so-called truth of this world(AKA. Satan) for my life and how that has led me to some difficulties. Whereas, if I would listen to what I know is true, the word of God, then perhaps I can avoid or forgo those difficulties. Hmmm, something to think about isn't it?

Well it is like with all the economic unrest lately, because of other things, I just decided that listening to the news about all that would be just too much for me to take. It would breed huge fear that would have pushed me over the edge I was already teetering on. So I decided to trust God and ignored it. Some may say it was naive, but I have to say I didn't get as stressed out as I saw a lot of people. So I am alright with not having experienced that fear in my life. I have to think that if we trust God with everything, it may seem a little naive to some but perhaps we will weather the storms of life better! Just a thought.

So in closing I just want to say that if you're stuck on Calvary, well that isn't a bad place to be stuck, just don't forget about resurrection day! Jesus died to save us from our sins and he rose to save us unto abundant, empowered, joyful, jump up and spin around, glorious, shout hallelujah, new life! Why did he do it of course because he is love, he loves us, Praise him, but also because he is God and he can!

Ephesians 3:20-21

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

Be blessed!

Grace vs. Obedience?

I was just returning from taking my son to get his learners permit at the local DMV, and I decided to ponder the thought of, "Grace verses Obedience". I do not consider myself an expert on this by any manner of speaking; however, with a look at the Word of God perhaps can shed some light on this controversy. I say controversy because it really seems as of late that with the current thought that are emerging within this, "ME" generation, is the understanding of grace which allows the option of living a sinful life. I have heard those who profess to be Christians say, "that is the point of grace, I can't fight my sin. So I'm not going to try, besides it is too hard to be obedient". I have heard the understanding expressed that, "I can not change therefore, God will be glorified through my continued sin." Even the comment, "I know better but I just want to do what I want to do. I want to be happy!" Hmmmm, there is something that irritates me about that, and while I don't want to come off judgemental, and have been told so by some people that I do(oh well!), there has to be truth in the word concerning grace and obedience. Does God not require obedience anymore? Are we relieved of any accountability of right doing simply because we are wrong beings and that is all that God can expect of us? Why did Jesus come to die anyway? Shall we live in this life in lethargy, void of any real hope or power to change? What ever happened to the integrity of the Christian?

Well, as far as the question, "Does God require obedience anymore?", we can look to the book of Romans chapter six. This is exactly what Paul was faced with, people who were basically seeing grace abused but with out a clear understanding had to raise the question of should we sin or obey? The chapter begins with that very question. In chapter six we read:

Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? 2 Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?

So here we see Paul addressing this in a little bit different light. Did you catch it? If you keep reading you will. The people are concerned about what they should do as in what actions they should take, again to right and wrong. Paul continues in the following verses explaining that it is no longer about what we do but rather who we are. This is no longer a performance issue but an identity issue. Paul goes on to say that we have been buried with Christ in death and risen to new life with him as well. Paul states in verse six that, we are no longer slaves to sin. We are not controlled by sin we are now controlled by the life of Christ that is in us. We were dead before not even having the desire to do right because we were slaves to sin. But now we are alive because we are slaves to Christ. I love verses 15 and 16:

Well then, since God's grace has set us free from the law, does that mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! Don't you realize that you become a slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.

Now what I find interesting is that Paul was not talking to unbelievers here, was he? This is the letter to the church in Rome isn't it? So we as believers still have the choice to make as to if we are going to become a slave to sin or a slave to Christ. It doesn't appear to me to be speaking about Salvation because in verse 14 we read:

Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God's grace.

I believe the direct result of you choosing to align yourself with Christ, is obedience. Which would also mean the opposite as true also, with those who decide to align themselves with sin the result being death. It really is not a judgemental, or hypocritical thing here it is a matter of the heart. If you choose to love and serve God then you will naturally obey him, that is written upon your heart. But those, remember we are talking about Christians here, who decide they are going to love themselves and serve their fleshly sinful desires, will grow hardened in their hearts and grow in pride and self-centeredness. It is the natural result of the choice. The hypocritical thing about it is when a Christian decides to become a slave to sin, because they have already committed themselves to Christ so they are acting the opposite of their identity. The Bible says we are, a new creation in Christ Jesus, and if we have been given a new life that is free from the power of sin and death , it would be hypocritical to continue living in a state that we have been freed from. It would be hypocritical to say that we have no power to stop sinning when we have been freed from that slavery into life. It would be hypocritical to act in opposition to your true identity, wouldn't it? It would be hypocritical to take only grace without the natural result of obedience, they are inseparable. James says in 2:26:

Just as the body is dead with out breath, so also faith is dead without good works.

The natural result or proof of faith is works. The natural result or proof of grace is obedience. If a person was able to take the grace and leave the obedience was there ever true grace held? Think about it!

To be continued...

Can it be??

Last night I attended a woman's night of worship and I was really struggling with the circumstances of my life and desiring to be drawn up into the arms of my Lord and Savior. I have to admit that I really don't understand how things work. I have heard other people who are farther down this journey of life say things like, "the older I get, the more I realize, the less I know." That is so true in my life. It is kind of funny how when I was a teen I thought I knew it all and now I realize I will spend the rest of my life learning that I do not. Well the worship last night was moving and time spent in the fellowship of women who desire to touch the hem of His robe and be healed was amazing!

There standing in the midst of worship, I once again found myself bound, feeling like I had shackles on my feet, like the song. I thought, "What Lord will I be re shackled everyday with the demands of this world and it's cares?" I suppose that is what happens, I would just like to be astute enough to realize it earlier than when I get drug down and find myself, yet again, overwhelmed with my circumstances.

I prayed and cried out to God from the depths of my heart because I long to be free again. I have experience His freedom before and I can't fully describe what freedom does in my life. I know that I love me when I am free. I love God and his people when I am free. I am a vibrant expression of life when I am free and have Christ's life flowing through me! I am strong when I am weak when I am free. So my question is, "Why am I feeling bound?" and, "Where is that freedom?"

"Is it possible that because of the extremely difficult time I am having with the divorce, that it will take a certain amount of time before I will regain that freedom?" I so long for the victory and really hate this time of pain and uncertainty that I find myself in right now. I have firm foundation in Christ but this downcast sadness that I feel does not line up with who I am in Christ. I don't know I am really just thinking out loud here on this blog, so you will have to forgive me if I type something wrong, I'm just working things out. So anyway I long for the day of freedom and a restoration of Lori.

Back to the worship last night, there was a really great song called, The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe. I had been thinking about the concept of as a soon to be single person, my fulfillment being solely in Christ. I have rarely gone for long periods of time between relationships, my weakness. However, now I find myself in a tough place, for my husband left me and has sought a divorce. The reason for his actions are not biblical and very unclear as of this time. The problem is that just because man or the courts decide there is no more marriage, that doesn't make it true in God's eyes. I say all that to say that I am called by God to be patient and to seek restoration of my marriage. The only problem is that I am human! I hear single Christian's talk about how God met their every need and how He was all that they need. I have heard the saying that until God is all you need you are not ready for more. Part of my recoils at this because I like having a companion. I like being treated like a lady. I like having meaningful conversations with the one I love. I like holding hands, arms around my shoulder, and kisses. I like all of that and have missed that for five months now, but God is all I need? I don't understand? Why this desire if it is not good for me at this time? I don't want to rush my healing, but desires can be strong and I am weak. So last night this song played and I got a beautiful vision of me and the Lord. I was sitting at His feet, he provided for me out of his very own cup. I leaned against his chest and breathed a sigh of relieve because of his tender care and protection. I heard his heart beat because he was that real to me. I asked him, "Lord is that what you really want? Is it possible for us to be that close?" "Can it be like a husband and wife kind of close intimacy?" "Is it possible that you can meet these needs in me?" So here is the song and I pray that I will be able to stay in this moment, in this kind of intimacy with the Lord. That I will stay in His peace.

Lessons from Breaking the Fast.

Yesterday was the end of a 21 day Daniel Fast that our church participated in with a bunch of other churches around the nation. I just wanted to share some of the thought that I have had that pertain to my experience with this fast.


It was my first time doing a church wide purpose filled fast like this one. The object of this Daniel fast was for spiritual break through, increased intimacy, among other various reasons. Some people used this time of fasting and prayer for physical healing or breaking of strong holds. My reason was the spiritual break through, increased intimacy, and breaking of strongholds. I also, of course, was praying for reconciliation and restoration of my marriage.



I have to say that this was the absolutely most difficult fast I had ever experienced. Prior to starting the fast I was contemplating not doing it just because of all the turmoil that I have been experiencing with the unwanted divorce I am undergoing, but I felt driven towards God in a deeper way, in hopes of something, anything from my seemingly silent Savior. I don't believe that I got what I was after in the fast; in fact I got something all together different.

I wanted spiritual break through to be rid of this seeming space between God and I. I felt that I had been left to experience this terrible trial all alone. I couldn't understand why I was experiencing this lostness. I would like to say these feelings lifted or were dashed during the fast but they weren't, if anything they intensified! I felt that all I could see was my own sin, and boy it was nasty! For the entire three weeks I battled depression, anxiety, powerlessness, defeat, anger and destruction. Every day was devastating, and that was just when I opened my eyes in the morning and found myself once again in this nightmarish situation. I cried, I pleaded, I begged God to make it all stop, but it didn't!

I wanted increased intimacy with God. I have been in tough times before and I knew that if I could just cultivate an intimate relationship with God, I could make it through. I have experienced the deep pain of loosing my beloved husband to cancer, when I was only 29. And ever since then I have raised my four children through loosing multiple family members, knowing that the sweet intimacy was carrying me through. I knew I needed to feel God close to survive this battle. And I would like to say that happened, but... it didn't. In fact I have never felt God so far and never experienced his silence like I have in the last three weeks. I doubted more times than I can count, then condemned myself for it. I constantly questioned and blamed God for allowing this agony to invade my life. I was mad because I knew what the word said about my circumstances and how God hated divorce but life was not lining up with His word! I got frustrated in waiting for God to bring vindication to the wrongs against me. I came too close to just walking away from it all, but praise God that didn't happen! I hated myself and wasn't real sure about God either!
I desired restoration of my marriage and simply agonized over the fact that I am being forced into something that I hate. I prayed the word and worked hard to forgive my husband for abandoning me and the children. I started praying blessings upon him(when I wasn't busy cursing him). I held to my convictions and the sacredness of my marriage vows. I would ask, "How could this happen?" and more so, "How could this happen to me? After all I have been through already? Why God?"(no answer). I felt huge hatred for the fact that I was going to get a divorce and I had no say in it whatsoever! I felt disgust for how I had been deceived by someone I trusted. I cant express the emotions that I have undergone on this journey thus far and yet, I pleaded for restoration, and once again, that hasn't happened either.

At this point I'm sure you are asking yourself, " What in the world did this girl fast for?" Well, to be honest it didn't seem like anything positive or profitable occurred during this fast. Seem anyway!

Well, I did have quite a time one weekend, where I almost went off the deep end as I call it. I came to the point of desperation. I was literally at the end of my rope and loosing my grip fast. I was supposed to go to a friends 50Th birthday party, and tie up some loose ends but instead something else added to my stress and pushed me past the breaking point. I felt that I had to get away with God, or I was not going to survive another night.

So I went to the beach and spent a night seeking Him. He brought me to the point of realizing that I had been irreverent in my blaming Him for my unbearable circumstances. I repented and wept but that was all that happened. No great relief felt, no joy restored, still angry as ever, just a little quieter and more careful about it.
I would not be honest if I said I knew what the purpose of the fast was or what I did receive out of it. But I will tell you what happened today and the thoughts leading up to it. You see I had been growing impatient with the fast and wanting it to be over, and as the end drew near I thought of how deprived I felt during the fast and how alone I felt and restricted. Then I thought of how great it will be when I am no longer deprived and restricted, living in the land of freedom! Ahhh, God declared all things lawful... milk and honey again! Coffee! Woohoo! I thought of how great that was going to feel to walk it total freedom and eat what I chose to eat and know that I could eat it all in one day if I wanted! I could compare the fast time to living in the darkness, lost, apart from fellowship from God and because of being apart from God it meant living in restriction, without the blessing that comes from that fellowship, without the identity that comes from being His child, without the very life of Christ and the empowerment therefore, entailed. It was an illustration of a life that is willing to live without God. And then breaking the fast was like breaking the stronghold and power of sin and death. Now entering into an abundant life of freedom and power as child of the most high God, and all the identity and inheritance included. It was quite an analogy, in my mind, but again just thoughts, exciting ones but just thoughts. I was excited because is seemed like a revelation and a coming to understand the life in Christ and that we have the option of choosing to live without Him and His power in our lives. God says in His word that we receive not because we ask not. We ask not because we doubt His ability, His identity, and we are just plainly willing to live without Him! I just can't live in that place. He is just not God if He doesn't line up with who He has portrayed Himself to be in the word. His identity is crucial in order for me to know my identity, because it is wrapped up in Him.


So today I got up and drank a half a cup of coffee and almost felt criminal in doing so. I had thoughts like, "Is this really okay?," and, "Do I really want to get hooked on caffeine again? Maybe it's wrong?" "Maybe I shouldn't?" But I did and it was no big deal, so I went on with my day. Got to church and the worship was great, but it usually is great! That is why I go to church there! LOL One song took me back to times of worshipping with my Daniel playing the piano, "We fall down," great song. Anyway the sermon was about David and Goliath and being a hero. You know at this point I just want to survive, not be a hero. But certain things were said during the sermon that really hit me, and...I began to weep. Have you ever wept during a sermon? I have and it is usually when God is doing some great heart work! I had been struggling with the silence of God and it was unbearable so I remembered hearing that if God is quiet go back to the last thing he told you to do and make sure you did it. I started thinking of what God wants me to do and to be honest I have lately been going back and forth about what He wants me to do with some amount of uncertainty, but today I was hit with a reminder of what He has instructed me to do, which I am not doing right now nor taking steps towards. I have always known but I am afraid because His plan is much bigger than I can grasp or see a feasible path to. It is just plain scary to think that God has called me to full time ministry, to preach His gospel. I am just such an unworthy and unlikely person for the task, I don't understand it. I admit it today that I am called to do this but I am so scared because it seems so impossible, and impractical for my life. But It is what I have been created to do, I really, really know it! With all my heart I know it! So I have to step out into the Jordan river and expect there to be dry ground there to meet me.

I have to tell you in the process of today, something happened! I believe God removed a seed of bitterness that started to take root in my heart. All I know is that something isn't there that was there before. That sharp pain in my chest that would twinge with every thought of my current circumstances, is gone. There was a harshness in my heart that has gone as well. I cant accurately describe it but in my next post I will attempt. So I didn't receive anything from the time of fasting till the end or did I?

I think I got a really good reminder of who I am without Him. I have to remember those who the Lord loves He disciplines, including me. So what is God telling me? Well I sold both myself and Him short in what I thought was possible for my life. He reminds me that He has a much bigger plan, that includes Him "wow-ing" me, and my response is simply to marvel at Him! YES! I just love that! I'm pretty sure He does too!

Bearing the Cost

"My name is 'Bearing the Cost', but some call me, 'Forgiveness.'" "I was separated from all my companions, exiled from home, carried here and imprisoned in this rock. It was not my choice, but the work of others who, when they had dropped me here, went away and left me to bear the results of what they had done." "I have borne and have not fainted; I have not ceased to love, and Love helped me push through the crack in the rock until I could look right out onto my Love the sun himself. See now! There is nothing whatever between my Love and my heart, nothing around to distract me from him. He shines upon me and makes me to rejoice, and has atoned to me for all that was taken from me and done against me. There is no flower in all the world more blessed or more satisfied than I, for I look up to him as a weaned child and say, 'Whom have I in heaven but thee, and there is none upon earth that I desire but thee.'" -Hannah Hurnard (Hinds' Feet on High Places)